(no subject)
i "done growed up" since the last time i visited alabama.
flying past the co-op fields (i remember you; tiny sun-browned fingers twisting free cotton candy clouds until they were numb, all for a few conveyer rides at the gin), fishing by early morning light on tommy's pond, watching the fog roll back before beautiful dawns, sipping moonshine from a mason jar: belly-warming familiarities.
and new affirmations, like four-year-old cousin connor, redneck devil child, bobbing for apples from a training potty. did so well, he made his daddy proud. why not offer kim one, my loving uncle wonders. i took a bite ("yee-ahp, tha's a grier girl ri' dere") and made him proud, too.
there is so much for me there, so much i could never find here; things i thought to give up for lost, reverberating memories, pieces of me. i was fashioned from red clay, full of dixie and lake jordan.
even the sunburns are kinder there, more forgiving. recognizing me, like the wetumpka wind.
i want to go home, more and more often.
but this...
...oh, this...
your application for the international service corps has been reviewed by our staff. we believe you possess many of the qualities needed by persons who serve overseas. it is our pleasure to invite you to attend the international service corps conference to be held in rockville, virginia, wednesday, october 6 - friday, october 8, 2004.
the last time i made such a difficult decision, i was twelve years old and tormented over my choice of middle schools and t.a.g. curriculum.
alabama, or nepal?
even my trials and tribulations seem absurdly weird.
i have a week until i need to make the call, yay or nay the offer, alter the course of my life. somehow, though i know i'll use every moment given to pray about this, i think i'm certain which i'm going to choose.
after nearly a year of contemplation, months and months of filling out applications, i am going to decline my invitation.
and i'm wondering, what's wrong here? me? was i horribly mistaken? were my instincts shoddy? did i talk myself out of doing what i'm supposed to be doing, or did i just convince myself that what i wanted to do was what i was meant to do?
no... because, see, i still feel the unalterable need to go. i am still confident that, someday, i'll be serving overseas in some capacity, for however long. i wanted it to be now, i did, but... well, we rarely see the big picture, you know.
so what was this year all about? i can't help but think that my application process at this time was my isaac, a test to see if i was committed to this call, no matter the cost, no matter the time, and without hesitation. i contemplated that realization, and it felt right. my heart settled back into my chest and beat more comfortable.
i have never made excuses for my actions, and i don't intend to start here. if i'm wrong, i trust there will be other opportunities.
flying past the co-op fields (i remember you; tiny sun-browned fingers twisting free cotton candy clouds until they were numb, all for a few conveyer rides at the gin), fishing by early morning light on tommy's pond, watching the fog roll back before beautiful dawns, sipping moonshine from a mason jar: belly-warming familiarities.
and new affirmations, like four-year-old cousin connor, redneck devil child, bobbing for apples from a training potty. did so well, he made his daddy proud. why not offer kim one, my loving uncle wonders. i took a bite ("yee-ahp, tha's a grier girl ri' dere") and made him proud, too.
there is so much for me there, so much i could never find here; things i thought to give up for lost, reverberating memories, pieces of me. i was fashioned from red clay, full of dixie and lake jordan.
even the sunburns are kinder there, more forgiving. recognizing me, like the wetumpka wind.
i want to go home, more and more often.
but this...
...oh, this...
your application for the international service corps has been reviewed by our staff. we believe you possess many of the qualities needed by persons who serve overseas. it is our pleasure to invite you to attend the international service corps conference to be held in rockville, virginia, wednesday, october 6 - friday, october 8, 2004.
the last time i made such a difficult decision, i was twelve years old and tormented over my choice of middle schools and t.a.g. curriculum.
alabama, or nepal?
even my trials and tribulations seem absurdly weird.
i have a week until i need to make the call, yay or nay the offer, alter the course of my life. somehow, though i know i'll use every moment given to pray about this, i think i'm certain which i'm going to choose.
after nearly a year of contemplation, months and months of filling out applications, i am going to decline my invitation.
and i'm wondering, what's wrong here? me? was i horribly mistaken? were my instincts shoddy? did i talk myself out of doing what i'm supposed to be doing, or did i just convince myself that what i wanted to do was what i was meant to do?
no... because, see, i still feel the unalterable need to go. i am still confident that, someday, i'll be serving overseas in some capacity, for however long. i wanted it to be now, i did, but... well, we rarely see the big picture, you know.
so what was this year all about? i can't help but think that my application process at this time was my isaac, a test to see if i was committed to this call, no matter the cost, no matter the time, and without hesitation. i contemplated that realization, and it felt right. my heart settled back into my chest and beat more comfortable.
i have never made excuses for my actions, and i don't intend to start here. if i'm wrong, i trust there will be other opportunities.