you fill this empty space

[keyhun]

rating: light r
pairing: yoochun/changmin
genre: ?? slife of life?? fluff+angst??
length: ~4700 wc
warning: mention of anxiety
summary: changmin the intern meets lonely office worker yoochun and helps him remember what happiness feels like



Yoochun sits back on the bed and looks out the window and watches the sunset. Or, he doesn’t really, because the other half of his building blocks his view of the actual sun, so instead he just watches the sky dim over a period of several hours. It starts to rain lightly between one shade of blue and the next. The lampposts between his building and the neighboring one light up as night falls and he sees raindrops collect on his window. He wishes this wasn’t how he was spending his Friday night, but maybe it’s not so bad. Except that it kind of is, and as much as Yoochun loves raindrops and sunsets and nighttime, he wishes he weren’t so alone.

Yoochun thinks he’s probably one of the only people who doesn’t look forward to weekends. Maybe he would if he ever had plans. Had friends to go out with and do dumb shit with. But for some reason, he just doesn’t. Everyone got caught up, including Yoochun himself, and now no one really bothers to text someone and say hey, what’s up? Wanna go eat together and maybe drink ourselves stupid? It’s partially Yoochun’s fault too. Every time he wants to text someone he knows but hasn’t really spoken to in a while something like fear grips his heart and he just can’t type the words out.

He shuts his phone off and watches the sky dim, and somewhere amongst the ashy blue tinged with orange sky, Yoochun thinks he can see his own loneliness.

Yoochun used to hate work just like any other boring adult would hate work but now he really, really likes work and finds himself making excuses to stay later and later and find more and more work to do. His boss tells him to go home and rest but Yoochun really can’t do that, he really can’t go home to his empty apartment again and look around and see tidiness and perfection and nothing so he tells his boss he’ll wrap up quickly and bows as the older man leaves for the night.

The new intern stumbles into the office on his first day, overdressed and obviously nervous. Yoochun’s boss forgets the intern’s name, uh sir, it’s Changmin, Shim Changmin?, and then ushers him to his desk in the corner before returning to his own office. Yoochun barely looks up, but he vaguely notices that it’s been a long, long time since someone that attractive walked into this office building.

Another weekend, spent alone. Yoochun doesn’t have it in him to cry anymore. He just sleeps. A lot. When he wakes up after thirteen hours of dreamless sleep his throat burns with thirst and he gropes around his bedside stand until he finds the bottle of water and drinks. His mouth tastes gross, but he really doesn’t want to get up to brush his teeth. Then, hesitantly, he reaches for his phone. Turns it on. And of course, Yoochun realizes with a sinking heart, there are no missed messages.

A month into his internship, the intern (Yoochun still can’t remember the attractive kid’s name for some reason), is doing quite well. He stays in his place and speaks up when an opportunity arises and plays the game perfectly to get noticed and potentially be offered a job after he graduates college. It kind of disgusts Yoochun, maybe partially because it reminds him of himself in his own college years. But then again, no intern knows everything.

Yoochun walks back from the bathroom and sees the kid staring a stack of papers, then looking at his computer, then back to the papers. He looks downright perplexed. Yoochun rolls his eyes and walks over to the intern’s desk. The kid notices as he approaches and looks up with wide eyes before straightening his posture and pretending to look busy staring at something on his computer screen.

“Need help with something, uh…”

“Changmin, sir, Shim Changmin, and um, no, it’s okay, thank you though,” Changmin sputters.

Yoochun sighs. “Changmin, if you need help, you can just ask any of us. No one expects you to know everything.”

“O-oh, well in that case, um, Yoochun-sshi, would you mind showing me…what the fuck I’m supposed to do with this pile of random ass data?”

Yoochun blinks, then bursts out laughing. He bends at the waist and grips the edge of Changmin’s desk and laughs, eyes curving into half-moons and watering a bit because yeah, Changmin is a college student all right, good posture and nice office clothes be damned.

“Let me have a look at that,” Yoochun says, and Changmin breathes just a bit easier in the stuffy office.

When Yoochun goes home that day, his apartment is still empty, but for some reason, it seems just a bit brighter.

