A Long Way Down
I've realized it's gotten harder and harder to put my thoughts down. There is so much on my mind that I can't gather it all in an organized manor. Hence the hiatus from live journal for over a year. I witnessed something very sad and depressing at work today. One of our best employees and my close work friend was involved in a conflict in which a sales rep accosted her on the phone. Not only was this manner of approaching a problem again our “CBS code of conduct” but it was just plain unprofessional and rude. I’ve never seen Carlie so upset before. She was so angry she was in tears. It took Mike and I a minute to realize what was happening before we tried to calm her down. This is one of the things that bothers me about S&S. How terribly we treat our fellow employees. Stu (who sits directly across from Carlie) said immediately after she hung up the phone, “you shouldn’t have talked to a rep like that.” First of all, he shouldn’t be eavesdropping, second, it’s none of his business and third, he didn’t even stick up for Carlie. There’s no teamwork here, no support. That’s the difference between Mike, Carlie, and I to the rest of our department. We work together and we help each other. We have a relationship and it’s a good one. We’ve become friends and we stick by one another. The rest of the department is like a drone. They do what they have to do and they follow who’s on top. Their allegiance changes with the turn of the tide. It’s sickening. I’m so glad I’m not the only one seeing this now. I was beginning to think it was just me but now I know it’s not. I don’t know what I’d do without Carlie or Mike. We three have the same motto I suppose. Get what we’re supposed to do done, stick with each other and don’t go down without a fight.
I don’t belong here. I wish I could have known that before I finished school. There’s only one place I feel like I truly belong and that’s on stage. I would give anything to be able to pursue my passion, my dream over anything else. I need to be somewhere where I won’t get yelled at for being excited about something or having a louder voice than most people. I hate sitting in front of a computer all day. I need to be active and constantly doing something. I need to be somewhere where I can share my passion with others in the hopes that they too may be impacted by what they see or hear. I need to be doing something where I feel like I’m making a difference even if it’s a small one. I want to go back to school so badly. I just feel right about it. Being a teacher is going to allow me to do all of the things I want to do and more. I feel confident that this is the right thing for me to do.
The bad things outweigh the good things in my life right now but it’s those few good things that keep me going. Being involved in a show is the highlight of my life. Without it, I’d be far worse than I am right now. I can’t stop for too long or else I start to fall backwards. I’m in between shows now and just the thought of not doing theatre until the summer kills me. The more I stay at home, the more I’m around my parents, the farther back I slip into a life I worked so hard to change. I don’t ever want to go back to the person I was before I went to college. I can feel myself slipping, losing everything I worked so hard for and I would rather die.
I’m hoping that things get better. I feel like a lot of it depends on whether or not I go back to school. I have to go. I am going to go. I’m going to do whatever it takes to get there and sacrifice whatever I have to, to make it happen. I’ll be running in a completely different direction and I love that idea. My whole life is going to change once that happens. It’s already changing. I have found someone who I adore more than anyone else in the world and in the least likely of places and at the most unexpected time in my life. What’s more is that I have found someone who cares about me in return, more than I have ever known.
Everything happens for a reason and I know how cliché that sounds but I truly believe it. I believe that the choices I am making now are the right ones and will lead me to a better more fulfilling life. No regrets, not ever.
I don’t belong here. I wish I could have known that before I finished school. There’s only one place I feel like I truly belong and that’s on stage. I would give anything to be able to pursue my passion, my dream over anything else. I need to be somewhere where I won’t get yelled at for being excited about something or having a louder voice than most people. I hate sitting in front of a computer all day. I need to be active and constantly doing something. I need to be somewhere where I can share my passion with others in the hopes that they too may be impacted by what they see or hear. I need to be doing something where I feel like I’m making a difference even if it’s a small one. I want to go back to school so badly. I just feel right about it. Being a teacher is going to allow me to do all of the things I want to do and more. I feel confident that this is the right thing for me to do.
The bad things outweigh the good things in my life right now but it’s those few good things that keep me going. Being involved in a show is the highlight of my life. Without it, I’d be far worse than I am right now. I can’t stop for too long or else I start to fall backwards. I’m in between shows now and just the thought of not doing theatre until the summer kills me. The more I stay at home, the more I’m around my parents, the farther back I slip into a life I worked so hard to change. I don’t ever want to go back to the person I was before I went to college. I can feel myself slipping, losing everything I worked so hard for and I would rather die.
I’m hoping that things get better. I feel like a lot of it depends on whether or not I go back to school. I have to go. I am going to go. I’m going to do whatever it takes to get there and sacrifice whatever I have to, to make it happen. I’ll be running in a completely different direction and I love that idea. My whole life is going to change once that happens. It’s already changing. I have found someone who I adore more than anyone else in the world and in the least likely of places and at the most unexpected time in my life. What’s more is that I have found someone who cares about me in return, more than I have ever known.
Everything happens for a reason and I know how cliché that sounds but I truly believe it. I believe that the choices I am making now are the right ones and will lead me to a better more fulfilling life. No regrets, not ever.