Lights Changing Color
Title: Lights Changing Color
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Waking up in the hospital with Taylor beside her, Joss remembered John and Simmons and gunshots. She remembered a strange woman and everything hurting before darkness claimed her.
Disclaimer: CBS owns "Person of Interest" and all related characters; I own nothing.
Spoilers: For 3.09 "The Crossing"
Author's Note: Written because I'm still bitter over what happened and this monster sprung forth. A crossover kinda snuck itself in while I wasn't paying attention. Thank you to jedibuttercup for being an extra set of eyes on this!
She felt John’s arms clutching her, felt the warm wetness spreading across her chest. Her breath gurgled in her throat as she tried to force out the words.
“Taylor, my son,” Joss gasped, tears leaking from her eyes at the effort. Everything hurt so much. She couldn’t die here. She had to see her son again. She had to hug him and let him know that it was over and that she loved him and…
“Get back, I can help,” she distantly heard a woman say. A pair of hands joined John’s on her chest and a new face appeared above her.
“Stay with me,” the new woman urged, or maybe it was John. Focusing was so hard right now.
She tried to speak again, to ask about her son when the woman shook her head. “Don’t speak. Just hold on a little longer.”
Joss wanted to. She wanted to so much. But maybe it was her time. Maybe it was time that bullet with her name finally showed up.
Shouts. So much shouting she couldn’t understand. Breathing hurt so much. But she had to hold on for Taylor and John and Fusco and the woman helping her…
And then everything faded to black.
~*~*~
Beep. Beep. Beep.
She could hear something faintly in the distance, piercing through the darkness surrounding her.
Beep. Beep. Beep.
What was it? It sounded almost familiar, but it was so out of place here. It didn’t belong here.
Beep. Beep. Beep.
It was annoying her, disturbing her peace. Why was it even there? Why did everything feel so sore and broken?
Beep. Beep. Beep.
Slowly, Joss opened her eyes, blinking slowly several times to clear away the sandy feeling in them. Her mouth felt dry and cottony and everything hurt in a dull, almost detached way.
“Mom?” a voice whispered beside her. “Mom? Are you awake?”
Even through her haze, she recognized that voice. “Taylor?” she asked, turning her head towards him. “Wh-where am I?” She swallowed, her throat unreasonably dry and scratchy.
His face swam into focus, hovering just above her. “You’re in the hospital, Mom,” he answered, a worried crease countering his smile. “Do you remember what happened… before?”
She remembered John and Simmons and gunshots. She remembered a strange woman and everything hurting.
“Most of it, but it’s pretty fuzzy.” Her hand fumbled among the sheets before finding his hand and giving it a squeeze.
Taylor sniffed and wiped his nose with his free hand. “I’d say don’t scare me like that again, but you’re a cop, Mom, and it’s your job. Just don’t scare me like that again. Please?”
Her heart clenched at the naked pleading in her son’s voice. “I’m sorry I put you through this, sweetie. I’m so sorry.” She wanted to pull him into her arms and cuddle him close to her, like she used to when he was younger, and promise him that everything would be ok. But even the simplest movement took too much energy, and she was afraid to dislodge any of the tubes running in and out of her body.
Taylor nodded and rubbed his face against his shoulder to dry his suspiciously wet cheek. “I know,” he answered, leaning down to kiss her forehead, like she used to when he was sick. “I’m going to grab a nurse or a doctor, ok? I’ll be right back.”
“Alright.” She watched Taylor get up and walk to the door, fighting the urge to close her eyes. Even this brief interaction with her son had taken almost all of her energy, and she just wanted to slip back into sleep. Somewhere, in the back of her mind where she locked up most of her war memories, she remembered feeling roughly the same after the bomb in Fallujah.
“Detective Carter?”
The sound of her name jolted her to awareness. She hadn’t even realized she’d been drifting asleep. Glancing up, she met the eyes of a dark-haired woman dressed in brightly patterned scrubs.
“How are you feeling?” she asked, walking over to the machines.
“Tired,” Joss confessed. Taylor sat back down beside her and slipped his hand back into hers.
“I expected as much,” the nurse replied with a kind smile. “It means your body’s working to heal itself. Listen to it.”
“Yes, ma’am.” Joss had learned long ago that arguing with doctors and nurses, especially when you were at a disadvantage, was a losing game.
“I’ll still be here, Mom,” Taylor promised, scooting his chair closer.
Joss nodded. No longer fighting against the urge, she quickly fell back into sleep. Her last thought before the darkness claimed her was that she forgot to ask how John was doing.
~*~*~
When Joss woke up for the second time, she blinked trying to adjust her eyes. Bright sunlight streamed through cracks of the blinds, casting her room in strange shadows. The machines continued to beep in the background, but they weren’t quite as obvious as before. Looking over, she smiled softly. Taylor’s head rested on the mattress beside her, and his gentle breath blew softly across her hand. He looked younger when he slept. More like her little boy than the man he was growing up to be.
“He was worried about you.”
Startled, Joss jerked her head up to see Shaw standing in the doorway. The younger woman nodded at her and leaned against the frame.
“I can see that,” Joss answered quietly, running her hand through her son’s hair.
“You didn’t hear it from me, but he wasn’t the only one.” Shaw gestured at the room with one of her hands before crossing her arms again. “Finch shelled out so that you’d have the best recovery room this place provides. Fusco’s been checking in at least twice a day and brought your ex with him a few times to see how you were doing. Even your mob friend sent flowers.”
“Elias sent flowers?” Looking around, Joss spied a vase of yellow flowers sitting on the windowsill.
“Don’t worry. Bear and I went through them to make sure there were no nasty surprises.”
“How long was I out?” Joss asked, scooting backwards on the bed a little so that her back wouldn’t protest as much. Some of the tubes from earlier had disappeared, which was nice.
“A couple of days. The doctors wanted to keep you under for a while, since the injury was so severe.” A flicker of something crossed Shaw’s face, but it was gone to quickly for Joss to interpret it. “Reese bugged out before the ambulance arrived, but he’s been doing ok, other than being grouchier than a bear with a bee up his ass.”
“That’s good to hear,” Joss muttered, looking back down at her son. Did he come to see me? Joss wanted to ask, but she kept it inside.
“Hey, Carter,” Shaw said quietly, causing her to look back up. “Let’s not do this again, alright? I’d hate for you to die and leave me to deal with the boys all by myself.”
“I’ll try not to,” Joss promised. Taylor stirred quietly underneath her hand, his breath hitching and losing its slow, steady rhythm. Joss glanced down at her sleeping son before looking back up. Shaw, however, had disappeared.
~*~*~
Joss spent most of the first day with Taylor hovering beside her while she talked with the various doctors overseeing her recovery. Now that she was awake, he was reluctant to leave her side for even a few brief moments in case something might happen. Joss didn’t mind. She had come so close to never seeing her son again, and the guilt of what she’d put him through weighed heavily on her. During the times that none of the doctors or nurses were in her room, Taylor brought out a pack of cards to entertain them. Throughout the afternoon, they played a series of increasingly competitive games of speed, war, and gin rummy.
