[ 六 ]
I really want my friends right now. It's strange, I guess, I mean - I do have friends here, and people I'd like to consider friends, but of course, it'll never be the same. Not even for Riku and Kairi. It kind of hurts, worse than if they weren't here at all, because they're so close to being my Riku and Kairi but at the same time...
I hate being useless. I try not to hate, because I've seen so many people completely swallowed up by it to the point where they forget love exists, and I really don't want to turn out like them at all, but sometimes I can't help it. I hate being useless, and I hate not knowing what to do, and I hate that there are situations where it's not going to be my fault. I want it to be my fault, because then I'll have something to learn from and improve for next time, but no, in these cases it's beyond my control and bad things just happen. It's funny how I can say that and still feel guilty.
I've sort of always known that I needed certain people around me, but I guess I never knew how much. I've always been the one to step into leader mode, being the one my friends depend on when they're about to fall and I try my best and usually I can catch them and everything turns out okay again. But there was that one time, when I was about to fall, and I'd almost given up but then Kairi was there to pull me out of it, and then Riku was there to make sure I'd never fall again. And since then I haven't.
Maybe I just need to start over. It won't be possible for me to just forget about them.
For now, though, I'm not the only one missing someone important to me. I'll try my best to be a replacement - it'll never be the same and I know that as well as anyone, but we can pretend. Because I do care, more than I wish I did and at the same time just as much as I want to.
Okay, so. Uh. I need someonething else to keep myself busy with. I've been trying, but... after building five different models of ships made out of strawberries and gummy bears, a miniature Konoha out of ice cream and various syrups, and a giant chocolate pizza I really can't eat by myself (it's sitting on the counter for any of you who want it), I'm pretty much at a loss.
And to top it all off, the comfort of this weekend's probably catching up on me. This is really not... good.
But hey! At least we haven't had to play Spin the Bottle while this thing's been going on, right? 'Cause that would probably be a lot lot worse.