goodbye, again (and again, i love you)
rating: nc-17
pairing: yunho/jaejoong
genre: pwp (kind of), fluff, angst
length: ~4300 wc
summary: jaejoong is leaving for the army, and yunho just has to see him before he goes.
Jaejoong leans on the balcony railing of his hotel room and watches the busy, vibrant streets of Tokyo glitter late into the night. He lights a cigarette and takes a long drag. It’s been a while since he had one, he’d been so busy with filming and last-minute business to wrap up before he was to leave. But now that he has a moment of peace, he circles his lips around the cigarette and sucks, and he thinks about how he’s leaving in a few days. And he’s scared.
He’s scared his fans won’t be there when he gets back. He’s afraid that he’ll return in two years and no one will remember his name, that no one will remember where he began and that the only proof of his precious past will be the ink etched across his back. He knows it’s an irrational fear, he knows that years of images and videos and songs scattered across the internet and over the world will be there forever, but he’s afraid of fading. He recalls the memories of the days spent on stage, with others, or by himself, and the deafening roars of a red ocean burn under his skin as he listens to their echoes inside his head, and he can only hope that he left such a feverish impression on them, too. A kind of memory that won’t fade, one that will ache perpetually, but dully, until it is re-ignited when he comes back, and then it will burn bright and feverish all over again. He shivers as the wind blows right through him, as if he’s not even there, then stamps out the stub of the cigarette under the heel of his boot and drags himself inside to face another night of restlessness.
It’s the night of the fanmeeting in Japan, his last one before he leaves for the army in just a few days. He’s hyperaware of the fact that Yunho has his own fanmeeting not one hour’s travel away, but they haven’t spoken to one another in a few months, and Jaejoong doesn’t have time to think about it as he’s being whisked away to the venue to prepare and rehearse.
He’s getting his makeup done backstage, the stylist muttering something about these dark circles under your eyes are like black holes, how am I supposed to cover them up without caking your face, and he’s reading over the song list once more, but he can’t quite focus because he’s starting to feel just a little bit sick about the fact that this is the last one, the last one, for two years I won’t see them. I won’t see him. His hands shake and the paper in his hand rattles, so he sets it down and pulls out his phone instead.
There’s a message from a number he doesn’t recognize or have in his contacts, but knowing the frequent number changes celebrities must endure, he opens it anyways.
Let’s meet tonight. Just by the Rainbow Bridge. I’ll be there at 1 am.
And Jaejoong knows who it is. He knows because he knows Yunho, he knows everything there is to know about him and he knows that Yunho realizes this is the last time, the last chance they have to see each other before he leaves. And he knows that as much as Yunho must be feeling torn, conflicted, over whether or not he should have suggested their meeting, underneath everything, beyond the years of desperate break-ups and even more desperate make-ups, he loves him, and he will miss Jaejoong, and he has to see him once more, just once more.
Jaejoong breathes just a bit easier, because he needs this, too.
“I know I said at my birthday party that would be the last time, but I really just wanted to see you all one more time!” Jaejoong says into the mic, smiling out at the audience.
They giggle and scream and clap for him. They hold up signs that say “We’ll be waiting,” and “We love you!” and Jaejoong feels his heart clench with an indescribable mix of emotion.
“I know, I know, I’m just making it harder for myself to leave. But I’m leaving, in just a few days I’ll be gone.”
He knows his fans are waiting for him to say And then I’ll be back soon, they’re waiting with baited breath, but he isn’t Yoochun. He isn’t calm and collected and certain about his future. He isn’t unafraid of losing fans or popularity.
He feels his phone buzz in his pocket. Without thinking about where he is, he checks the message.
Don’t be afraid. I’ll be there. Just come meet me.
Jaejoong stuffs his phone back into his pocket. He feels a wave of warmth, and it reminds him of the courage he forgot he possessed.
“Sorry about that!” he laughs. “I’m leaving, but two years will pass so quickly. I’ll be back soon, so don’t cheat on me with other men!” he jokes, earning heartwarming laughter from the people who have loved him unconditionally for years, and will continue to for many years to come.