“OK, Taylor,” Joss said after slapping her stack of cards, ending the game of speed. “Why don’t you call your dad and ask him to pick you up. It’s not that I don’t want you here,” she continued, cutting off Taylor’s interruption, “but at least one of us should get something to eat that isn’t hospital food. And you should be sleeping in a real bed tonight.”
A stubborn look crossed Taylor’s face and he stuck out his lip defiantly. “But Mom!”
“Don’t ‘but mom’ me.” Joss smiled to take the sting off of her admonishment. “I don’t want you wearing yourself out looking after me. I’ll still be here in the morning.”
Taylor waited for several seconds before sighing and nodding his head in agreement. “Fine, Mom. I’ll give Dad a call to come get me.”
Joss and Taylor continued to play cards until a nurse stopped in to say that Paul was waiting in the front lobby.
“Why can’t he come up?” she asked Taylor as he gathered up his things.
“Security is pretty tight around your room, Mom. The guy who shot you is still out there, and they don’t want to let him get a second chance.” He shrugged. “Right now, me and Detective Fusco are the only two that can come in or out without an escort.”
“That’s good to know.” Joss leaned up and gave Taylor a kiss on the cheek before patting him on the back. “Don’t keep your dad waiting. I’ll be here in the morning.”
Taylor nodded before throwing his arms around her shoulders and giving her a fierce hug. “Love you, Mom,” he muttered into her shoulder.
“I love you too, sweetie.” Joss returned his hug and closed her eyes. She’d come so close to never hugging Taylor again, and she almost didn’t want to let him go. “Be good for your dad, ok?”
“Alright, Mom.”
Taylor slowly extracted himself from her embrace and reluctantly left the room, leaving Joss by herself for the first time. Leaning back on her stack of pillows, she picked up the book on top of the stack one of the nurses had helpfully left for her. She couldn’t focus on the words, however, and she kept glancing over to the door whenever she heard passing footsteps. Finally, she gave up and put the book back down with a sigh. Maybe she should’ve asked Taylor to leave the cards behind.
Footsteps approached her room and then stopped. Joss looked up to see Fusco standing in the doorway, hands shoved into his pockets.
“You look bored there, Carter. Not planning to break out, are you?”
Joss chuckled before drawing up short at the pain in her chest. “You caught me, Fusco,” she admitted to her partner.
“Figured.” Fusco sat down in the chair Tayler had vacated and leaned back. “Shaw called to say that you were up, but I thought that you’d want time with your kid before you saw my ugly mug.”
“Thanks for that. I don’t think Taylor was in a sharing mood today.”
“Don’t blame him.” Fusco sighed and ran a hand through his hair, the splints glinting under the lights.
“How are the fingers?” Joss asked, adjusting her body to a more comfortable position. She couldn’t wait until she got cleared to get up and walk around. She hated bed rest, hated having to lie down and do nothing.
“Itchy and they hurt like hell,” Fusco answered bluntly, holding out one of his hands to look at it. “But the docs tell me they’re healing up fine, so that’s all I care about.”
Joss nodded, guilt welling up inside once more. She’d already said her thank yous and apologies to Fusco back at the hospital after they’d turned Quinn over to the FBI, but she didn’t feel like it was enough. She didn’t know if she could ever repay her debt to him for risking so much to keep her evidence safe.
“Who was the woman who was there?” Joss inquired, changing the subject before she started apologizing to Fusco again, even though she felt the need to.
“The woman who helped you after…?” Fusco trailed off, glancing down to the bandage peeking out from underneath the hospital gown. Joss nodded, and he continued, “Her name’s Joan Watson. She’s one of Gregson’s pet consultants. You know, the ones Coventry is always whining his ass off about? Anyways, she and her partner were coming over because they wanted to look at some files we had that were related to a case they’re looking into. She used to be a surgeon, so she was able to keep you from bleeding out until the van arrived.”
“I’d like to meet her,” Joss said quietly, looking down at her hands. “If it’s possible. Taylor mentioned that security around my room is pretty tight.”
“Shouldn’t be a problem to get her in. I have her number, so I’ll give her a call later tonight.” Fusco fidgeted in his chair before continuing, “Taylor told you that Simmons is still out there?”
“Yeah, he mentioned that.”
“The feds have posted guards outside your wing, and they have folks watching Taylor and his dad,” Fusco explained quietly. “I told them how Simmons targeted my kid, so they’re worried that if he can’t get to you, he might go after a more vulnerable target just to hurt you.”
Her breath caught and she struggled to keep breathing. No. Not Taylor. He wasn’t part of this, never had been part of this.
“Hey, easy, Carter.” Fusco’s hand went awkwardly to her back as he tried to comfort her. “The feds are looking after him. And I’m not sure if this will make you feel better, because it’s a mixed bag for me, but Elias put the word out that anybody targeting your kid has an instant death sentence.”
“I’m starting to think Elias has Stockholm syndrome or something,” Joss muttered, resting her head on her knees. “First the flowers, now this. I’m almost scared to think of what comes next.”
“I don’t know, but this might be a don’t look the gift horse too closely type of situation.” Fusco waited until Joss’ breathing was under control before sitting back down. “Anyways, since the feds are watching you pretty closely, our mutual friends are hanging low for a while. Finch told me to tell you, probably so that you didn’t think they forgot about you when they didn’t show up for visitor’s hours.”
“If that’s the case, then why did Shaw drop by to say hello this morning?”
Fusco shrugged. “No idea. This is Shaw we’re talking about here, Carter. She plays by her own set of rules. Fortunately, she’s on our side.”
“Yeah,” Joss agreed, smiling while thinking of the weapons Shaw had “liberated” for her use against the Russians. She hoped the other woman got a picture of John’s face when he realized she had his grenade launcher. “Well, since I won’t be seeing them any time soon, tell Finch thanks for the room.” She hesitated before adding, “And tell John I’m glad he’s doing better.”
Fusco gave her a long look before nodding. He was too good a detective not to pick up on the hesitation and wonder what caused it. But at least he respected her enough not to pry into what might’ve changed between her and John.
Fusco stayed a little while longer, giving her the updates on the HR case. If Joss was a betting woman, she’d have bet he was doing this in defiance of any sort of rules the doctors set in order to keep her stress levels low during her recovery.
After her fifth or so yawn, however, Fusco stood up. “You look like you’re about to fall asleep mid-word, Carter,” he told her. “I’ll head out so that you can get some rest.”
“Thanks, Fusco. For everything.”
He shrugged, an embarrassed red flush spreading across his cheeks. “We’re partners, Carter. It’s what we do.”
~*~*~
Joss stayed in the hospital for four more days before the doctors were satisfied enough with her recovery to let her loose. Even that was done reluctantly, given the severity of her injury. But Joss put her foot down. She wanted to go home. She wanted to sleep in her own bed and be in her own space away from the smell of disinfectant and the constant beeping of machines. She needed to go home and start putting her life back in order.
Fusco showed up with his car to drive her and Taylor home from the hospital. He and Taylor chatted easily in the front seat about the Yankees’ crap season while Joss semi-dozed in the backseat.
“Easy, Mom,” Taylor told her, helping her out of the car and towards their place. “You know what the doctors said.”
“I know what the doctors said,” Joss muttered in mock-frustration. On her other side, Fusco chuckled under his breath.
