one more thing...
Two more things actually. Benny came to nyc last week, and I was supposed to go meet up with him in the city...first thing he said when he called was "Don't tell larissa I'm in town, we're sort of having issues." Luckily I hadn't talked to her until today. But then she called, we talked, and eventually she said "so when benny called you last week, it was because he was in town, wasn't it." So I told her, because I felt so guilty lying. I was mad at Benny for putting me in that position, and I was mad at myself because he's my friend so even though it upset me, I promised him I wouldn't tell. So I broke a promise to him, and in the meantime betrayed Larissa by keeping that secret from her. I made her swear NEVER to tell Benny, because even if she thinks he'd not say anything to me, he would, so I'd find out if she ratted me out. She promised she wouldn't. But she's good, we're going to try to hang out sometime soon. She wants to try to find me a job at the graphic design house she works at in CT. I told her we'll see, but it wouldn't be easy without a degree. She said my work is strong enough that they'd hire me just for my portfolio. That made me happy.
The other thing, (the reason I came to make this entry) is that this journal is for me. It is intended as a record, so I don't forget the past, or else I will...I just don't have the capacity to remember everything and apply what I've learned, because I forget to remember it- forget what I've learned. But also, it's public, so I obviously realize that others will read it...it's gone from sort of a journal to a novel. I know Susan reads it, because I pester her to, and because she wants to I guess. She's become sort of this new meaning in my life. I don't always act in total honesty. Not that I flat out lie, but I won't lie and say that I haven't before. But this is just that you know, I always want a clean slate, but there's always too much plot line before and currently, to be able to start fresh. But with Susan, I don't see her every day but I write about everything that happens in my journal. She can see everything. She's my way of not hiding anything. Of making everything open...I want everyone in my life to have this from me, but she's about the only one I can think of, that I wouldn't have to say "here, I've hidden this, and this, and this from you." I knew her from a long time ago, and by the grace of God or some other fortune, she's around in my life again. So I look to her...she sort of encourages me, even though she doesn't realize it. I write, and I almost leave things out that I don't want other people to know or anything...but then I think that I want her to know everything, to be someone, right now the only one, in my life who I am completely honest with. She'll think I'm crazy. But it's true, and it means so much to me...I'm sort of writing this so she'll see it...you'll see it...whatever. I mean I know she'll read it, but it's not just to say these things meaninglessly. I mean what I just wrote. Susan you're helping me get to be who and how I want to be...thanks. You mean a lot to me...more than you know, and more than you'd think based on our 10-minutes-a-day relationship.
The other thing, (the reason I came to make this entry) is that this journal is for me. It is intended as a record, so I don't forget the past, or else I will...I just don't have the capacity to remember everything and apply what I've learned, because I forget to remember it- forget what I've learned. But also, it's public, so I obviously realize that others will read it...it's gone from sort of a journal to a novel. I know Susan reads it, because I pester her to, and because she wants to I guess. She's become sort of this new meaning in my life. I don't always act in total honesty. Not that I flat out lie, but I won't lie and say that I haven't before. But this is just that you know, I always want a clean slate, but there's always too much plot line before and currently, to be able to start fresh. But with Susan, I don't see her every day but I write about everything that happens in my journal. She can see everything. She's my way of not hiding anything. Of making everything open...I want everyone in my life to have this from me, but she's about the only one I can think of, that I wouldn't have to say "here, I've hidden this, and this, and this from you." I knew her from a long time ago, and by the grace of God or some other fortune, she's around in my life again. So I look to her...she sort of encourages me, even though she doesn't realize it. I write, and I almost leave things out that I don't want other people to know or anything...but then I think that I want her to know everything, to be someone, right now the only one, in my life who I am completely honest with. She'll think I'm crazy. But it's true, and it means so much to me...I'm sort of writing this so she'll see it...you'll see it...whatever. I mean I know she'll read it, but it's not just to say these things meaninglessly. I mean what I just wrote. Susan you're helping me get to be who and how I want to be...thanks. You mean a lot to me...more than you know, and more than you'd think based on our 10-minutes-a-day relationship.