Happy Birthday, Kwon Jiyong!
I'm relatively new to KPop (my one-year anniversary is in 3 weeks) so this is my first Jiyong birthday. And because of work responsibilities I've missed most of it. I've been a very bad VIP who didn't spend any time on Twitter with fellow VIPs to get birthday hashtags to worldwide trend.
But it's been hard for me lately to think about Jiyong. Actually, I've been avoiding thinking about Jiyong. And I'm going to get all creepy & fangirl-y here because I've got to make my confession since repressing it has been making me miserable.
Once I make it here I hope I never have to consider it again.
Jiyong,
The first time I ever saw you, that milestone day when I watched the Fantastic Baby MV for the first time and tried to understand what exactly was KPop, I was slightly afraid of you. Your intense look and seaweed hair was so strange to me.
That was also the first time I ever saw Seunghyun and my reaction was exactly the opposite. I was so attracted to him that I couldn't breathe. I automatically assumed he was the group leader because of his commanding presence, his deep voice, his ease at sitting on that throne-like chair. My single thought was not "I am lost." Rather I thought, "I am found."
As I learned more about BigBang and its members, I was glad to learn of the long friendships and the closeness you have for each other. I was stunned to learn that you, Jiyong were the leader and songwriter. My respect for you grew first, admiration followed for what you have achieved in your short life.
Meanwhile my love for Seunghyun grew as I learned of his weight issues as a child, his shyness, his deep feelings for his mother and sister. I watched all of his acting performances, looked at every fashion magazine shoot, and with each one I fell deeper into the abyss.
But when Seunghyun disappeared after the Alive tour, you were always there, promoting OOAK through Twitter and Instagram. I read your past interviews, watched the Heartbreaker MVs and then in one promotional video I heard you say my name. Hearing my name fall from your mouth made me shake uncontrollably and it was several minutes before I could compose myself.
I first noticed there was a problem when you began to occupy my dreams. Seunghyun had never traveled there; he was always with me in waking hours. You kept me company while I slept. Sometimes you were just there, not doing anything. Sometimes you were the devil in black leather who knew my safe word. Sometimes you were the one gently waking me just enough to make love and then holding me as I returned to sleep.
Each time afterward I awoke feeling guilty. Seunghyun (who is always on my phone lock screen) would smile sweetly at me and I would apologize to him. I foolishly rationalized that it's not cheating since it's Jiyong and I'm sure the two probably shared everything anyway.
When Seunghyun appeared on the OOAK tour and I saw the two of you together after so many months I realized that somewhere I had crossed a line. The strong feels that had been reserved for Seunghyun were stretched to include you.
That realization hit me hard. I tried denying it but as days passed the falseness left a bad taste in my mouth.
Last night I tried one final time to deny what was now painfully obvious. I drank so much soju that friends had to hide it from me before I did myself damage. I slept without dreaming and missed you. I woke with an aching head and a bruised heart.
Jiyong, it's your birthday and I realize I can only give you this most humble gift: my love.
Seunghyun, please forgive me. I'm begging you. I didn't want this to happen but it's no longer something I can deny. I love Jiyong as much as I love you, Seunghyun. My ultimate bias is now reserved for two who can arguably be considered as one.
Jiyong, please hold this confession close as I will never write of it again.
L
A/N: Reader - I'm sorry if this seems silly to you, but I hope you'll read without judging.
But it's been hard for me lately to think about Jiyong. Actually, I've been avoiding thinking about Jiyong. And I'm going to get all creepy & fangirl-y here because I've got to make my confession since repressing it has been making me miserable.
Once I make it here I hope I never have to consider it again.
Jiyong,
The first time I ever saw you, that milestone day when I watched the Fantastic Baby MV for the first time and tried to understand what exactly was KPop, I was slightly afraid of you. Your intense look and seaweed hair was so strange to me.
That was also the first time I ever saw Seunghyun and my reaction was exactly the opposite. I was so attracted to him that I couldn't breathe. I automatically assumed he was the group leader because of his commanding presence, his deep voice, his ease at sitting on that throne-like chair. My single thought was not "I am lost." Rather I thought, "I am found."
As I learned more about BigBang and its members, I was glad to learn of the long friendships and the closeness you have for each other. I was stunned to learn that you, Jiyong were the leader and songwriter. My respect for you grew first, admiration followed for what you have achieved in your short life.
Meanwhile my love for Seunghyun grew as I learned of his weight issues as a child, his shyness, his deep feelings for his mother and sister. I watched all of his acting performances, looked at every fashion magazine shoot, and with each one I fell deeper into the abyss.
But when Seunghyun disappeared after the Alive tour, you were always there, promoting OOAK through Twitter and Instagram. I read your past interviews, watched the Heartbreaker MVs and then in one promotional video I heard you say my name. Hearing my name fall from your mouth made me shake uncontrollably and it was several minutes before I could compose myself.
I first noticed there was a problem when you began to occupy my dreams. Seunghyun had never traveled there; he was always with me in waking hours. You kept me company while I slept. Sometimes you were just there, not doing anything. Sometimes you were the devil in black leather who knew my safe word. Sometimes you were the one gently waking me just enough to make love and then holding me as I returned to sleep.
Each time afterward I awoke feeling guilty. Seunghyun (who is always on my phone lock screen) would smile sweetly at me and I would apologize to him. I foolishly rationalized that it's not cheating since it's Jiyong and I'm sure the two probably shared everything anyway.
When Seunghyun appeared on the OOAK tour and I saw the two of you together after so many months I realized that somewhere I had crossed a line. The strong feels that had been reserved for Seunghyun were stretched to include you.
That realization hit me hard. I tried denying it but as days passed the falseness left a bad taste in my mouth.
Last night I tried one final time to deny what was now painfully obvious. I drank so much soju that friends had to hide it from me before I did myself damage. I slept without dreaming and missed you. I woke with an aching head and a bruised heart.
Jiyong, it's your birthday and I realize I can only give you this most humble gift: my love.
Seunghyun, please forgive me. I'm begging you. I didn't want this to happen but it's no longer something I can deny. I love Jiyong as much as I love you, Seunghyun. My ultimate bias is now reserved for two who can arguably be considered as one.
Jiyong, please hold this confession close as I will never write of it again.
L
A/N: Reader - I'm sorry if this seems silly to you, but I hope you'll read without judging.