He stayed long enough to catch the end of a football game and eat some takeout before heading out, leaving Joss and Taylor curled up on the couch.
“After tomorrow, you need to go back to school,” she told him drowsily. “And no arguments. I know you’re worried about me, sweetie, but I don’t want you to fall behind.”
“I’m doing fine, Mom. I’ve worked it out with my teachers…”
“I know you have, Taylor, and I’m proud that you were able to handle that on your own. But I also want us to start getting back to normal.”
Taylor sighed and bowed his head. “Fine. But you gotta promise that if you need anything or if anything happens, you’ll call someone. No handling things alone if you don’t need to. Promise?”
“Promise,” Joss swore and kissed him on the forehead. “You’re a good kid, Taylor.”
As good as his word, Monday morning saw Taylor off to school, leaving Joss by herself for the first time since she’d been awake. Under strict orders not to stress herself and to remain as still as possible, Joss camped out on the sofa with a pile of books and magazines. Not in the mood to read, however, Joss instead took out her personal weapon and began methodically cleaning it. It made her feel useful instead of just sitting around doing nothing.
She just finished putting it back together when a sharp knock shattered the silence. Warily, she rose to her feet and shuffled towards the door, gun still in hand. Peering through the peephole, she spied one of the federal agents detailed to her standing in front of a familiar man and dog.
“Detective Carter,” the agent greeted her when she opened the door. He didn’t blink at the gun in Joss’ hand. “Mr. Bunting is here from the internet company. Says he has a request to look at some connectivity issues.”
“Yeah, Taylor told me he was having some problems and called to get help,” Joss lied, opening the door wider. “I thought he told you somebody was coming by, but it must’ve slipped his mind this morning.”
“It’s no problem,” the agent assured her, stepping aside to let Finch and Bear through.
Joss waited until the agent had crossed the street before closing the door and facing Finch. “Internet company?” she asked, leading the way back to the couch.
“It seemed to be the most plausible explanation that would cause the least amount of questions,” Finch replied, sitting down in the chair next to the sofa. Bear hopped up on the couch next to her and placed his head in her lap. “I’m sorry I wasn’t able to come see you in person before this, Detective, but…”
“Fusco explained the situation to me,” Joss interrupted while absently stroking Bear’s ears. “Thank you for the hospital room, by the way.”
“It was the least I could do, Detective.” He paused, adjusting his sleeves, before continuing, “Detective, regarding the conversation we started at the precinct. We never did get to discuss it further.”
Joss shrugged, unsurprised at the new topic of conversation. She’d been expecting it as soon as she saw his face through the door. “I didn’t think we really needed to discuss it further,” she said. “Am I pissed you didn’t trust me enough to tell me the truth even after we’d been working together for a while? Yes, a little. I understand that you have your reasons, but it still hurt that you never told me after all we’ve gone through, you know?”
Finch nodded jerkily. “I understand. And I also understand that given this and other recent events, you no longer wish to work with Mr. Reese, Ms. Shaw, and myself once you’ve sufficiently recovered.”
“Of course I’m still going to work with you!” Joss interjected. “Why wouldn’t I?”
“Are you sure, Detective? Our association has caused you to compromise many of the beliefs you once held. What Mr. Reese and I have asked of you since making your acquaintance has cost you physically and personally, and put you in extraordinary amounts of risk. I just ask that you think about what the costs of your partnership with us has been, and if it’s worth continuing.”
“Even if I stopped working with you, I can’t go back to the woman I was before this all started,” Joss explained quietly. She remembered what John told her, back when she wanted to know more. She’d gone down the road and there was no going back now, however much she wanted to go back to that simpler time every now and then.
“Look, before, I knew that the law didn’t work perfectly, but it worked well enough. I was still able to go home at night and look at my kid knowing that I’d done everything I could to make the world a little safer for him. Since working with you two, however? I know that there’s something I can do to keep bad things from happening, even if it’s outside the law. How can I live with myself knowing that I can do more to keep people safe, but I’m not doing it because of the risks involved? I’m a cop, Harold, and a soldier before that. I’ve been putting my life at risk for a long time before I met you and John, and I’m not about to stop any time soon.”
“That’s very noble of you, Detective,” Finch replied after a long pause. “And I appreciate your dedication. I just don’t want your association with us to put you further in harm’s way.”
Part of Joss wondered that if Fusco were in a similar situation, would Finch be having this same conversation with him? She didn’t voice that suspicion, however, and said instead, “I understand, Finch. But like I said, you’re stuck with me for a little while longer.”
Finch gave her a small little smile and stood up. “Very well, Detective. Since Officer Simmons is still unaccounted for, I’ll be leaving Bear with you and Taylor as an extra security measure.”
“So nobody’s caught his scent?” Joss asked, fingers tightening in Bear’s fur. Fusco had kept her updated on the case so far, but he’d been tight lipped recently whenever she brought up Simmons.
“Unfortunately, he seems to have disappeared, much to Mr. Reese’s consternation. He, Ms. Shaw and I have been searching for him, with additional help from your partner. I also believe that Elias has put out a reward as well.” Joss made a face, and Finch’s smile widened almost imperceptivity. “As much as you dislike him, Elias seems to have taken a shine to you.”
“I couldn’t tell, what with the flowers and all,” Joss muttered, getting to her feet as well and following Finch towards the door. Once she recovered, she and Elias were going to have a long talk about this newfound interest in her.
“Get well, Detective,” Finch told her as she opened the door for him. “I don’t know what it is, but our little band is missing something when you’re not around.”
Joss chuckled softly and gave Finch’s shoulder a small squeeze. “I think that’s the sweetest thing you’ve ever said to me, Harold.”
~*~*~
Joss couldn’t sleep. She didn’t know why, but no matter how long she closed her eyes or how hard she tried to calm her mind, sleep remained just out of reach. Maybe it was the quiet in her house compared to the hospital. Maybe it was the knowledge that the man who tried to kill her was still out there, possibly just waiting until the heat died down to try again. Maybe it was the unresolved situation with her and John hanging over her. Whatever it was, Joss couldn’t sleep and it was starting to annoy the hell out of her.
Giving up, at least for now, of actually falling asleep, Joss quietly left her room and went downstairs, Bear following close behind. Even though Taylor normally wasn’t too light of a sleeper, she didn’t want him waking up and worrying over her.
She was in the kitchen boiling some water for tea, when she heard a soft, familiar voice coming from outside.
“Joss? Do you want to let me in?”
I shouldn’t even be surprised, Joss thought to herself, walking over to the back door. She opened it to reveal a disheveled looking John Reese leaning against the doorframe.
“At least you knocked this time,” she remarked, stepping back to let him inside.
“I would’ve come in the front door, but I didn’t want to give your nice FBI detail a reason to put an extra bullet in me.” Bear trotted over and sat by John’s feet, panting happily.
Joss snorted as she closed the door behind him, and tilted her head up to get a good look at him. “You doing OK?”
He shrugged, eyes not leaving her face. “As well as expected. Recovering from being shot is never fun, and it’s worse knowing the guy who shot me is still out there.”
“So still no lead on where Simmons ended up?”
“Not since Finch dropped by and left my dog with you.”