He leaves his hotel room at half past midnight, his manager already snoring in the next room over. He feels his pocket to make sure the car keys he managed to snatch from his room while he was showering were still there and heads to the parking garage.
His thoughts race faster than the car itself as he drives to the Rainbow Bridge. He always misses Yunho when they’re not together, and he knows the feeling is mutual. But there’s always been too many things keeping them separated, and it’s harder to be together than it is to be apart sometimes. Even so, that doesn’t mean that Jaejoong won’t always wish, and hope, and maybe even pray, that someday, things will get easier for them.
He arrives at their meeting spot and Yunho is already there, facing the river, his back to Jaejoong. Jaejoong walks up behind him and reaches a shaking hand out to join his fingers with Yunho’s. Yunho grips it tight, wordlessly, and brings their hands to his mouth to press a long kiss to the back of Jaejoong’s hand. His lips are soft on his skin, and Jaejoong sighs at the feeling.
“Jaejoong, I…” Yunho can’t quite find the words. Jaejoong wonders if right now, it’s Yunho who’s more afraid than anyone.
“It’s okay, Yunho, it’s okay. We don’t have to speak too much tonight. Just…” Jaejoong swallows around the nerves in his throat.
“Just what?” Yunho asks, and his voice is trembling.
Jaejoong takes a deep breath. “There’s nothing much to say. Just kiss me,” he whispers.
Yunho turns to face him, and his eyes are as tortured as the day Jaejoong told him he was leaving the first time. But he closes in, and he kisses him, and Jaejoong can taste the tears.
“I’m not leaving forever,” Jaejoong gasps into his mouth, forcing the words down his throat.
But Yunho just kisses harder, flicking out his tongue to taste between Jaejoong’s lips, and he parts them willingly.
“I don’t want you to go,” he cries, “I’ve been such an idiot,” Yunho breaks away from Jaejoong’s lips to work at his neck, and Jaejoong throws his head back, latching his arms around Yunho’s shoulders, pulling him close. “I let these little things keep us apart. For months, for years, and now you’re leaving, and I won’t get to kiss you, I won’t be able to love you for two years.”
Jaejoong clenches one hand in the fabric of Yunho’s coat and the other in the strands of his hair. He holds on for dear life.
“It’s not your fault,” he breathes, voice coming back to life as Yunho tugs at the collar of Jaejoong’s shirt to nip at the base of his neck.
“Jaejoong, oh Jaejoong, I’m sorry, I’m sorry I didn’t love you more,” Yunho whispers into his skin, and Jaejoong can almost feel the sincerity in his words; it sinks into his skin, and it leaves marks on his heart.
Jaejoong steels himself and gently pushes Yunho away, just enough to be able to look up into his eyes. “Let’s not say those things right now,” he murmurs, “let’s not blame ourselves for things that happened. We can’t change them.”
Yunho nods and pulls back, holding onto one hand.
“I’m staying in the apartment here,” Yunho says, “do you want to come back with me tonight?”
Jaejoong knows he should say no, it wouldn’t make any sense for him to say yes, he knows they shouldn’t but yet here they are, holding hands at their dream date spot under a twinkling night sky and Jaejoong doesn’t have it in him to say no.
“Yeah, let’s go,” he says, excitement curling in the pit of his stomach and something like happiness tugging up the corner of his lips.
Yunho leads him into the apartment and Jaejoong fights to keep the memories he has of this place from flooding back and sending him into a knee-buckling, tear-inducing fit of heartbreaking nostalgia. He moves around the space carefully, noting how everything once set up for five now only caters to two. He stops at the window and stares out, trying not to let the regret swallow him whole.
Strong, warm arms wrap around his waist as Yunho presses his chest into Jaejoong’s back and his lips find his neck. Jaejoong sighs and leans back into him, relishing in the warmth. A soft moan slides past his lips.