“Yoochun, I’m heading out. You really don’t need to stay this late,” his boss says on a Friday evening.

“Oh, don’t worry sir, I’m just about done.”

The boss sighs. “And you, Jungmin, don’t stay late, I’m going to get in serious trouble if my superiors find out I’ve got a college kid staying longer than my actual employees.”

“Ah, yes, sir-”

“His name’s Changmin,” Yoochun mumbles without even looking up from his work.

“Uh, right, ok, see you workaholics on Monday.”

Changmin hides his smile.

Some weeks later, it’s still just the two of them left in the office after everyone else has left.

“Yoochun-sshi, can I ask you something?” Changmin drolls around eight in the evening.

“Hm? Sure,” Yoochun says, swiveling his chair around to face the younger man.

“Why do you work so much? Don’t you have other things to do?”

Yoochun’s defenses assemble around him in a second. He scowls. “I just like my job,” he says curtly.

Changmin senses the anger but he doesn’t want to back off, senior/junior office relationships be damned. “I never even see you speaking to the other office workers. They all seem friendly with each other, why not you?” And Changmin knows he’s being invasive, he can see the discomfort on Yoochun’s face, but he really can’t stand it. He can’t seeing a man who looks as put together and professional and as handsome as Yoochun working himself to the bone for no good reason and not speaking to anyone in his office.

“Not to be rude, but that’s not really your business, is it?” Yoochun turns back to his desk and types faster so he can finish up whatever unnecessary project he’s working on and leave. Then he feels a warm hand on his shoulder. It squeezes lightly and then moves across his upper back towards his spine and trails down.

“How long has it been since you’ve even touched another human being?” Changmin whispers, and Yoochun’s neck goes slack as he leans into the contact.

“I don’t know, I can’t remember…months…maybe a year?”

“That’s too long,” Changmin says, his mouth suddenly very close to Yoochun’s ear.

“I…uh-”

“Yoochun-sshi, would you come get dinner with me after we wrap up here?”

Yoochun swallows and thinks of the nothingness that waits for him in his apartment. He hates it, but it’s home, and it’s where he’s most comfortable. It’s what he knows. Being away from everyone, in a dark room, staring out the window.

“I don’t know if I-”

Changmin wraps his arms around Yoochuns shoulders and rests forehead against the back of Yoochun’s head. “Please? You can pick the place. Or we can just go home and order something. But let’s eat together.”

Yoochun takes a deep breath. “Okay, let’s go.”

They go to a Korean restaurant, the kind where you have to sit on the floor. Changmin orders a lot of meat, and Yoochun thinks it’s really cute the way his eyes light up when the lady brings them their food. They don’t talk too much, but they don’t eat too quickly either. When Yoochun shifts his feet legs around under the table because they’re starting to go numb, his leg brushes against Changmin’s. He starts to move it away but Changmin traps Yoochun’s leg under his own and smiles at him, mouth full of grilled beef. Yoochun doesn’t move his legs away after that.

It’s been a while since Yoochun’s had a drink with someone, but he can’t drink tonight because he still has to drive home. And besides that, he already feels a bit drunk off the feeling of sharing a meal with someone again. He pays the bill before Changmin can even pull out his wallet and his heart feels lighter than it has in a long time.

Yoochun drives them back to the office so Changmin can get his car and go home. Before he gets out, Changmin curls an arm around the crook of Yoochun’s elbow.

“Can I have your number?”

Yoochun’s heart skips a beat. “Yeah, sure, just uh, give me your phone.”

He fills out his contact information and sends himself a text message so he can save Changmin’s number. Changmin grins.

“Thanks, Yoochun-sshi. I’ll see you soon,” Changmin says, and grabs his coat in his hand and heads toward his own car.

Yoochun looks to the passenger’s seat and for some reason, it seems emptier than ever.

The weekends are so, so hard. Yoochun wakes in a cold bed with no one beside him. Most days, he thinks he’s used to it, that it’s not so bad. But other days, it’s too much. He reaches his hand out and runs it over the white sheets, the empty space, where another body should be. He doesn’t get up for another few hours.