“Your dog? I thought you and Finch shared ownership, although Shaw seems pretty possessive of him,” Joss countered with a smile. “And who knows? He might prefer staying with me, since Taylor’s spoiling him rotten already.”
John returned her smile and shook his head. “Lucky dog.”
The piercing whistle of the kettle cut off Joss before she could come up with any sort of retort. “I’m making some tea,” she said instead. “You want any?”
“I could use a drink.”
Neither of them spoke while Joss took out an extra mug and tea bag and poured the hot water. Nor did they speak when Joss handed John his mug and lead him and Bear to the couch in the living room and sat down on opposite ends.
Joss cradled her mug and stared at steam rising off the liquid. She’d been waiting for this visit from John ever since waking up, although she’d been hoping he’d come by sooner than this. Of course, now that he was actually here, she had no idea of what she wanted to say to him. They hadn’t talked about what happened at the morgue before the shooting or even had a conversation about needing to talk. In the elation of taking down HR, even with Simmons unaccounted for, it felt like she had all the time in the world to sort things out.
“Back at the morgue,” she began, starting before she lost her nerve. “Did you- ”Her voice caught and she swallowed before beginning again. “Did you mean it, John? Not just the kiss, but all of it?” The kiss had been one thing, but the confession that he couldn’t lose her was another. She’d seen the aftermath of him losing somebody he cared about back when they first met. The fact that he all but said her dying would set him down that path again terrified her.
“I meant every word, Joss.” The usual edge in his voice was gone, making him sound more vulnerable than she was used to. “Why?”
Joss took a long sip before answering, “People do things when they think they’re going to die. They say things that they might not say otherwise, and with you…” Her voice trailed off while she searched for the right word, gaze still firmly fixed on her mug. Cal had been easy and straightforward, even with her secrets. Things with John were anything but that. “If I want to be honest with myself, things have been complicated with us for a while now, at least on my end.”
“Would it help if I said things have been complicated for a while on my end as well?” John offered quietly.
“I don’t know.” Joss finally looked over at John and met his eyes. “What you did, what you said changes things. I can’t pretend that it didn’t happen and try to go on like things were before.”
A knot began to form in her chest. For all the grief she gave him about going outside the law and only calling her when he was in trouble, John was just as much her partner as Fusco. Even with the whole “it’s complicated” label they’d mutually applied, he was her friend. She didn’t want to lose that, but she couldn’t lie to herself and pretend that nothing changed between them. She owed herself that much.
He hesitated before speaking, his eyes searching her face for something. “What do you want, Joss? What do you want to do?”
That was the billion-dollar question, now wasn’t it? What did she want in regards to John? “Maybe we could see where this goes once things settle down and my son isn’t asleep upstairs,” she suggested quietly. “Talking, dating, I don’t know. But at least starting to figure out what we are.”
Some of the tension drained out of John’s body, and Joss realized he was as unsure about this new situation between them as she was. “I’d like that,” he replied, hope and relief in his voice. “I’d like that a lot.”
Joss let out the breath she hadn’t realized she was holding in and nodded. “Alright. But, John, if we’re going to move forward with… whatever this is, I want you to promise me something. Promise me that if anything happens to me, you’ll respect me enough not to lose yourself.” Joss was under no delusions. Maybe John wouldn’t devolve back into exactly who he’d been when they met, but he could easily fall apart in other ways. Ghosts of New Rochelle rose before her eyes, only with her death as the triggering incident.
“Only if you can do the same for me. Don’t tell me you’d have taken half the risks you did with HR if Quinn hadn’t ordered Beecher’s death.” He inched closer, but didn’t touch for her. “You’re the best of us, Joss. I don’t want you to lose that more than you have because of me.”
Tears pricked her eyes, and she had to look away from the raw earnestness in his face. “Don’t put me on a pedestal, John,” she whispered. “I’m not as good as you think I am.”
“Yes, you are. Most of us are atoning for something we’ve done or who we used to be, but you?” A calloused hand cupped her cheek and turned her back towards him. “Your heart was in the right place from the beginning.”
She didn’t know how to answer that, her mind unable to come up with any words. So instead, she leaned forward and pressed a gentle, lingering kiss on John’s lips.
“Alright,” John whispered when they broke apart, forehead resting against hers. His hand on her face trembled ever so slightly when he stroked her cheek. Or maybe it was her shaking, she wasn’t sure.
Joss moved closer, wrapping an arm around him and leaning onto his shoulder. There was so much they had to talk about and start to work through to start untangling everything between them, and it would have to happen sooner rather than later. But that could wait until later. For now, she was content to simply be.
~*~*~
The next morning, Joss was in the middle of a sodoku with Bear at her feet when the phone rang. John had left before Taylor woke up the night before, not that she blamed him. Even though Taylor knew and liked the man who had saved him from Elias’ men, having him walk in on them was the last thing either of them wanted.
She stared at the screen’s declaration of “blocked number”, weighing her options. It could be John or Finch. It also could also easily be somebody else. It rang again, its noise far too loud in her otherwise silent house “Hello?” she answered, picking up the phone and taking her chances.
“Detective.”
Joss’ back straightened at the sound of Elias’ voice. “Elias,” she answered evenly, glancing at the FBI car still parked across the street.
“I hope you liked the flowers that I sent you,” he replied in that congenial tone she learned early on not to trust. They’d been reluctant allies taking down HR after she saved his life, but that part of their lives was over. Even with the flowers and everything else, it was only a matter of time before their old antagonism resurfaced. At least, part of her hoped that was the case. That was more straightforward and understandable.
“They were beautiful,” Joss said after a pause. “Thank you.”
“I was going to leave it at that, but I found the opportunity to get you the perfect get well present. I hope you like it; I went through a lot of trouble trying to secure it.”
A shiver ran down Joss’ spine as she got to her feet and demanded, “What did you do?”
“Get better, Detective, and enjoy your time off. I have a feeling things are going to be quite interesting when you come back on duty.”
“Elias? What-?” But he had already hung up, leaving Joss to glare at the phone. “Bastard.”
The phone started ringing again less than a minute later. Joss snatched it up, barely registering Fusco’s name on the display.
“Fusco?”
“We got the bastard, Carter!” he told her excitedly, voice barely audible over the background noise coming through as well. “Some beat cops found Simmons hog tied right outside their car coming back from lunch.”
“What?” Joss asked incredulously as Bear put his head in her lap. “How the hell did that happen?”
“No clue yet. Simmons is unconscious, but that’s probably going to be the first question the feds ask him.” Fusco’s voice dropped and he continued, “Do you think our mutual friends had a hand in this?”
Her mind went back to Elias’ call and her fingers tightened in Bear’s fur. “I don’t think so,” she said carefully. “Come over later once things calm down and give me all the details?”
“Sounds like a plan. See you then, Carter. I bet you’re gonna be resting easier now that Simmons is off the street.”
“Yeah. See you then.”
Joss hung up the phone and looked down at her companion. “Why do I think things aren’t going to settle down any time soon?”
Bear just gave her a doggie smile and pressed his cold nose into her hand. “Yeah, that’s what I thought.”
Her fingers touched her new scar through her t-shirt and she sighed. Hopefully she’d have time to sort out her new equilibrium before things started getting too unsettled. The universe owed her that much, at least.