“Yunho, maybe it’s better if we don’t, it’ll only make it harder to…” Jaejoong trails off as Yunho’s kisses on his neck get wetter and his hands slowly moving up to trail across his stomach and sides.
“I know,” he whispers, “I know it’ll make it harder for us. But I’m selfish, and I want to love you as much as I can tonight. For once, I want to let go and not be the responsible one.”
“You’re so terrible,” Jaejoong gasps, “you keep breaking up with me because you’re afraid of your perfect image being ruined, but then you just -”
“I crawl back to you,” Yunho growls, deep in his chest, “because it’s always a mistake, leaving you.” He unbuttons the top button of Jaejoong’s shirt. The second. He slides his hand over Jaejoong’s chest. “I am sorry,” he kisses the curve of his shoulder, “for the scars I left on your heart.”
Jaejoong closes his eyes as Yunho works open the rest of the buttons on his shirt. “What if I come back and you’re married to some woman? What if I come back and you have a child?”
Yunho pulls the unbuttoned shirt off of Jaejoong carefully and kisses the tattoo on his upper back. The words under his lips feel like home. “Don’t be silly, love. I’m joining you in a few months. You’ll be back before I get out, and you can welcome me with open arms.”
Jaejoong laughs sadly. Since when did Yunho get so good at denying reality? He’d get married someday, they all would, except maybe Jaejoong himself. He’d be alone forever, because everyone seemed to be able to move on from the past except him.
“I can’t ever stop loving you, Yunho.” he breathes, as he feels him press kisses down the tattooed words on his spine. His knees are going weak. “I feel like you’ll move on one day, some days I feel like you already have, and you’ll get married and have your own children and you’ll forget me completely. And I’ll be the only one left with all of our memories, burdened to carry them forever, and I’ll just keep writing sad songs about you, begging for your attention until the day I die.”
Yunho turns him around and pulls him close. “Come to bed with me, Jaejoong. Let me show you how truly impossible it is for me to forget.”
Yunho presses him firmly into the luscious sheets, looking down at him tenderly, eyes burning with love. He brushes the hair out of Jaejoong’s face, threads it back and leans down to kiss him, lips moving alone his more lush ones with ease, remembering the pressure it takes to get Jaejoong to part his lips. He kisses him over and over again until Jaejoong gasps and his lips part and Yunho smiles down at him again before licking into his wet heat. He tastes as beautiful as ever, and Yunho can’t help but slide his tongue along Jaejoong’s, over the roof of his mouth, pulling his upper lip between his own two and sucking. He kisses him with everything he has and soon enough Jaejoong is unraveling beneath him, hands clutching at his back and slowly trailing downwards to squeeze Yunho’s hips.
“I can feel your heart beating,” Yunho says into a kiss, pressing their chests together.
Jaejoong laughs, a beautiful, loving laugh that Yunho hasn’t heard in months, maybe years. “It only does this for you,” he admits, a gorgeous blush gracing his cheeks.
“I don’t deserve you,” Yunho groans, separating their chests to move down and attach his lips to it instead.
Jaejoong hums as Yunho’s mouth works over his heart, as if trying to claim what was already his for years. His fingers curl in Yunho’s hair and he rolls his hips up once, twice, enjoying the feeling of the sturdy warmth over him. “Yunho-yah,” he breathes, and the sound of his airy voice, sultry with lust and more beautiful than any music spurs Yunho on and he closes his lips around a pink nipple.
“Oh, Yunho, please,” Jaejoong whines, his upper back arching slightly into the heat. He forgets everything, all the complications of their love and their messy, messy lives and just feels Yunho around him, feels himself unravel as Yunho presses the pads of his fingers into Jaejoong’s jutting hips. He feels lips and tongue mouth at the tattoo on his chest, and he’s so glad he got it because at least that could come with him to the army, and he could look at it and remember how it felt when Yunho murmured, “I never lost faith in us,” and left marks all around it.
Jaejoong wonders if that’s a lie, because otherwise why would Yunho break things off time and time again?
