The Adventures of Bobby
Once upon a time, in a land not-so far away, in a time not-so long ago there lived a beautiful princess in the magical kingdom of Easte. Her father, the king ruled his hidden valley well, his people were mostly peaceful and generally amiable, though somewhat plagued by a tribe of goblins in the hills. Luckily, the King's Champion Sir Robert The Brave, by reputation alone, did quite well in keeping the king's person well guarded.
Now Bobby, though merely 8 (and a half!), and of no particular or notable parentage had appointed himself the princess's bodyguard. Not because she was his favorite, or because she didn't smell. She was a girl. But because he was named after Sir Robert (The Brave!) and so, sir Bobby (and a half! the reasonably courageous) figured he needed a royal person to protect, and Sir Robert (The Brave!) already had the king, and thus there was only the princess left.
Now, the kingdom (and the princess) generally considered Bobby's duties...ceremonial to put it charitably, but then, Princess Caroline was only 9, and truth-be-told, a bit of a handful for her aging wards. So when she slipped off (probably picking flowers or some dumb girl thing, and making too much noise and chasing off all the frogs, like a dumbie head) there was no alarm. Until the goblin messenger came, bearing Princess Caroline (The Captured!)'s silk slipper.
Sir Robert (The Brave) called a war-council, the king and the generals and the viziers and 'visers came and sat down and drank wine and talked and talked and Bobby got bored, as 8 (and a half!) year old's are wont to do and went to fix the problem. Because adults are sorta dumb too. Like girls, but with less fluffy and they usually smell less too.
sir Bobby The Smart marched himself up the hill trail, and right up to the goblin cave's front door. Then he turned around and cast down the trail for the longest branch he could find. And he stood waaaaaaaaaaaaay back and he knocked on the door with the branch. It might have been 20 or 50 feet, but it could have been 8 too. It is hard to tell lengths exactly when you're 8 (and a half!)
Now goblins, how do I put this...they smell worse than girls. And they are dumber than 'dults. But? They were not quite so dumb as to open the door, straight away, to the knocking of a stick. So the goblin with the loudest voice was elected as Grand Negotiator and he said, "Who is there and what do you want?" And Bobby threw down his stick and picked up a mud ball and threw it at the door. "I am Bobby and I am princess Caroline's bodyguard. Even though she has cooties, so I try not to touch her so I don't get them and die. She has to go to her tutors so send her home, please."
"What are cooties?" asked the dutiful goblin Grand Negotiator. "It is what girls have, because they are girls and gross and try to kiss you and wear flowers on their head and cry and stupid stuff. You can die from it." Bobby helpfully supplied. "We sense that this is a trick, and so we won't release her." he replied.
"FINE I WILL PROVE IT TO YOU! I am trying to save your stupid life, stupidhead." And Bobby marched all the way back to the village, and then back again. With two companions in tow. In a great loud yell he called, "This is George and I had to give him my best pebble that was green like a frog, to get him to do this. And that stupid cootie head is Margie. Are you watching, goblin-face? She is gonna kiss him." Whereupon, she did, and George, as 8 year olds are forced to do, instantly went into a paroxysm of agony and foamed at the mouth, his face turned bright red, and he sank down to his knees, weakly, before falling dead, and then flopping six or seven times and looking up once to see if anybody saw how good he was at dying.
"See?" Said Bobby, "George is dead because he got girl cooties and now if you don't let Princess Caroline go, Margie is gonna kiss you too! You can trust me because I am smarter than you, I got a A on my paper. Did you?" Now, given that unassailable logic, riven with the threat of being assailed by Margie's cooties the goblins thrust Princess Caroline out the wooden door and clapped it tightly shut after. And Bobby threw another mud ball, this time at Princess Caroline. To clean her cooties off. Because now she had goblin cooties too on her, plus girl cooties. So it was like a double-cootie thing. She didn't see his side of things, at all, and chased him home quite wroth.
