hell of an update
I want to go back to Boston. Well, I more want to go back to the way things were in Boston. I was still in school, I knew where I was with K, my new job was interesting, and I was achieving good running times at the gym.
Graduation only had a couple of things that I really liked about it. My sister came in from California and I received a bunch of money (at least to my standards) My eldest brother came in the day before the “big” day and we started off a normal night for me. I spent the afternoon at G-man’s house moving stuff around. I got much more satisfaction out of doing that then most of the days I go to work for him. I ended up getting a set of Bose speakers that he wasn’t using anymore as well as a receiver. The receiver doesn’t work properly and I am too cheap to buy the speaker wires to hook the more expensive speakers up. If g-man wants em back, I will let him have them back, because I really don’t care that much. I had to get my roommate Rob to pick up Luke at the airport. When I got home, we played some pool at the club house. Then we went to our normal dinner place smokey bones. We ended up drinking a lot that night. For a while after bones we were just sitting out on my balcony drinking and Luke was smoking. Really talking more than we ever have in the past. I made the huge mistake of revealing to Luke that I was still a virgin. He then instantly turned into the “helpful” friends from the 40-year old virgin and insisted on going to a strip club. I drug my feet a bit, but I finally realized that Luke was not going to quit until we were at a strip club. He ended up calling a hotel to ask someone where those kind of clubs were around here. At about midnight, we showed up to rachaels north. The cover there was actually the same as Pat O’Briens (heh). It was an interesting experience that I can now say that I have done and probably won’t do again. The whole thing was kind of pathetic. There were just a bunch of old/ fat/ ugly guys ogling at girls that were painfully skinny. I swear I almost got my hunger pains back just from looking at them. I enjoyed myself a little, but the reality of the situation always played into the experience. Memories of the end of Requiem for a Dream crept into my head numerous times during it. After coming home, Luke an I continued to drink and sit on the balcony. He ended opening up about Brian and what was going on in his life. I valued the two conversations on the balcony more than Rachael’s or anything else that night.
The next morning Luke was hung over and I was just tired (because I was moving back and forth from beer to tea). The graduation was boring and I really only did it for my parents. My sister and her boyfriend had to stay in Clearwater during it to take care of my grandma. After graduation, we made a quick stop at chipotle and headed to Clearwater. We went to beachcomber and I really would have had just as good of a time if we went to frenchies. Ruth, Luke, Charlie, and I walked on the beach after and ended up at palm pavilion. I had one beer and then moved to diet coke, and I got shit for that. I resent the expectation of drinking . At dinner, I was the one person besides grandma that didn’t opt for alcohol. I have no extra utility of having alcohol in most situations and the amount I drank the night before really made me want to limit consumption for the rest of the weekend.
The day of the actual graduation party I was stressing a bit, because my mom had prepared for more people than were really going to show up. Almost no one showed up for the beach part. It was nice to go swimming, but we really could have done without it. Some confirmed people did not show up and I was disappointed at the low attendance. During I was wishing I almost didn’t even plan it, because I knew not that many people would show up. The kinds of thoughts enter my head where I just want to find a quiet corner of the world shrivel up and hide until people forget about me. Steve ended up calling me a week later to explain why he didn’t show, but for the rest of the no-shows I have no reasons. My parents don’t know what to get me and I am ready for them not to. Anything they get me they would have to take a loan out to get and I don’t want them to spend money they don’t have on me. I still haven’t spent any money I got that day for anything for myself. I want to get a Nintendo DS Lite when it comes out. I could get a regular one now, but I feel undeserving of anything like that right now. I am actually surprised I bought the Post Secret book. After the party Ruth, Paul, K, Rob, and I went to a pool hall. I was actually ready for the evening to be over with, but I really don’t like spending any amount of time at my parent’s place. I don’t feel comfortable anywhere in that house and the fact that I have to sleep on the couch when I am there makes me avoid that place like the plague.
Since that weekend I have gone back once for mother’s day and that couple of days weren’t really anything special. I am clueless when it comes to K and Me. Things have kind of stopped moving and I am too much of a pussy to make things move or force the issue. In Boston, we hadn’t crossed over into the area where I am uncertain, but she alluded to (imagined or not I am not sure) splitting a house and me getting a job around Boston. I want to be back in that hotel room playing drinking games, still not having to think too hard about what I am going to do for a career.
My dad has been forcing and acquaintance through Paul’s friend Will on me. He works for Raymond James in St. Pete, and can give me some advice on careers and such, but he even said that if I am not looking for something until august that it is too early right now. My dad said I could move to getting into something sooner, but I don’t want to fuck over g-man and quit on him. Things have been weird in that arena as well. g-man is resenting the fact that he has to pay someone to drive him around and he won’t come out and say it when he is around me. The whole thing is just uncomfortable and I am just waiting for the day when I am just comfortable and I feel useful in some capacity.
Yesterday in an attempt to keep some of my sanity I went to Universal. Well, I also went because I did not want to eat much and it is easier when I have to directly pay for the food. I ended up actually eating a whole lot less yesterday that would be considered healthy. In total I ate: Two Banannas, One Pretzel, A serving of sugar-free pudding, a protein drink, and a granola bar. Today I ate better, but I am still skipping dinner because I had a canoli after work. After Universal, I went to the gym and worked out until I felt like vomiting and then went home. I haven’t been able to get back up to where I was before Boston in my running and I hate that. Today was mundane and I’ll be back someday to update this thing again.