“What I mean is,” and Yunho breaks away from kissing the skin over his heart long enough to look down into Jaejoong’s eyes, to stare into them and search for his own soul inside them, “I never doubted, not for a second, since the first time we kissed, that we were made to love each other. Even if life gets in the way, even if everything gets in the way of us being together, I still love you. And you still love me.”
Jaejoong reaches up to touch Yunho’s face. He lets his fingers trail down his cheeks slowly. He grips Yunho’s chin and pulls him down for a soft kiss. “You’re right about that. I’ll always love you. Even if you move on one day, or decide that you have to forget me.”
Yunho swallows around the sadness in his throat. “That day might come. It might come sooner than either of us are prepared for it,” he chokes out, burying his face in Jaejoong’s neck, holding him as close as he can. Jaejoong wraps his arms and legs around the body on top of him and holds tight.
“I don’t want to give you up, Yunho. I just want you to be mine.”
Yunho crushes their bodies closer, the sweat between them making their bodies feel like they’re molded together.
“Tonight, I am yours.”
And then Jaejoong watches as Yunho works him open slowly, one finger at a time, pressing past the ring of muscle tightened from months of no sex because for some reason, this time, Jaejoong couldn’t find it in him to sleep around as a coping mechanism of being apart from the person he really wanted to be with. He curls his fingers into the sheets and arches his back when Yunho easily finds that bundle of nerves and brushes the pads of his fingers against it over and over again, drawing sinful expressions and noises from the angel spreading his legs wide open before him.
Yunho kisses the inside of Jaejoong’s thighs as he scissors his two fingers inside Jaejoong’s tight heat, causing him to quiver all over and breath heavily, soft moans escaping his lips every few seconds. It drives Yunho crazy, makes him want to take Jaejoong right at that moment like he used to do back when things were less complicated and their possessiveness over each other was at its peak. But he doesn’t want to hurt Jaejoong, not more than he already has, so he works his mouth over the flesh of Jaejoong’s trembling thighs, worships them with his mouth, and stretches Jaejoong as much as he can. Then he adds a third finger and Jaejoong cries out. Yunho pushes in slow, flexing his fingers around and doing as much as he can against Jaejoong’s prostate so the pleasure overtakes the pain, and soon Jaejoong is pushing back down against the fingers. Yunho smiles and pulls away from the pale thighs now blooming with red marks like rose petals floating on cream and moves to capture Jaejoongs lips in his own. He stretches Jaejoong as much as he can because he knows from the tightness just how much it will hurt when he pushes himself in, and he wants to let Jaejoong adjust. Jaejoong kisses him frantically and he doesn’t ask, doesn’t beg Yunho to hurry up and fuck him but Yunho can feel it in the way Jaejoong’s nails rake down his back when he brushes and pushes against his prostate with his nails and fingers and in the way Jaejoong tugs on his hair and brushes a thumb over Yunho’s nipple just how bad he wants it.
“Yunho, Yunho,” he chants into their joined mouths, “it feels good, it feels really good.”
Yunho licks along the lush lips, wanting to leave them red and swollen. He had almost forgotten how much he enjoyed marking Jaejoong, how much they both loved when the other got possessive.
When Yunho finally pulls away from the kiss Jaejoong is panting hard and his eyes are glistening with need. His eyebrows pull together in a silent please and Yunho licks across his swollen lips once more before pouring lubricant over his length and positioning himself at Jaejoong’s twitching pink entrance.
He pushes in and it burns, it splits Jaejoong into two parts, but he’s always been a bit of a masochist and he loves the way he can feel it tear him to pieces. Yunho keeps his body lowered, hovering over Jaejoong’s and Jaejoong takes the opportunity to dig his nails into the hot skin of Yunho’s back. And Yunho has always been a bit of a sadist so he doesn’t push in too slowly, instead he goes in steadily and swiftly until he’s buried to the hilt and Jaejoong’s nails are cutting into his back. He sits there for a second, marveling in the amazing heat clenching around his erection, embracing it, cradling it in Jaejoong’s warm walls. Then he begins thrusting.
