Sorry for the lack of continuity
I have a lot to say to one person. What i give will be a bundle of tangled threads, barbwire, glass and boiling blood. It will be niether concise nor consistent. I will wait till I see them in person.
This break has been a stream of ennui and a sense that i don't belong. I've entered some transtition period where neither AZ or Chicago is home. For the past month I've been going to sleep thinking about something beautiful that i stabbed to death. In the past week though I've been thinking about this and how little control I have over my life. My friends have jobs and aprtments and write music and make music while I've trapped myself in a world where i work for free for groups who have lost sight of their purpose. The oter memebrs profit from this because they get something siny on their resume. Unlike them though I was in this group because of an ideal...which is slowly dying... With what i want to do, organizational resume padding doesn't mean shit.
I need to produce something. I think and think and think whole unverses into existance all the time but have never written any of it down or drawn it. If I die today everything beautiful and explosively created within me will die with me. It's pretentious to believe that what I have is something new and unique to give to the world but maybe somehwere deep down i beleive that. My greatest, most heartstopping fear is that I'm wrong...totally wrong. That I'll pour it out onto a peace of paper and it will be a lifeless piece of shit.
Another issue is that my figthing and working out have stopped completely. One of the most enjoyable and fulfilling aspects of my life has fallen off the fucking map because of how fucked up my life has been. Aother reason I want to quit that group is because i need to make time to challenege myself physically. It may be hard to understand but when you are fighting and getting as close to the edge death as you can, you not only feel most alive but ARE most alive. Thoughts rush through your head at the speed of light and eventually dissociate and flow together into a metaconciousness. Everything is simulatanouesly clear and gone...
Without this nirvana...sometimes my life feels meaningless. I sit awake in bed restless and angry at the fucking world.
Speaking of which...i finally got something i wanted for a long time...and i felt nothing. I couldn't stop thinking about that dove i crushed in my fucking hands...
Someone say something.