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Waking up in the hospital with Taylor beside her, Joss remembered John and Simmons and gunshots. She remembered a strange woman and everything hurting before darkness claimed her.
Disclaimer: CBS owns "Person of Interest" and all related characters; I own nothing.
Spoilers: For 3.09 "The Crossing"
Author's Note: Written because I'm still bitter over what happened and this monster sprung forth. A crossover kinda snuck itself in while I wasn't paying attention. Thank you to jedibuttercup for being an extra set of eyes on this!
She felt John’s arms clutching her, felt the warm wetness spreading across her chest. Her breath gurgled in her throat as she tried to force out the words.
“Taylor, my son,” Joss gasped, tears leaking from her eyes at the effort. Everything hurt so much. She couldn’t die here. She had to see her son again. She had to hug him and let him know that it was over and that she loved him and…
“Get back, I can help,” she distantly heard a woman say. A pair of hands joined John’s on her chest and a new face appeared above her.
“Stay with me,” the new woman urged, or maybe it was John. Focusing was so hard right now.
She tried to speak again, to ask about her son when the woman shook her head. “Don’t speak. Just hold on a little longer.”
Joss wanted to. She wanted to so much. But maybe it was her time. Maybe it was time that bullet with her name finally showed up.
Shouts. So much shouting she couldn’t understand. Breathing hurt so much. But she had to hold on for Taylor and John and Fusco and the woman helping her…
And then everything faded to black.
~*~*~
Beep. Beep. Beep.
She could hear something faintly in the distance, piercing through the darkness surrounding her.
Beep. Beep. Beep.
What was it? It sounded almost familiar, but it was so out of place here. It didn’t belong here.
Beep. Beep. Beep.
It was annoying her, disturbing her peace. Why was it even there? Why did everything feel so sore and broken?
Beep. Beep. Beep.
Slowly, Joss opened her eyes, blinking slowly several times to clear away the sandy feeling in them. Her mouth felt dry and cottony and everything hurt in a dull, almost detached way.
“Mom?” a voice whispered beside her. “Mom? Are you awake?”
Even through her haze, she recognized that voice. “Taylor?” she asked, turning her head towards him. “Wh-where am I?” She swallowed, her throat unreasonably dry and scratchy.
His face swam into focus, hovering just above her. “You’re in the hospital, Mom,” he answered, a worried crease countering his smile. “Do you remember what happened… before?”
She remembered John and Simmons and gunshots. She remembered a strange woman and everything hurting.
“Most of it, but it’s pretty fuzzy.” Her hand fumbled among the sheets before finding his hand and giving it a squeeze.
Taylor sniffed and wiped his nose with his free hand. “I’d say don’t scare me like that again, but you’re a cop, Mom, and it’s your job. Just don’t scare me like that again. Please?”
Her heart clenched at the naked pleading in her son’s voice. “I’m sorry I put you through this, sweetie. I’m so sorry.” She wanted to pull him into her arms and cuddle him close to her, like she used to when he was younger, and promise him that everything would be ok. But even the simplest movement took too much energy, and she was afraid to dislodge any of the tubes running in and out of her body.
Taylor nodded and rubbed his face against his shoulder to dry his suspiciously wet cheek. “I know,” he answered, leaning down to kiss her forehead, like she used to when he was sick. “I’m going to grab a nurse or a doctor, ok? I’ll be right back.”
“Alright.” She watched Taylor get up and walk to the door, fighting the urge to close her eyes. Even this brief interaction with her son had taken almost all of her energy, and she just wanted to slip back into sleep. Somewhere, in the back of her mind where she locked up most of her war memories, she remembered feeling roughly the same after the bomb in Fallujah.
“Detective Carter?”
The sound of her name jolted her to awareness. She hadn’t even realized she’d been drifting asleep. Glancing up, she met the eyes of a dark-haired woman dressed in brightly patterned scrubs.
“How are you feeling?” she asked, walking over to the machines.
“Tired,” Joss confessed. Taylor sat back down beside her and slipped his hand back into hers.
“I expected as much,” the nurse replied with a kind smile. “It means your body’s working to heal itself. Listen to it.”
“Yes, ma’am.” Joss had learned long ago that arguing with doctors and nurses, especially when you were at a disadvantage, was a losing game.
“I’ll still be here, Mom,” Taylor promised, scooting his chair closer.
Joss nodded. No longer fighting against the urge, she quickly fell back into sleep. Her last thought before the darkness claimed her was that she forgot to ask how John was doing.
~*~*~
When Joss woke up for the second time, she blinked trying to adjust her eyes. Bright sunlight streamed through cracks of the blinds, casting her room in strange shadows. The machines continued to beep in the background, but they weren’t quite as obvious as before. Looking over, she smiled softly. Taylor’s head rested on the mattress beside her, and his gentle breath blew softly across her hand. He looked younger when he slept. More like her little boy than the man he was growing up to be.
“He was worried about you.”
Startled, Joss jerked her head up to see Shaw standing in the doorway. The younger woman nodded at her and leaned against the frame.
“I can see that,” Joss answered quietly, running her hand through her son’s hair.
“You didn’t hear it from me, but he wasn’t the only one.” Shaw gestured at the room with one of her hands before crossing her arms again. “Finch shelled out so that you’d have the best recovery room this place provides. Fusco’s been checking in at least twice a day and brought your ex with him a few times to see how you were doing. Even your mob friend sent flowers.”
“Elias sent flowers?” Looking around, Joss spied a vase of yellow flowers sitting on the windowsill.
“Don’t worry. Bear and I went through them to make sure there were no nasty surprises.”
“How long was I out?” Joss asked, scooting backwards on the bed a little so that her back wouldn’t protest as much. Some of the tubes from earlier had disappeared, which was nice.
“A couple of days. The doctors wanted to keep you under for a while, since the injury was so severe.” A flicker of something crossed Shaw’s face, but it was gone to quickly for Joss to interpret it. “Reese bugged out before the ambulance arrived, but he’s been doing ok, other than being grouchier than a bear with a bee up his ass.”
“That’s good to hear,” Joss muttered, looking back down at her son. Did he come to see me? Joss wanted to ask, but she kept it inside.
“Hey, Carter,” Shaw said quietly, causing her to look back up. “Let’s not do this again, alright? I’d hate for you to die and leave me to deal with the boys all by myself.”
“I’ll try not to,” Joss promised. Taylor stirred quietly underneath her hand, his breath hitching and losing its slow, steady rhythm. Joss glanced down at her sleeping son before looking back up. Shaw, however, had disappeared.
~*~*~
Joss spent most of the first day with Taylor hovering beside her while she talked with the various doctors overseeing her recovery. Now that she was awake, he was reluctant to leave her side for even a few brief moments in case something might happen. Joss didn’t mind. She had come so close to never seeing her son again, and the guilt of what she’d put him through weighed heavily on her. During the times that none of the doctors or nurses were in her room, Taylor brought out a pack of cards to entertain them. Throughout the afternoon, they played a series of increasingly competitive games of speed, war, and gin rummy.