“Ah, Yunho,” Jaejoong cries, the full feeling of Yunho inside him driving him mad with pleasure. He wants to beg for more but he bites his lip and screws his eyes shut instead.
“Jaejoong, it’s ok, I want to hear you, I really do,” Yunho murmurs against his jaw.
“Fuck, Yunho, harder, please, I need to feel you more, harder,” and Jaejoong doesn’t care that he sounds like a filthy slut because this is all he’s wanted for months, this is all he’s ever wanted since they first fell in love.
“Baby,” Yunho coos, and he angles his hips and slams into Jaejoong’s prostate, finding a maddeningly fast pace that has Jaejoong’s eyes rolling back and has him moaning like a virgin.
“Keep going Yunho, don’t stop, oh god,” the words tumble off of Jaejoong’s kiss-swollen lips almost incoherently, but Yunho understands them because he’s heard them so many times before, and each time they send an electric current down Yunho’s spine and a wave of pleasure through his stomach. Even during sex, he gets butterflies.
“You - are - so - beautiful,” Yunho says fervently, pressing the words into the skin of Jaejoong’s neck, jaw, and chest.
Jaejoong cries out uncontrollably as Yunho keeps his balance over him with one arm and reaches the other between them to thumb the slit of Jaejoong’s erection.
“Oh, fuck, Yunho,” he moans. Yunho presses his thumb harder against the tip until Jaejoong’s back is arching and he’s finally begging, “please, please just touch me.”
Yunho sweeps his hand up and down his length and thrusts in time with his strokes. He feels Jaejoong’s whole body quiver for minutes, building up to prepare for his release and then Yunho tightens his grip on Jaejoong’s cock and rubs it all over and thrusts into his prostate dead-on and suddenly Jaejoong opens his mouth in a silent scream as his release comes out in white strands, coating Yunho’s hand and his stomach. His walls clench down hard around Yunho and it pulls Yunho’s orgasm out, and it fills Jaejoong so completely that for a second Jaejoong feels like his walls will explode. Yunho doesn’t pull out for several minutes and instead licks the cum off his hand and then kisses Jaejoong as they ride out their orgasms, coming down from the high. Jaejoong tastes himself on Yunho, and it’s been so long he almost forgot how sensual the feeling of tasting his own cum on Yunho’s tongue and lips was. He still feels like his ass is so full that he can’t move, but he doesn’t untangle his legs from around Yunho’s waist because he likes it, he likes feeling like Yunho will tear him apart.
“Baby, I should pull out,” Yunho chuckles into their kiss.
Jaejoong pouts and lets his legs fall back onto the bed, and whines at the loss of warmth when Yunho pulls out, but then sighs again as Yunho bends down to lick the drops of cum leaking out of his hole.
“Let me taste you,” Jaejoong pleads, and Yunho is more than happy to oblige.
Jaejoong thinks Yunho tastes sweeter than he does, which makes sense because Yunho is a nicer and more beautiful man than he’ll ever be.
“Oh Yunho, I love you,” he sighs, drinking in his taste, his warmth, the feeling of his arms wrapped around his tiny waist.
They fall asleep after three more rounds and after whispering I love you’s and I’ll never forget you’s into each other’s skin, wrapped in each other’s arms. Jaejoong says their names in his sleep, Changmin, Yoochun, Junsu, and he says Yunho’s name too, but it’s different. Yunho-yah, my Yunho, oh Yunho, he says, and Yunho holds him through the night. Their hearts wish for nothing more than for the night to last forever, but as much as the moon longs to shine its soft silver light over the lover’s bed forever, it gives way to the sun as it peeks over the horizon, gently waking the world and calling all the wild dreamers back to reality.