The sun is setting again, on a Saturday evening, and Yoochun finds himself standing in front of his window, watching the light sky slowly lose its color. He presses his palm against the window, wishing, so badly, that he just had someone to talk to. He leans his forehead against the glass and is surprised when he feels a tear roll down his cheek. Sometimes, it’s just too much.

His phone buzzes.

Hello Yoochun-sshi. This is Changmin.

Yoochun blinks. It’s been a while since anyone messaged him. He wipes the tear away and types a response.

Hello Changmin, how are you?

Fine, thank you. I was wondering, are you busy right now?

Uh, no, not really.

Then, do you want to eat dinner together again?

Yoochun thinks back to the previous night. He hadn’t felt so warm in a long time. He can’t think of a reason to say no, other than why does a college kid want to hang out with me, does he just feel bad for me, does he think I’m a loser? Fuck, I’m just scared, I can’t do this-

His phone buzzes again.

Please? I really enjoyed last night, and I want to eat with you again. You can pick the place again if you want.

Yoochun feels something clump in his throat. He takes a deep breath and tries to let go of the cloud of nasty thoughts festering in the back of his mind.

Okay, sure. And no, this time you should pick.

Changmin texts back with a restaurant name and address and a see you there in an hour :D and Yoochun feels his mouth turn up into a shadow of a smile.

Yoochun finds himself pulling up to a nondescript Japanese restaurant and wonders how the hell anyone could find this place, then remembers that Changmin is an attractive young college student and has probably had a million adventures with his dumb attractive young college friends and a million stories and fond memories and suddenly Yoochun is fucking terrified and he really wants to go back home.

His phone buzzes.

Yoochun-sshi, I got us a table inside!

He sighs and goes into the restaurant.

The ambience of the place is lovely. It’s fairly busy with customers and waiters and waitresses walking around taking and delivering orders. The decoration is subtle but appropriate and the booths are snug. The cute waitress brings them two steaming bowls of ramen and Changmin digs in.

“Fuck, it’s hot!”

Yoochun laughs out loud. “You idiot, did you not see the steam?”

Changmin sticks his tongue out and fans himself and drinks water. Then he another bite. His eyes sting but it tastes too good to slow down.

Yoochun hasn’t had much of an appetite in months, but watching Changmin eat his ramen like it’s the first time he’s had warm food in forever makes Yoochun’s bowl look just a bit more delicious. He picks at the noodles for a few minutes. Changmin doesn’t comment. Then Yoochun takes a first bite and suddenly his stomach remembers that Yoochun hasn’t eaten anything all day and it grumbles loud and long. Yoochun slurps up the first bite and it tastes amazing, better than anything he’s had in a long time. He picks up the bowl in one hand and starts shoveling the food into his mouth. Changmin smiles and orders a second serving for the both of them.

They head back to their cars and Changmin catches Yoochun’s arm.

“Yoochun-sshi, I want to ask you something, but I don’t know if it’s okay.”

“Uh, go ahead.”

“Can I come over?”

Yoochun can’t think of a reason to say no.

They end up sprawled across the floor, empty bottles of soju scattered everywhere. Changmin whimpers and rolls around, trying to get his head to clear up. Yoochun watches with amusement.

“You,” Changmin hiccups, “how are you not drunk?”

Yoochun rolls his eyes. “I’ve had soju before, I don’t just drink beer like you and your college friends.”

Changmin whines again. “I can’t drive home like this, I’ll fucking die.”

“Uh, you can spend the night here if you want. I’m not drunk but I don’t think I can drive you home either.”

Changmin starts stripping. “Lead me to the bed please,” he mumbles, reaching his hand out towards no one.

“There’s only one, though,” Yoochun mutters, before dragging Changmin along the floor toward his bedroom.

“Seriously? Can’t you just get up to get on the bed?”

Changmin holds his arms out. “Nope.”

Yoochun groans and summons all his strength to push the boy up onto the mattress. He’s sweating by the time he’s accomplished his goal.

“What the fuck are you made of that you’re so skinny and so heavy?”

Changmin smirks into the pillow. “Muscle,” he says, and turns onto his back, and oh, that gets Yoochun’s attention. They boy has a six-pack. And nice arms too.

He starts to leave to go sleep on the couch but Changmin tugs him back with a fist in the back of his shirt.