“OK, Taylor,” Joss said after slapping her stack of cards, ending the game of speed. “Why don’t you call your dad and ask him to pick you up. It’s not that I don’t want you here,” she continued, cutting off Taylor’s interruption, “but at least one of us should get something to eat that isn’t hospital food. And you should be sleeping in a real bed tonight.”
A stubborn look crossed Taylor’s face and he stuck out his lip defiantly. “But Mom!”
“Don’t ‘but mom’ me.” Joss smiled to take the sting off of her admonishment. “I don’t want you wearing yourself out looking after me. I’ll still be here in the morning.”
Taylor waited for several seconds before sighing and nodding his head in agreement. “Fine, Mom. I’ll give Dad a call to come get me.”
Joss and Taylor continued to play cards until a nurse stopped in to say that Paul was waiting in the front lobby.
“Why can’t he come up?” she asked Taylor as he gathered up his things.
“Security is pretty tight around your room, Mom. The guy who shot you is still out there, and they don’t want to let him get a second chance.” He shrugged. “Right now, me and Detective Fusco are the only two that can come in or out without an escort.”
“That’s good to know.” Joss leaned up and gave Taylor a kiss on the cheek before patting him on the back. “Don’t keep your dad waiting. I’ll be here in the morning.”
Taylor nodded before throwing his arms around her shoulders and giving her a fierce hug. “Love you, Mom,” he muttered into her shoulder.
“I love you too, sweetie.” Joss returned his hug and closed her eyes. She’d come so close to never hugging Taylor again, and she almost didn’t want to let him go. “Be good for your dad, ok?”
“Alright, Mom.”
Taylor slowly extracted himself from her embrace and reluctantly left the room, leaving Joss by herself for the first time. Leaning back on her stack of pillows, she picked up the book on top of the stack one of the nurses had helpfully left for her. She couldn’t focus on the words, however, and she kept glancing over to the door whenever she heard passing footsteps. Finally, she gave up and put the book back down with a sigh. Maybe she should’ve asked Taylor to leave the cards behind.
Footsteps approached her room and then stopped. Joss looked up to see Fusco standing in the doorway, hands shoved into his pockets.
“You look bored there, Carter. Not planning to break out, are you?”
Joss chuckled before drawing up short at the pain in her chest. “You caught me, Fusco,” she admitted to her partner.
“Figured.” Fusco sat down in the chair Tayler had vacated and leaned back. “Shaw called to say that you were up, but I thought that you’d want time with your kid before you saw my ugly mug.”
“Thanks for that. I don’t think Taylor was in a sharing mood today.”
“Don’t blame him.” Fusco sighed and ran a hand through his hair, the splints glinting under the lights.
“How are the fingers?” Joss asked, adjusting her body to a more comfortable position. She couldn’t wait until she got cleared to get up and walk around. She hated bed rest, hated having to lie down and do nothing.
“Itchy and they hurt like hell,” Fusco answered bluntly, holding out one of his hands to look at it. “But the docs tell me they’re healing up fine, so that’s all I care about.”
Joss nodded, guilt welling up inside once more. She’d already said her thank yous and apologies to Fusco back at the hospital after they’d turned Quinn over to the FBI, but she didn’t feel like it was enough. She didn’t know if she could ever repay her debt to him for risking so much to keep her evidence safe.
“Who was the woman who was there?” Joss inquired, changing the subject before she started apologizing to Fusco again, even though she felt the need to.
“The woman who helped you after…?” Fusco trailed off, glancing down to the bandage peeking out from underneath the hospital gown. Joss nodded, and he continued, “Her name’s Joan Watson. She’s one of Gregson’s pet consultants. You know, the ones Coventry is always whining his ass off about? Anyways, she and her partner were coming over because they wanted to look at some files we had that were related to a case they’re looking into. She used to be a surgeon, so she was able to keep you from bleeding out until the van arrived.”
“I’d like to meet her,” Joss said quietly, looking down at her hands. “If it’s possible. Taylor mentioned that security around my room is pretty tight.”
“Shouldn’t be a problem to get her in. I have her number, so I’ll give her a call later tonight.” Fusco fidgeted in his chair before continuing, “Taylor told you that Simmons is still out there?”
“Yeah, he mentioned that.”
“The feds have posted guards outside your wing, and they have folks watching Taylor and his dad,” Fusco explained quietly. “I told them how Simmons targeted my kid, so they’re worried that if he can’t get to you, he might go after a more vulnerable target just to hurt you.”
Her breath caught and she struggled to keep breathing. No. Not Taylor. He wasn’t part of this, never had been part of this.
“Hey, easy, Carter.” Fusco’s hand went awkwardly to her back as he tried to comfort her. “The feds are looking after him. And I’m not sure if this will make you feel better, because it’s a mixed bag for me, but Elias put the word out that anybody targeting your kid has an instant death sentence.”
“I’m starting to think Elias has Stockholm syndrome or something,” Joss muttered, resting her head on her knees. “First the flowers, now this. I’m almost scared to think of what comes next.”
“I don’t know, but this might be a don’t look the gift horse too closely type of situation.” Fusco waited until Joss’ breathing was under control before sitting back down. “Anyways, since the feds are watching you pretty closely, our mutual friends are hanging low for a while. Finch told me to tell you, probably so that you didn’t think they forgot about you when they didn’t show up for visitor’s hours.”
“If that’s the case, then why did Shaw drop by to say hello this morning?”
Fusco shrugged. “No idea. This is Shaw we’re talking about here, Carter. She plays by her own set of rules. Fortunately, she’s on our side.”
“Yeah,” Joss agreed, smiling while thinking of the weapons Shaw had “liberated” for her use against the Russians. She hoped the other woman got a picture of John’s face when he realized she had his grenade launcher. “Well, since I won’t be seeing them any time soon, tell Finch thanks for the room.” She hesitated before adding, “And tell John I’m glad he’s doing better.”
Fusco gave her a long look before nodding. He was too good a detective not to pick up on the hesitation and wonder what caused it. But at least he respected her enough not to pry into what might’ve changed between her and John.
Fusco stayed a little while longer, giving her the updates on the HR case. If Joss was a betting woman, she’d have bet he was doing this in defiance of any sort of rules the doctors set in order to keep her stress levels low during her recovery.
After her fifth or so yawn, however, Fusco stood up. “You look like you’re about to fall asleep mid-word, Carter,” he told her. “I’ll head out so that you can get some rest.”
“Thanks, Fusco. For everything.”
He shrugged, an embarrassed red flush spreading across his cheeks. “We’re partners, Carter. It’s what we do.”
~*~*~
Joss stayed in the hospital for four more days before the doctors were satisfied enough with her recovery to let her loose. Even that was done reluctantly, given the severity of her injury. But Joss put her foot down. She wanted to go home. She wanted to sleep in her own bed and be in her own space away from the smell of disinfectant and the constant beeping of machines. She needed to go home and start putting her life back in order.
Fusco showed up with his car to drive her and Taylor home from the hospital. He and Taylor chatted easily in the front seat about the Yankees’ crap season while Joss semi-dozed in the backseat.
“Easy, Mom,” Taylor told her, helping her out of the car and towards their place. “You know what the doctors said.”
“I know what the doctors said,” Joss muttered in mock-frustration. On her other side, Fusco chuckled under his breath.
