I think I'll never see -LJ Idol week 6
I love all the little gadgets in my world, but I think that barefoot, pregnant in a sun dress and tending a garden would suit me just fine....that I would enjoy cooking the food I raised or grew and teaching my kids about the simple pleasures in life.
And I know I'm going to have to find an old soul if I'm to find someone who would enjoy that kind of life. Who would enjoy coming home from work at night to dinner cooked from the garden, to a wife who had the smell of sun and dirt on her skin.
I miss having a garden. I miss the feel of the dirt in my hands and the sun in my hair.
I want my bees and chickens to raise and fruit trees and bushes.
I want to teach my children from home, to home school them and teach them about reading in the shade of a tree, and math and chemistry and how to plant a tree. I want biology lessons to include identifying plants and using food coloring to show the way a plant pulls water through it.
I want giggles and happy kid noises as they play while I cook. I want to hear the door open and greet my husband with a drink and a kiss, and to hear about his day over dinner as the kids show some new thing they learned or talk about the frog we caught at lunch.
I want to have story time by the fireplace in the winter....and crockpot stew so we can go to the library or museum.
I want family snowball fights when we get snow. And family hikes and pool time. I want to have the kids piled up with us on a lazy Sunday morning and I want to lock the door and have lazy Saturday mornings with just my husband....practicing at making more kids even if we are protected against actually doing so.
And I think of all these things and I picture him coming through the door. I close my eyes and see him reaching down to hug one of the kids that has toddled up and hugged his leg as he pulls me into a hello kiss with his other hand tangling in my hair.
I see us having the occasional fight but not angry fights, but talking about something after the kids have gone to bed...and making sure that we don't go to bed angry. I see us using honesty and working on things that are important.
I see us cooking together on the weekends. Or me playing with the kids on the deck as he does the yard work....and me finding a way to distract them as I help him out of those clothes and to get a little more sweaty before he gets in the shower.
I see all of that and I ache. I ache because I worry it will never happen. I will never hear those giggles and I will never get to look up at the door from the kitchen and smile at him as he comes in from work. I won't get to see his smile spread across his face as he gets that "I'm home, this is sanctuary" feeling. I won't get to see his rumbled hair and grumpy smile as he wakes up in the morning. I won't get kisses on my forehead or his arm around me when he knows I'm feeling panicky or excited.
I'm scared that by setting my own standards so high that I'm keeping myself single. I need them to want some of the things I want. And while the above scenario would be wonderful I know I will need to adjust it for who ever I'm with. But someone who can appreciate the simpler things in life is necessary. Sigh.