“Just share? It’s your bed anyways,” Changmin mutters, already half asleep.

And Yoochun wants to. He wants to sleep next to another person so badly. But this is hardly right. He barely knows the kid and they’ve only spent a bit of time together.

Changmin fights the sleepiness in his eyelids and opens his eyes and looks up at Yoochun like a puppy. “Please?” he all but pouts, and Yoochun melts.

“Fine,” he grumbles, but hides his smile as he changes into sleeping clothes and settles in for the night.

He wakes up with a warm, heavy arm around him, face pressed into a bare chest. It’s the warmest Yoochun has felt in a long, long time. Raw happiness aches inside him.

Changmin stirs and opens his sleepy eyes. Sees Yoochun staring back at him, eyebrows furrowed a bit with worry. Changmin chuckles.

“Morning.”

“Uh, hi,” Yoochun mumbles, because as nice as this is, it’s also kind of weird.

“Hmm.” Changmin nuzzles a bit closer. “Any plans today?”

“No, but-” but please don’t ask me to hang out again right now I need time to gather myself.

“Then, take the day to rest, it is Sunday after all. Can I come by again in the evening? Just for a bit.”

Yoochun breathes an internal sigh of relief. “Sure, sure.”

Changmin sighs, content. The warm breath tickles Yoochun’s neck. “’Kay then, see you tonight,” and he gets up, white sheets pooling at his tan waist, before murmuring one last make sure you lock the door behind me and heading out.

Yoochun takes a minute to catch his breath before he complies.

Yoochun’s not used to socializing, so two days of eating dinner with someone exhausts him. He needs his alone time. He showers and drinks coffee. Plays around on his computer for a bit. Doesn’t eat much. He goes back to his bed. For once, the sheets aren’t made. Hesitantly, he lies down. Runs his hand over the space where Changmin was. Impossibly, it’s still warm.

Changmin comes over just as the sun starts to set. He’s wearing jeans and a t-shirt, a stark contrast to what he usually wears in the office. Yoochun thinks he looks even better like this.

“Will you go for a walk with me?” Changmin asks.

Yoochun’s immediate response inside his head is nonono I can’t do that I really don’t want to go outside please don’t drag me out but then Changmin looks at him with those easy brown eyes and Yoochun can’t resist. He doesn’t think going out will be so bad if it’s with Changmin. He sighs.

“Okay, sure.”

Changmin grins widely and Yoochun almost gasps because, oh, he’s kind of beautiful.

It’s easy to be with Changmin. Dusk falls over the neighborhood and it’s a bit disorienting, but relaxing all the same. Yoochun can’t really remember the last time he just…went out for a walk. He feels grateful toward Changmin for getting him outside. He wants to tell the younger man how he feels but the words die on the tip of his tongue. Instead, Yoochun just looks at him and smiles in a silent thank you. Changmin smiles back and brushes his hand against Yoochun’s briefly, and Yoochun feels his heart soar. He feels alive.

The wind makes the trees rustle and makes Changmin’s bangs flit around his eyes. Night falls faster and Yoochun realizes with a start that he’s not alone. He swallows around the emotion in his throat and tries to resist the urge to reach out and hold Changmin’s hand.

They walk along a narrow path, thick trees on either side and a thick canopy of leaves above them. An occasional streetlamp lights the way. The sun is long gone and the first insects of early summer chirp in harmony, and the only other sound that can be heard is the clicking of Changmin and Yoochun’s shoes against the pavement.

Yoochun feels his heart beat faster.

“Want to take a break?” Changmin asks, gesturing toward a bench.

“Sure.”

They sit side by side. It would be awkward except for the fact that Yoochun is suddenly too nervous to think about trivial things like awkwardness.

Then Changmin grabs his hand and twines their fingers together and rests their joined hands on his thigh like it’s the most natural thing in the world and Yoochun stifles a gasp.

Years, it’s been years since he held hands with someone.

“We already shared a bed, so this isn’t bad, is it?” Changmin asks, perfectly innocent but with a hint of worry underneath.

“No-no it’s uh, it’s nice. It’s fine.”

Changmin giggles. “Good.”