He stayed long enough to catch the end of a football game and eat some takeout before heading out, leaving Joss and Taylor curled up on the couch.
“After tomorrow, you need to go back to school,” she told him drowsily. “And no arguments. I know you’re worried about me, sweetie, but I don’t want you to fall behind.”
“I’m doing fine, Mom. I’ve worked it out with my teachers…”
“I know you have, Taylor, and I’m proud that you were able to handle that on your own. But I also want us to start getting back to normal.”
Taylor sighed and bowed his head. “Fine. But you gotta promise that if you need anything or if anything happens, you’ll call someone. No handling things alone if you don’t need to. Promise?”
“Promise,” Joss swore and kissed him on the forehead. “You’re a good kid, Taylor.”
As good as his word, Monday morning saw Taylor off to school, leaving Joss by herself for the first time since she’d been awake. Under strict orders not to stress herself and to remain as still as possible, Joss camped out on the sofa with a pile of books and magazines. Not in the mood to read, however, Joss instead took out her personal weapon and began methodically cleaning it. It made her feel useful instead of just sitting around doing nothing.
She just finished putting it back together when a sharp knock shattered the silence. Warily, she rose to her feet and shuffled towards the door, gun still in hand. Peering through the peephole, she spied one of the federal agents detailed to her standing in front of a familiar man and dog.
“Detective Carter,” the agent greeted her when she opened the door. He didn’t blink at the gun in Joss’ hand. “Mr. Bunting is here from the internet company. Says he has a request to look at some connectivity issues.”
“Yeah, Taylor told me he was having some problems and called to get help,” Joss lied, opening the door wider. “I thought he told you somebody was coming by, but it must’ve slipped his mind this morning.”
“It’s no problem,” the agent assured her, stepping aside to let Finch and Bear through.
Joss waited until the agent had crossed the street before closing the door and facing Finch. “Internet company?” she asked, leading the way back to the couch.
“It seemed to be the most plausible explanation that would cause the least amount of questions,” Finch replied, sitting down in the chair next to the sofa. Bear hopped up on the couch next to her and placed his head in her lap. “I’m sorry I wasn’t able to come see you in person before this, Detective, but…”
“Fusco explained the situation to me,” Joss interrupted while absently stroking Bear’s ears. “Thank you for the hospital room, by the way.”
“It was the least I could do, Detective.” He paused, adjusting his sleeves, before continuing, “Detective, regarding the conversation we started at the precinct. We never did get to discuss it further.”
Joss shrugged, unsurprised at the new topic of conversation. She’d been expecting it as soon as she saw his face through the door. “I didn’t think we really needed to discuss it further,” she said. “Am I pissed you didn’t trust me enough to tell me the truth even after we’d been working together for a while? Yes, a little. I understand that you have your reasons, but it still hurt that you never told me after all we’ve gone through, you know?”
Finch nodded jerkily. “I understand. And I also understand that given this and other recent events, you no longer wish to work with Mr. Reese, Ms. Shaw, and myself once you’ve sufficiently recovered.”
“Of course I’m still going to work with you!” Joss interjected. “Why wouldn’t I?”
“Are you sure, Detective? Our association has caused you to compromise many of the beliefs you once held. What Mr. Reese and I have asked of you since making your acquaintance has cost you physically and personally, and put you in extraordinary amounts of risk. I just ask that you think about what the costs of your partnership with us has been, and if it’s worth continuing.”
“Even if I stopped working with you, I can’t go back to the woman I was before this all started,” Joss explained quietly. She remembered what John told her, back when she wanted to know more. She’d gone down the road and there was no going back now, however much she wanted to go back to that simpler time every now and then.
“Look, before, I knew that the law didn’t work perfectly, but it worked well enough. I was still able to go home at night and look at my kid knowing that I’d done everything I could to make the world a little safer for him. Since working with you two, however? I know that there’s something I can do to keep bad things from happening, even if it’s outside the law. How can I live with myself knowing that I can do more to keep people safe, but I’m not doing it because of the risks involved? I’m a cop, Harold, and a soldier before that. I’ve been putting my life at risk for a long time before I met you and John, and I’m not about to stop any time soon.”
“That’s very noble of you, Detective,” Finch replied after a long pause. “And I appreciate your dedication. I just don’t want your association with us to put you further in harm’s way.”
Part of Joss wondered that if Fusco were in a similar situation, would Finch be having this same conversation with him? She didn’t voice that suspicion, however, and said instead, “I understand, Finch. But like I said, you’re stuck with me for a little while longer.”
Finch gave her a small little smile and stood up. “Very well, Detective. Since Officer Simmons is still unaccounted for, I’ll be leaving Bear with you and Taylor as an extra security measure.”
“So nobody’s caught his scent?” Joss asked, fingers tightening in Bear’s fur. Fusco had kept her updated on the case so far, but he’d been tight lipped recently whenever she brought up Simmons.
“Unfortunately, he seems to have disappeared, much to Mr. Reese’s consternation. He, Ms. Shaw and I have been searching for him, with additional help from your partner. I also believe that Elias has put out a reward as well.” Joss made a face, and Finch’s smile widened almost imperceptivity. “As much as you dislike him, Elias seems to have taken a shine to you.”
“I couldn’t tell, what with the flowers and all,” Joss muttered, getting to her feet as well and following Finch towards the door. Once she recovered, she and Elias were going to have a long talk about this newfound interest in her.
“Get well, Detective,” Finch told her as she opened the door for him. “I don’t know what it is, but our little band is missing something when you’re not around.”
Joss chuckled softly and gave Finch’s shoulder a small squeeze. “I think that’s the sweetest thing you’ve ever said to me, Harold.”
~*~*~
Joss couldn’t sleep. She didn’t know why, but no matter how long she closed her eyes or how hard she tried to calm her mind, sleep remained just out of reach. Maybe it was the quiet in her house compared to the hospital. Maybe it was the knowledge that the man who tried to kill her was still out there, possibly just waiting until the heat died down to try again. Maybe it was the unresolved situation with her and John hanging over her. Whatever it was, Joss couldn’t sleep and it was starting to annoy the hell out of her.
Giving up, at least for now, of actually falling asleep, Joss quietly left her room and went downstairs, Bear following close behind. Even though Taylor normally wasn’t too light of a sleeper, she didn’t want him waking up and worrying over her.
She was in the kitchen boiling some water for tea, when she heard a soft, familiar voice coming from outside.
“Joss? Do you want to let me in?”
I shouldn’t even be surprised, Joss thought to herself, walking over to the back door. She opened it to reveal a disheveled looking John Reese leaning against the doorframe.
“At least you knocked this time,” she remarked, stepping back to let him inside.
“I would’ve come in the front door, but I didn’t want to give your nice FBI detail a reason to put an extra bullet in me.” Bear trotted over and sat by John’s feet, panting happily.
Joss snorted as she closed the door behind him, and tilted her head up to get a good look at him. “You doing OK?”
He shrugged, eyes not leaving her face. “As well as expected. Recovering from being shot is never fun, and it’s worse knowing the guy who shot me is still out there.”
“So still no lead on where Simmons ended up?”
“Not since Finch dropped by and left my dog with you.”
