Black Friday plans...
Now I've never, in my life, ever, ever (since it really got crazy about 10-15 years ago) been out on Black Friday. But? All these stupid commercials and the ridiculous idea of going shopping, when you know it's going to be psycho and un-fun and stressful have made me change my mind.
So I'm going shopping too. For fun. First stop, four 5-gallon buckets of roofing nails, for seeding the mall parking lot. Second stop, Radio Shack for a huge electro-magnet. I can wipe credit cards, cellphones, and if I get lucky I might even be able to blank car keys. Third stop, wrench to take the wheels off of shopping carts. Fourth stop, football gear and pads. I don't really want any shit on the shelves, but when I see someone else go for something? Like the last god damn candy land robot master laser lizard? I am going to fucking town, bitches. Body-check, straight-arm, spiking their shins, FTW. Toby didn't deserve the toy if you weren't willing to get crippled for it anyway, lamer. Counterfeit money for the Salvation Army bell-ringers pots (you know how many poor, crippled, orphan bastards will starve to death while the Secret Service and the Treasury department make sure it's not a terrorist plot with sarin in nickels? Win.) Gonna bring a pocketful of dry ice, and every time I see a puddle? Dry ice cube, plunk. Break a leg, mufucker. Get on with your bad self. I'm bringing extra liquid car wax for the nice linoleum floors. Break two legs, you might get a candy land robot master laser lizard, if you really put your heart into it, in spite of me. I'm going to walk around the store, changing price tags around, switching bathroom gender signs, and whispering that the last furby-xbox-laser-sword-quidditch-broom is on sale in Electronics.
Happy Holidays, your friend,
Krampus
So I'm going shopping too. For fun. First stop, four 5-gallon buckets of roofing nails, for seeding the mall parking lot. Second stop, Radio Shack for a huge electro-magnet. I can wipe credit cards, cellphones, and if I get lucky I might even be able to blank car keys. Third stop, wrench to take the wheels off of shopping carts. Fourth stop, football gear and pads. I don't really want any shit on the shelves, but when I see someone else go for something? Like the last god damn candy land robot master laser lizard? I am going to fucking town, bitches. Body-check, straight-arm, spiking their shins, FTW. Toby didn't deserve the toy if you weren't willing to get crippled for it anyway, lamer. Counterfeit money for the Salvation Army bell-ringers pots (you know how many poor, crippled, orphan bastards will starve to death while the Secret Service and the Treasury department make sure it's not a terrorist plot with sarin in nickels? Win.) Gonna bring a pocketful of dry ice, and every time I see a puddle? Dry ice cube, plunk. Break a leg, mufucker. Get on with your bad self. I'm bringing extra liquid car wax for the nice linoleum floors. Break two legs, you might get a candy land robot master laser lizard, if you really put your heart into it, in spite of me. I'm going to walk around the store, changing price tags around, switching bathroom gender signs, and whispering that the last furby-xbox-laser-sword-quidditch-broom is on sale in Electronics.
Happy Holidays, your friend,
Krampus