Changmin walks with Yoochun back to his building but doesn’t go up, just bids him good night and walks to his car. Yoochun finds himself watching Changmin’s back until it goes out of sight.

The next day at the office, Yoochun walks in and as soon as he meets Changmin’s eyes, he smiles. The other office workers look up and are shocked-they’ve never seen Yoochun’s smile before. Suddenly, he looks like a much friendlier guy.

Changmin becomes a frequent visitor of Yoochun’s apartment. Most of the time he lets Yoochun know he’s coming, but sometimes he drops by unannounced. Yoochun doesn’t mind. He’s happy to see Changmin, though it’s not something he can quite say yet.

On one particularly sunny Saturday afternoon, Changmin comes over, his usual bright smile even more dazzling than usual. He seems to be brimming with energy that day, something that Yoochun wishes he had.

“Yoochun-sshi, it’s a beautiful day outside today. Can I open up your windows?”

Yoochun flinches. He doesn’t really like sunlight. But he can’t seem to say no to anything Changmin wants, so he nods.

Changmin goes around the entire apartment, opening all the windows. The one in the kitchen, the two in the living area, the small one in the bathroom (Yoochun didn’t even know that one could open) and the two in the bedroom. Yoochun blinks a few times to adjust. The breeze blows around the white curtains and they billow gracefully. The sight is somewhat calming.

“Anything you want to do today?” Changmin asks.

“Nothing I can think of.”

“We should do something.”

“Like what?”

Changmin looks around. “Hmm…are you particularly attached to these…neutral-colored walls?”

Yoochun raises an eyebrow. “No, not really, why?”

“Have you ever wanted to paint your house a different color?” Changmin asks, a grin spreading on his face.

“I mean, yeah, I always wanted have blue walls, but this isn’t a house, I can’t just paint-”

“Did you ask the landlord?”

“Well, no but-”

“Then let’s ask,” Changmin says, and whisks Yoochun away without letting him protest.

Surprisingly, the landlord is much more acquiescing than Yoochun thought a landlord could ever be.

“Huh? Oh, it’s you, Park. Uh yeah, I guess it’s fine if you paint the bedroom, you’ve been here for five years and never missed a payment so I guess I can allow that. But here’s the original shade so just paint back over if you ever move out. I’ll get a fresh coat out of it anyways.”

Changmin bows. “Thank you sir.”

The landlord grunts in approval and dismissal and Changmin drags Yoochun along to go buy paint.

“Which color, Yoochun-sshi?”

Yoochun looks at the rows and rows of different shades of blues and starts to feel a bit dizzy. “How am I supposed to choose, there’s a million.”

“Pick a bunch that you like and we’ll narrow it down from there,” Changmin suggests.

A whole hour later, they walk out of the store with cans of pretty light blue paint. A calming shade. Yoochun wants to thank Changmin one time for every shade of blue in the store for not growing impatient with him.

They cover the furniture with sheets, old and tattered and disposable. Changmin pours paint into the containers and hands Yoochun a roller. “Let’s get painting,” he says, a cute, boyish grin stretching across his face. Yoochun feels his heart beat faster and takes the roller. “Okay.”

Music plays in the background as they cover the walls, leaving behind the dreary days of dulled beige.

Yoochun falls in love before he realizes what’s happening to him. One morning, he just wakes up to Changmin eating a bowl of cereal in his kitchen, looking at something on his phone. His hair is disheveled and his eyes are still kind of sleepy. Yoochun walks to him and stands there for a minute, and then Changmin is standing up and stepping closer, closer, pressing his hips into Yoochun’s and swirling his long, tan arms around Yoochun’s small waist and leaning his forehead down, pressing it against the shorter man’s and breathing his air and Yoochun smiles like he’s never smiled before. “Kiss me,” he says, and kiss him Changmin does.

“Again,” Yoochun laughs. Changmin giggles through his nose and presses closer. “You know, I really like you,” Changmin says into their kiss.

“I really like you too. Seriously, how’d you just fall into my life like this?” Yoochun murmurs, stroking Changmin’s soft brown hair.

“Fate finds a way.”