“Your dog? I thought you and Finch shared ownership, although Shaw seems pretty possessive of him,” Joss countered with a smile. “And who knows? He might prefer staying with me, since Taylor’s spoiling him rotten already.”
John returned her smile and shook his head. “Lucky dog.”
The piercing whistle of the kettle cut off Joss before she could come up with any sort of retort. “I’m making some tea,” she said instead. “You want any?”
“I could use a drink.”
Neither of them spoke while Joss took out an extra mug and tea bag and poured the hot water. Nor did they speak when Joss handed John his mug and lead him and Bear to the couch in the living room and sat down on opposite ends.
Joss cradled her mug and stared at steam rising off the liquid. She’d been waiting for this visit from John ever since waking up, although she’d been hoping he’d come by sooner than this. Of course, now that he was actually here, she had no idea of what she wanted to say to him. They hadn’t talked about what happened at the morgue before the shooting or even had a conversation about needing to talk. In the elation of taking down HR, even with Simmons unaccounted for, it felt like she had all the time in the world to sort things out.
“Back at the morgue,” she began, starting before she lost her nerve. “Did you- ”Her voice caught and she swallowed before beginning again. “Did you mean it, John? Not just the kiss, but all of it?” The kiss had been one thing, but the confession that he couldn’t lose her was another. She’d seen the aftermath of him losing somebody he cared about back when they first met. The fact that he all but said her dying would set him down that path again terrified her.
“I meant every word, Joss.” The usual edge in his voice was gone, making him sound more vulnerable than she was used to. “Why?”
Joss took a long sip before answering, “People do things when they think they’re going to die. They say things that they might not say otherwise, and with you…” Her voice trailed off while she searched for the right word, gaze still firmly fixed on her mug. Cal had been easy and straightforward, even with her secrets. Things with John were anything but that. “If I want to be honest with myself, things have been complicated with us for a while now, at least on my end.”
“Would it help if I said things have been complicated for a while on my end as well?” John offered quietly.
“I don’t know.” Joss finally looked over at John and met his eyes. “What you did, what you said changes things. I can’t pretend that it didn’t happen and try to go on like things were before.”
A knot began to form in her chest. For all the grief she gave him about going outside the law and only calling her when he was in trouble, John was just as much her partner as Fusco. Even with the whole “it’s complicated” label they’d mutually applied, he was her friend. She didn’t want to lose that, but she couldn’t lie to herself and pretend that nothing changed between them. She owed herself that much.
He hesitated before speaking, his eyes searching her face for something. “What do you want, Joss? What do you want to do?”
That was the billion-dollar question, now wasn’t it? What did she want in regards to John? “Maybe we could see where this goes once things settle down and my son isn’t asleep upstairs,” she suggested quietly. “Talking, dating, I don’t know. But at least starting to figure out what we are.”
Some of the tension drained out of John’s body, and Joss realized he was as unsure about this new situation between them as she was. “I’d like that,” he replied, hope and relief in his voice. “I’d like that a lot.”
Joss let out the breath she hadn’t realized she was holding in and nodded. “Alright. But, John, if we’re going to move forward with… whatever this is, I want you to promise me something. Promise me that if anything happens to me, you’ll respect me enough not to lose yourself.” Joss was under no delusions. Maybe John wouldn’t devolve back into exactly who he’d been when they met, but he could easily fall apart in other ways. Ghosts of New Rochelle rose before her eyes, only with her death as the triggering incident.
“Only if you can do the same for me. Don’t tell me you’d have taken half the risks you did with HR if Quinn hadn’t ordered Beecher’s death.” He inched closer, but didn’t touch for her. “You’re the best of us, Joss. I don’t want you to lose that more than you have because of me.”
Tears pricked her eyes, and she had to look away from the raw earnestness in his face. “Don’t put me on a pedestal, John,” she whispered. “I’m not as good as you think I am.”
“Yes, you are. Most of us are atoning for something we’ve done or who we used to be, but you?” A calloused hand cupped her cheek and turned her back towards him. “Your heart was in the right place from the beginning.”
She didn’t know how to answer that, her mind unable to come up with any words. So instead, she leaned forward and pressed a gentle, lingering kiss on John’s lips.
“Alright,” John whispered when they broke apart, forehead resting against hers. His hand on her face trembled ever so slightly when he stroked her cheek. Or maybe it was her shaking, she wasn’t sure.
Joss moved closer, wrapping an arm around him and leaning onto his shoulder. There was so much they had to talk about and start to work through to start untangling everything between them, and it would have to happen sooner rather than later. But that could wait until later. For now, she was content to simply be.
~*~*~
The next morning, Joss was in the middle of a sodoku with Bear at her feet when the phone rang. John had left before Taylor woke up the night before, not that she blamed him. Even though Taylor knew and liked the man who had saved him from Elias’ men, having him walk in on them was the last thing either of them wanted.
She stared at the screen’s declaration of “blocked number”, weighing her options. It could be John or Finch. It also could also easily be somebody else. It rang again, its noise far too loud in her otherwise silent house “Hello?” she answered, picking up the phone and taking her chances.
“Detective.”
Joss’ back straightened at the sound of Elias’ voice. “Elias,” she answered evenly, glancing at the FBI car still parked across the street.
“I hope you liked the flowers that I sent you,” he replied in that congenial tone she learned early on not to trust. They’d been reluctant allies taking down HR after she saved his life, but that part of their lives was over. Even with the flowers and everything else, it was only a matter of time before their old antagonism resurfaced. At least, part of her hoped that was the case. That was more straightforward and understandable.
“They were beautiful,” Joss said after a pause. “Thank you.”
“I was going to leave it at that, but I found the opportunity to get you the perfect get well present. I hope you like it; I went through a lot of trouble trying to secure it.”
A shiver ran down Joss’ spine as she got to her feet and demanded, “What did you do?”
“Get better, Detective, and enjoy your time off. I have a feeling things are going to be quite interesting when you come back on duty.”
“Elias? What-?” But he had already hung up, leaving Joss to glare at the phone. “Bastard.”
The phone started ringing again less than a minute later. Joss snatched it up, barely registering Fusco’s name on the display.
“Fusco?”
“We got the bastard, Carter!” he told her excitedly, voice barely audible over the background noise coming through as well. “Some beat cops found Simmons hog tied right outside their car coming back from lunch.”
“What?” Joss asked incredulously as Bear put his head in her lap. “How the hell did that happen?”
“No clue yet. Simmons is unconscious, but that’s probably going to be the first question the feds ask him.” Fusco’s voice dropped and he continued, “Do you think our mutual friends had a hand in this?”
Her mind went back to Elias’ call and her fingers tightened in Bear’s fur. “I don’t think so,” she said carefully. “Come over later once things calm down and give me all the details?”
“Sounds like a plan. See you then, Carter. I bet you’re gonna be resting easier now that Simmons is off the street.”
“Yeah. See you then.”
Joss hung up the phone and looked down at her companion. “Why do I think things aren’t going to settle down any time soon?”
Bear just gave her a doggie smile and pressed his cold nose into her hand. “Yeah, that’s what I thought.”
Her fingers touched her new scar through her t-shirt and she sighed. Hopefully she’d have time to sort out her new equilibrium before things started getting too unsettled. The universe owed her that much, at least.