guilty
I was thinking... Is it right to be from the stars but never look up at them to say hello?
I think living downtown in the city prevents seeing the beauty that is above us but I'm addicted to and love the city energy. I need to reconnect and I'm not sure where the outlet is. It's not that I don't feel alive - because I do... it's just I think I've forgotten where I put my flashlight and I can't even see and inch ahead of me. I'm going in blind. It's much like the feeling of when you take the training wheels off. Hmm.. *ponders* Just thinking... life changes so drastically from moment to moment and sometimes we're there for the change and it's a shock or sometimes we've wondered off somewhere else and when we come back we realize we're different in some way. I feel different every day. If that's possible. It's scary and wonderfully amazing how a human can change in so many ways. How one minute I can be sure that I'm not going to live through a situation to living and making it all the way through the smoke - out on the other side and never got touched by the flame. Life sometimes never ceases to amaze me. It's small things, it's big things, it's anything, it's everything.
I get so lost so quick. I often forget my life's purpose. But I always come back to right where I need to be when I need to be there. I say everyday and often more than once that "Everything happens for a reason". I can never faulter on that belief. It is what keeps me going when nothing else does. Life goes on - the show must go on - and so forth. The world doesn't stop for me because my life is on hault.
I remember after Jeremy committed suicide how his life ended. He lay cold and stiff in his casket. A cold like no other cold I've ever felt before. I felt such pain so deep inside me that I thought I might get sick and often time did... I couldn't understand how everyone else could go on... my friend lies here dead by his own hand - and YOU can smile or laugh.... I seriously couldn't figure out why everyone elses lives just went on.. I understand much better now. Death is necessary for us to understand life. You cannot have light without the dark. You must have an equal ammount on both sides of you - two sides to every story and two sides to every coin.
Things are changing for me at a pretty drastic rate and it's good, it feels good, for once I feel absolutely amazing. I feel guilty sometimes for feeling so good when others around me are suffering in some way or the other. I feel guilty for having things that other people don't. I have less than some and more than others. I am grateful, I truly am - even in my ignorance.
This must be the other side of suicide... this must be chosing life. Wow. I hope that I can continue to break through the branches and come out okay on the other side of every path I choose to walk. Every decision I choose to make. Every problem that arises and falls. I just hope to continue to have humility and be gracious and grateful for everything that can so easily be taken away from me. I hope I remember to thank the world, the spirit, the soul, lifes essence and being - our gods and our goddesses, etc.. hope I can remain grateful. I am blessed.
I think we are all blessed - we just have to look at our lives in the right light - it's like a hidden code but once you know where it's at you can always find it again - it will always be there. I guess all of this is coming from a couple tarot readings from and for Jenny - and talking about our spirituality and beliefs and such. I was brought back to remember a couple of the main reasons I'm here now in this particular body and life. There are some things I believe right down to my very core - beliefs that no one can shake because it is truth for me. I feel comfortable with knowing that I have that. I have "something" to believe in. *contented sigh*
So many thoughts - but I'm getting ready to go to a cook out with Raven's family. Apparently they like me, imagine that!!! I got it right for once! LOL ! Hey - it's life - live, let live, learn, and if you are lucky - let go!
Enjoy the ride!
I think living downtown in the city prevents seeing the beauty that is above us but I'm addicted to and love the city energy. I need to reconnect and I'm not sure where the outlet is. It's not that I don't feel alive - because I do... it's just I think I've forgotten where I put my flashlight and I can't even see and inch ahead of me. I'm going in blind. It's much like the feeling of when you take the training wheels off. Hmm.. *ponders* Just thinking... life changes so drastically from moment to moment and sometimes we're there for the change and it's a shock or sometimes we've wondered off somewhere else and when we come back we realize we're different in some way. I feel different every day. If that's possible. It's scary and wonderfully amazing how a human can change in so many ways. How one minute I can be sure that I'm not going to live through a situation to living and making it all the way through the smoke - out on the other side and never got touched by the flame. Life sometimes never ceases to amaze me. It's small things, it's big things, it's anything, it's everything.
I get so lost so quick. I often forget my life's purpose. But I always come back to right where I need to be when I need to be there. I say everyday and often more than once that "Everything happens for a reason". I can never faulter on that belief. It is what keeps me going when nothing else does. Life goes on - the show must go on - and so forth. The world doesn't stop for me because my life is on hault.
I remember after Jeremy committed suicide how his life ended. He lay cold and stiff in his casket. A cold like no other cold I've ever felt before. I felt such pain so deep inside me that I thought I might get sick and often time did... I couldn't understand how everyone else could go on... my friend lies here dead by his own hand - and YOU can smile or laugh.... I seriously couldn't figure out why everyone elses lives just went on.. I understand much better now. Death is necessary for us to understand life. You cannot have light without the dark. You must have an equal ammount on both sides of you - two sides to every story and two sides to every coin.
Things are changing for me at a pretty drastic rate and it's good, it feels good, for once I feel absolutely amazing. I feel guilty sometimes for feeling so good when others around me are suffering in some way or the other. I feel guilty for having things that other people don't. I have less than some and more than others. I am grateful, I truly am - even in my ignorance.
This must be the other side of suicide... this must be chosing life. Wow. I hope that I can continue to break through the branches and come out okay on the other side of every path I choose to walk. Every decision I choose to make. Every problem that arises and falls. I just hope to continue to have humility and be gracious and grateful for everything that can so easily be taken away from me. I hope I remember to thank the world, the spirit, the soul, lifes essence and being - our gods and our goddesses, etc.. hope I can remain grateful. I am blessed.
I think we are all blessed - we just have to look at our lives in the right light - it's like a hidden code but once you know where it's at you can always find it again - it will always be there. I guess all of this is coming from a couple tarot readings from and for Jenny - and talking about our spirituality and beliefs and such. I was brought back to remember a couple of the main reasons I'm here now in this particular body and life. There are some things I believe right down to my very core - beliefs that no one can shake because it is truth for me. I feel comfortable with knowing that I have that. I have "something" to believe in. *contented sigh*
So many thoughts - but I'm getting ready to go to a cook out with Raven's family. Apparently they like me, imagine that!!! I got it right for once! LOL ! Hey - it's life - live, let live, learn, and if you are lucky - let go!
Enjoy the ride!