Sometimes, it's up to the brave knight to rescue the goblins from the princess (and her cooties), and then to rescue her from goblin (and girl) cooties too. Even though no one really understood (not to mention appreciated) Bobby's de-cootie-ing contributions, and they sorta forgot that he was a hero, they all pretty much lived happily ever after. As happily ever after as it is possible to do when you have a guard a 9 year old princess with cooties, anyway.
K.
Now Bobby, though merely 8 (and a half!), and of no particular or notable parentage had appointed himself the princess's bodyguard. Not because she was his favorite, or because she didn't smell. She was a girl. But because he was named after Sir Robert (The Brave!) and so, sir Bobby (and a half! the reasonably courageous) figured he needed a royal person to protect, and Sir Robert (The Brave!) already had the king, and thus there was only the princess left.
Now, the kingdom (and the princess) generally considered Bobby's duties...ceremonial to put it charitably, but then, Princess Caroline was only 9, and truth-be-told, a bit of a handful for her aging wards. So when she slipped off (probably picking flowers or some dumb girl thing, and making too much noise and chasing off all the frogs, like a dumbie head) there was no alarm. Until the goblin messenger came, bearing Princess Caroline (The Captured!)'s silk slipper.
Sir Robert (The Brave) called a war-council, the king and the generals and the viziers and 'visers came and sat down and drank wine and talked and talked and Bobby got bored, as 8 (and a half!) year old's are wont to do and went to fix the problem. Because adults are sorta dumb too. Like girls, but with less fluffy and they usually smell less too.
sir Bobby The Smart marched himself up the hill trail, and right up to the goblin cave's front door. Then he turned around and cast down the trail for the longest branch he could find. And he stood waaaaaaaaaaaaay back and he knocked on the door with the branch. It might have been 20 or 50 feet, but it could have been 8 too. It is hard to tell lengths exactly when you're 8 (and a half!)
Now goblins, how do I put this...they smell worse than girls. And they are dumber than 'dults. But? They were not quite so dumb as to open the door, straight away, to the knocking of a stick. So the goblin with the loudest voice was elected as Grand Negotiator and he said, "Who is there and what do you want?" And Bobby threw down his stick and picked up a mud ball and threw it at the door. "I am Bobby and I am princess Caroline's bodyguard. Even though she has cooties, so I try not to touch her so I don't get them and die. She has to go to her tutors so send her home, please."
"What are cooties?" asked the dutiful goblin Grand Negotiator. "It is what girls have, because they are girls and gross and try to kiss you and wear flowers on their head and cry and stupid stuff. You can die from it." Bobby helpfully supplied. "We sense that this is a trick, and so we won't release her." he replied.
"FINE I WILL PROVE IT TO YOU! I am trying to save your stupid life, stupidhead." And Bobby marched all the way back to the village, and then back again. With two companions in tow. In a great loud yell he called, "This is George and I had to give him my best pebble that was green like a frog, to get him to do this. And that stupid cootie head is Margie. Are you watching, goblin-face? She is gonna kiss him." Whereupon, she did, and George, as 8 year olds are forced to do, instantly went into a paroxysm of agony and foamed at the mouth, his face turned bright red, and he sank down to his knees, weakly, before falling dead, and then flopping six or seven times and looking up once to see if anybody saw how good he was at dying.
"See?" Said Bobby, "George is dead because he got girl cooties and now if you don't let Princess Caroline go, Margie is gonna kiss you too! You can trust me because I am smarter than you, I got a A on my paper. Did you?" Now, given that unassailable logic, riven with the threat of being assailed by Margie's cooties the goblins thrust Princess Caroline out the wooden door and clapped it tightly shut after. And Bobby threw another mud ball, this time at Princess Caroline. To clean her cooties off. Because now she had goblin cooties too on her, plus girl cooties. So it was like a double-cootie thing. She didn't see his side of things, at all, and chased him home quite wroth.
Sometimes, it's up to the brave knight to rescue the goblins from the princess (and her cooties), and then to rescue her from goblin (and girl) cooties too. Even though no one really understood (not to mention appreciated) Bobby's de-cootie-ing contributions, and they sorta forgot that he was a hero, they all pretty much lived happily ever after. As happily ever after as it is possible to do when you have a guard a 9 year old princess with cooties, anyway.
K.