Graduation only had a couple of things that I really liked about it. My sister came in from California and I received a bunch of money (at least to my standards) My eldest brother came in the day before the “big” day and we started off a normal night for me. I spent the afternoon at G-man’s house moving stuff around. I got much more satisfaction out of doing that then most of the days I go to work for him. I ended up getting a set of Bose speakers that he wasn’t using anymore as well as a receiver. The receiver doesn’t work properly and I am too cheap to buy the speaker wires to hook the more expensive speakers up. If g-man wants em back, I will let him have them back, because I really don’t care that much. I had to get my roommate Rob to pick up Luke at the airport. When I got home, we played some pool at the club house. Then we went to our normal dinner place smokey bones. We ended up drinking a lot that night. For a while after bones we were just sitting out on my balcony drinking and Luke was smoking. Really talking more than we ever have in the past. I made the huge mistake of revealing to Luke that I was still a virgin. He then instantly turned into the “helpful” friends from the 40-year old virgin and insisted on going to a strip club. I drug my feet a bit, but I finally realized that Luke was not going to quit until we were at a strip club. He ended up calling a hotel to ask someone where those kind of clubs were around here. At about midnight, we showed up to rachaels north. The cover there was actually the same as Pat O’Briens (heh). It was an interesting experience that I can now say that I have done and probably won’t do again. The whole thing was kind of pathetic. There were just a bunch of old/ fat/ ugly guys ogling at girls that were painfully skinny. I swear I almost got my hunger pains back just from looking at them. I enjoyed myself a little, but the reality of the situation always played into the experience. Memories of the end of Requiem for a Dream crept into my head numerous times during it. After coming home, Luke an I continued to drink and sit on the balcony. He ended opening up about Brian and what was going on in his life. I valued the two conversations on the balcony more than Rachael’s or anything else that night.
The next morning Luke was hung over and I was just tired (because I was moving back and forth from beer to tea). The graduation was boring and I really only did it for my parents. My sister and her boyfriend had to stay in Clearwater during it to take care of my grandma. After graduation, we made a quick stop at chipotle and headed to Clearwater. We went to beachcomber and I really would have had just as good of a time if we went to frenchies. Ruth, Luke, Charlie, and I walked on the beach after and ended up at palm pavilion. I had one beer and then moved to diet coke, and I got shit for that. I resent the expectation of drinking . At dinner, I was the one person besides grandma that didn’t opt for alcohol. I have no extra utility of having alcohol in most situations and the amount I drank the night before really made me want to limit consumption for the rest of the weekend.
The day of the actual graduation party I was stressing a bit, because my mom had prepared for more people than were really going to show up. Almost no one showed up for the beach part. It was nice to go swimming, but we really could have done without it. Some confirmed people did not show up and I was disappointed at the low attendance. During I was wishing I almost didn’t even plan it, because I knew not that many people would show up. The kinds of thoughts enter my head where I just want to find a quiet corner of the world shrivel up and hide until people forget about me. Steve ended up calling me a week later to explain why he didn’t show, but for the rest of the no-shows I have no reasons. My parents don’t know what to get me and I am ready for them not to. Anything they get me they would have to take a loan out to get and I don’t want them to spend money they don’t have on me. I still haven’t spent any money I got that day for anything for myself. I want to get a Nintendo DS Lite when it comes out. I could get a regular one now, but I feel undeserving of anything like that right now. I am actually surprised I bought the Post Secret book. After the party Ruth, Paul, K, Rob, and I went to a pool hall. I was actually ready for the evening to be over with, but I really don’t like spending any amount of time at my parent’s place. I don’t feel comfortable anywhere in that house and the fact that I have to sleep on the couch when I am there makes me avoid that place like the plague.
Since that weekend I have gone back once for mother’s day and that couple of days weren’t really anything special. I am clueless when it comes to K and Me. Things have kind of stopped moving and I am too much of a pussy to make things move or force the issue. In Boston, we hadn’t crossed over into the area where I am uncertain, but she alluded to (imagined or not I am not sure) splitting a house and me getting a job around Boston. I want to be back in that hotel room playing drinking games, still not having to think too hard about what I am going to do for a career.
My dad has been forcing and acquaintance through Paul’s friend Will on me. He works for Raymond James in St. Pete, and can give me some advice on careers and such, but he even said that if I am not looking for something until august that it is too early right now. My dad said I could move to getting into something sooner, but I don’t want to fuck over g-man and quit on him. Things have been weird in that arena as well. g-man is resenting the fact that he has to pay someone to drive him around and he won’t come out and say it when he is around me. The whole thing is just uncomfortable and I am just waiting for the day when I am just comfortable and I feel useful in some capacity.
Yesterday in an attempt to keep some of my sanity I went to Universal. Well, I also went because I did not want to eat much and it is easier when I have to directly pay for the food. I ended up actually eating a whole lot less yesterday that would be considered healthy. In total I ate: Two Banannas, One Pretzel, A serving of sugar-free pudding, a protein drink, and a granola bar. Today I ate better, but I am still skipping dinner because I had a canoli after work. After Universal, I went to the gym and worked out until I felt like vomiting and then went home. I haven’t been able to get back up to where I was before Boston in my running and I hate that. Today was mundane and I’ll be back someday to update this thing again.