THIS MIGHT BE LONG...warning
So (cause all important things I have to post about start with so), I'm in a bit of a rut and don't even know what to do.
For real, I'm having a mini life crisis. When you are sitting with your boyfriend, your new boyfriend, and all of a sudden you get a FLASHBACK of your old boyfriend. A few times in a row this has happened. I want to be over that so badly. I am scared because this thought came to me yesterday while on my way to pick up bruce...."what if I'm struggling because the comfort that Bruce has around my family and friends and at my house, and all of the things that bruce does that I really like, I really just wanted from Matt"
I know when we broke up, I said that I didn't want to break up with Matt, it's just what I had to do. And now, I have someone who basically all the things I needed from Matt, but it's like I'm mad. Because I was already comfortable with Matt. Why couldn't he just stand up and be the man I wanted/needed him to be. Am I really still talking about this?
I am freaking out. I wanted it to be him. I really wanted it to be him. WOW. 5 months later, coming to this realization, while I'm now dating someone new. What is wrong with me? You'd think I could just be happy to finally have a guy that I've been lookin for. But now I just wish it were someone else? Am I losing my mind?
I really like Bruce. I'm happy when we're together. It's when we get to certain moments when he kisses me or something happens a certain way, I get this flashback of matt thing. That makes it really difficult for me to be happy when I'm aroud him or look forward to being around him. It sucks! I've never felt this way before. I don't want my past to dictate my future. I don't want my past relationship to ruin this one. But how can it not? I feel bad for thinking about matt when I'm with Bruce, like it's rude. And on top of that, do I keep it to myself or do I share it with Bruce? Do I tell him that I'm still not over Matt? That I still haven't let go completely? How do I explain that after 5 months, I still can't keep Matt out of my head. Do I talk to Matt about it? Ask him if he's having the same thing? How would Bruce feel if he found out I was talking to Matt...all of these things are RACING through my brain.
I just want to scream. I also want to cry but haven't been able to! Go figure. On top of this, I found out that my household sister Amanda, that I was uber close with, her dad passed away yesterday morning. He fell off of something and was unable to feel the left side of his body and as of saturday still had no feeling, but was able to move his fingers and toes. Amanda said he was offering up his suffering for all household sisters. (AMAZING!) but then something happened in the middle of the night and he died. Really, I should be able to cry.
I'm thinking that tonight, I will just go home after work and go to the chapel by my house for adoration then try to get some homework done. Maybe in the privacy of the chapel there I can let all my tears out and journal and read some scripture. Maybe I'll just hang with Jesus all night there!