Missing my husband
Right now I'm in a lot of pain - physical pain. I don't know why. My right knee won't straighten completely - it feels like my hamstring is strung-bow-tight. My thigh, about 3-5 inches above the knee, hurts when I stand and walk on it, along with my knee feeling swollen. Most of the skin area around the knee is tender to the touch, tho if I'm not touching it, not standing on it, not putting pressure on it either by pressing my foot to the floor or otherwise levering teh knee, it doesn't hurt. I used the Embeda two days in a row, and then couldn't wake up yesterday, and possibly the day before? I've lost track... and today I'm awake, and in slightly less pain, and also started using a crutch on my left side, as a sort of cane. It's helping in some ways, but makes things more difficult in others. I finally had enough brain to use the patient portal and send a message to my nominal Primary Care Physician to see what I should do. I expect to hear back tomorrow at some point. It was actually 3 messages, because I recounted what's happened, I recounted the various pieces of my issues that may be relevant, I recounted what meds I'd recently been taken off of (they have hte list of what I'm on), and I expressed a path of action that might get this figured out. But I don't know how to make anything happen in these times of telehealth (doesn't work for physical exam/xray/etc) and 'if you don't have trouble breathing, just get in the back of the line'.
And what I miss is the way Otter would just... pick things up. He'd make sure dinner happened, he'd come up and try to find out if there was something he could do, he'd listen. I could ask 'rub bengay on it' and he'd figure out where the bengay is and when done make sure it was somewhere sensible, and not give body-language that made it seem like this is an imposition. That he was uncomfortable with me needing help.
He'd come up and check on me and give me a hug at random. I still find myself waiting for his footsteps coming into the house, cause then I'd get a hug.
My eldest comes up to check and hug sometimes. Usually in concert with asking about something, or telling me something that's wrong. If I ask for physical help, this is who is possibly more competent, and yet the more likely that I'll get "uncomfortable, imposition, i really don't want to be dealing with this" vibes from.
My youngest doesn't give me these vibes. I'm more likely to get a joke, or a wry comment, "why is the hair on top of your head more grey than the hair that was cut shortshort due to the psoriasis?" "Um. I dunno." So they're the one that I'm asking for things like 'rub the brush on my back to get rid of the psoriasis scales' and 'put the goop on my back' and are more likely to not seem like it's a problem when I search for a word.
ANd yet... both of them wait till I ask for something - sometimes more than once - before they'll take action on something. Tonight I was asked over discord about what I wanted for dinner, and I responded. Apparently Eldest didn't see a notification. ANd hadn't checked back, thinking that odd. In 2+ hours. Until I said something again. Mind you, youngest is on that discord, and hadn't said anything either, hadn't noticed the time passing. And I'm trying not to be bitchy about things cause I've *been* bitchy, and been called out on it, in a way that makes it feel that my comments about having perennial housemates into my future feels very very much that what I have are housemates. Oblivious, detached housemates. Who will only help with any problem I have if I ask, and ask ahead of time, and don't have any expectations of being even acknowledged, never mind helped. Never mind, "hey ma, you said you were hurting, do you need anything right now before I get busy with something for the next three hours?"
There is no one who acts as tho their priority is me (after themself). There's no one who takes action on things that need solving, without me noticing and pointing it out, and even stating the solution to the problem. If I say, 'this is one solution, there may be others' things don't happen.
I'm so tired of this.
This entry was originally posted at https://khatru.dreamwidth.org/18439.html. You can comment here, or there using OpenID. There are
comments there. Hopefully this is doing the right thing.
And what I miss is the way Otter would just... pick things up. He'd make sure dinner happened, he'd come up and try to find out if there was something he could do, he'd listen. I could ask 'rub bengay on it' and he'd figure out where the bengay is and when done make sure it was somewhere sensible, and not give body-language that made it seem like this is an imposition. That he was uncomfortable with me needing help.
He'd come up and check on me and give me a hug at random. I still find myself waiting for his footsteps coming into the house, cause then I'd get a hug.
My eldest comes up to check and hug sometimes. Usually in concert with asking about something, or telling me something that's wrong. If I ask for physical help, this is who is possibly more competent, and yet the more likely that I'll get "uncomfortable, imposition, i really don't want to be dealing with this" vibes from.
My youngest doesn't give me these vibes. I'm more likely to get a joke, or a wry comment, "why is the hair on top of your head more grey than the hair that was cut shortshort due to the psoriasis?" "Um. I dunno." So they're the one that I'm asking for things like 'rub the brush on my back to get rid of the psoriasis scales' and 'put the goop on my back' and are more likely to not seem like it's a problem when I search for a word.
ANd yet... both of them wait till I ask for something - sometimes more than once - before they'll take action on something. Tonight I was asked over discord about what I wanted for dinner, and I responded. Apparently Eldest didn't see a notification. ANd hadn't checked back, thinking that odd. In 2+ hours. Until I said something again. Mind you, youngest is on that discord, and hadn't said anything either, hadn't noticed the time passing. And I'm trying not to be bitchy about things cause I've *been* bitchy, and been called out on it, in a way that makes it feel that my comments about having perennial housemates into my future feels very very much that what I have are housemates. Oblivious, detached housemates. Who will only help with any problem I have if I ask, and ask ahead of time, and don't have any expectations of being even acknowledged, never mind helped. Never mind, "hey ma, you said you were hurting, do you need anything right now before I get busy with something for the next three hours?"
There is no one who acts as tho their priority is me (after themself). There's no one who takes action on things that need solving, without me noticing and pointing it out, and even stating the solution to the problem. If I say, 'this is one solution, there may be others' things don't happen.
I'm so tired of this.
This entry was originally posted at https://khatru.dreamwidth.org/18439.html. You can comment here, or there using OpenID. There are
comments there. Hopefully this is doing the right thing.