Yoochun’s never really thought much of fate or destiny, but when Changmin pulls him to the bedroom and kisses him slow, sweet, everywhere and makes love to him for the first time, Yoochun thanks whatever heavenly force brought them together. Maybe heaven is real, because only something divine could create someone like Changmin.

Changmin’s internship ends at the company and Yoochun misses his presence at work. But he doesn’t mind too much because it makes the moments at home with him all the more special. Changmin is still a full time university student so they don’t have much time to meet up during the weekdays, but Yoochun doesn’t bat an eyelash when he drags himself out of bed at noon on a Saturday to find a bright-eyed Changmin with a nose in his textbook at Yoochun’s dining table. When Changmin catches sight of the older man, his eyes turn up in Yoochun’s favorite mismatched smile and they gather each other in their arms and murmur “Hello,” before they kiss for long, sweet minutes.

“Why’d you approach me on that first day at work?” Yoochun asks, naked and curled up into Changmin’s side on the bed.

Changmin sighs and tucks Yoochun’s head under his chin and strokes lovingly down his back. “How do I describe this...” he wonders aloud.

Yoochun presses butterfly kisses to Changmin’s collarbone while he waits.

“I saw you on that first day and I couldn’t take my eyes off of you. I guess it’s what some would call love at first sight. But I knew you were sad. I selfishly wanted to be the one to help you smile again.”

“I was so alone before you.”

“And now?”

Yoochun kisses the skin of Changmin’s neck. “Now I’m not.”

Changmin laughs with happiness and cuddles Yoochun closer to his body. Their movements rustle the sheets.

“You still have a long ways to go you know. I know you don’t want to hear it but I’m going to tell you because I care. You’ll probably have to get help for your anxiety. I can’t be the only person in your life. It’s not healthy.”

Yoochun kisses up Changmin’s neck, kisses his jawline, the corner of his mouth. “I’ll do anything you ask.”

“You’re going to get better, Yoochun. I’ll be here for you every step of the way.”

It takes a long time. It takes years. But Yoochun does gets better. He goes to counseling and talks about why he’s afraid of the things he’s afraid of. The counselors ask him, “what helps?” and Changmin’s face flashes behind Yoochun’s eyelids.

Yoochun makes friends with people at work. It takes every bit of courage to approach them first and ask what they’re doing and if he can join in, but he does it because he wants to make Changmin proud of him. It takes a while for his co-workers to warm up to him, but once he buys them a few meals and they see what kind of person Yoochun really is (warm, kind, beautiful, loving, all the good things in this world), they regret not inviting him along sooner.

Changmin graduates college and has several job offers lined up. Yoochun helps him choose the best option. Changmin says he doesn’t care about the money, he wants good hours so he can spend more time with Yoochun. But Yoochun shakes his head. “We have all the time in the world,” he tells Changmin, one night in bed, hips rolling against the younger man’s. In the still of the night, when the only sounds that can be heard are their breathless pants and lust-filled moans, it really does seem that way.

One day, years after Yoochun met Changmin, Yoochun wakes up, back pressed against his lover’s chest, and he’s not afraid anymore. He has a home, friends, a cat, a career, and he has Changmin.

“Good morning,” Yoochun mumbles into his skin.

“Morning,” Changmin grins.

“This is random, but, thanks for staying by my side all these years. Who knows what would have happened if you hadn’t spoken to me first.”

Changmin’s lips stretch out in the most heartbreakingly beautiful smile and he swings his legs around Yoochun’s waist and presses Yoochun down into the mattress. “I love you,” he says, and he kisses Yoochun through the entire sunrise.

Yoochun can still see the sky change color as it sets from his bedroom window. Occasionally, he watches it. The bright blue begins to fade and hues of orange and pink and purple tinge it vaguely. The only difference now is that when he sees the sky fading, Yoochun doesn’t feel lonely. Not with Changmin’s hand wrapped firmly around his.

a/n: i've been working on this for a while and i really just wanted to finish it now that my exams are over! i reeeeeally hope you like this because i put a lot of time into it. please do leave a comment if you like! ugh, i'm never going to get over yoomin. they're such a perfect otp TT oh, and title is taken from the song "be the light" by rookie girl group the ark. they are seriously one of the most impressive rookies i've ever seen. check out the mv if you haven't already, you'll cry lol

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