They stir into consciousness and are met with each other’s sleepy and loving gazes, and for those few precious moments when one has just woken and reality doesn’t exist yet, it is so easy to smile and kiss each other slowly, the soft sounds of lips connecting and disconnecting and sliding together filling the room as sunlight slowly filters in. Laughter finds its way into their kisses and for those few moments, they remember what happiness feels like.
And as quick as it began, it ends. And it’s the last day they have together before Jaejoong leaves. There are a million messages on Jaejoong’s phone, most likely his manager asking where the hell are you, you have a flight to catch, you’re seriously going to give me a heart attack.
It’s time to say goodbye.
“I won’t see you again until I’m out of the military,” Yunho says. “I won’t visit. It will only make things harder on both of us.”
Jaejoong nods. He understands, and somewhere deep down he agrees, but it still hurts like a knife in his chest.
“You learned how to be strong without me. You can do this,” Yunho says with a sad but sincere smile, and Jaejoong believes him.
“Sometimes I wish I could just be weak. What’s so good about being strong,” Jaejoong mutters, but he knows that the strength he gained over the years was the only good thing about being apart.
Yunho chuckles darkly. "Maybe I was never any good for you. You were weak when we were together. Surely being stronger is better."
Jaejoong almost yells at him. "No. I'd rather be weak if I could be with you. Don't you want to give me what I want?"
Yunho looks sad. "Of course I do. It's all I want. But I don't think I can always do that."
Jaejoong sighs. "I know. I know. I have to grow up and be strong on my own, too."
Yunho nods. “Serve well, Jaejoong. Be safe.”
“I’ll keep the faith in us while I’m gone. You don’t let go either, okay?”
Yunho smiles. “Of course.”
Jaejoong takes a deep breath. “Okay then. I’ll see you in two years, Yunho. I won’t forget a moment.”
Memories, some slow and sweet and others white-hot and blinding, burn across the back of his eyelids when he closes his eyes.
Goodbye my lover, I will see you soon.
a/n: jaejoong ;~; is leaving ;~; at the end of this month ;~; i will miss him so much;; i had been wanting to write this ever since the year began because news about him enlisting had been coming out rapidly since then and then i read that yunho and jaejoong are both having fanmeetings on march 24 in japan and they'll be less than an hour apart from each other and also march 24 is when the sakura trees are predicted to blossom in tokyo and the rainbow bridge is going to be between them and they've both said it's their ideal date spot in japan and oh my god lmfao i just have way too many yunjae feels. way too many. anyways, i really hoped you liked this and please leave comments if you did~
be my friend! twitter | k-pop tumblr | ask.fm
pairing: yunho/jaejoong
genre: pwp (kind of), fluff, angst
length: ~4300 wc
summary: jaejoong is leaving for the army, and yunho just has to see him before he goes.
Jaejoong leans on the balcony railing of his hotel room and watches the busy, vibrant streets of Tokyo glitter late into the night. He lights a cigarette and takes a long drag. It’s been a while since he had one, he’d been so busy with filming and last-minute business to wrap up before he was to leave. But now that he has a moment of peace, he circles his lips around the cigarette and sucks, and he thinks about how he’s leaving in a few days. And he’s scared.
He’s scared his fans won’t be there when he gets back. He’s afraid that he’ll return in two years and no one will remember his name, that no one will remember where he began and that the only proof of his precious past will be the ink etched across his back. He knows it’s an irrational fear, he knows that years of images and videos and songs scattered across the internet and over the world will be there forever, but he’s afraid of fading. He recalls the memories of the days spent on stage, with others, or by himself, and the deafening roars of a red ocean burn under his skin as he listens to their echoes inside his head, and he can only hope that he left such a feverish impression on them, too. A kind of memory that won’t fade, one that will ache perpetually, but dully, until it is re-ignited when he comes back, and then it will burn bright and feverish all over again. He shivers as the wind blows right through him, as if he’s not even there, then stamps out the stub of the cigarette under the heel of his boot and drags himself inside to face another night of restlessness.
It’s the night of the fanmeeting in Japan, his last one before he leaves for the army in just a few days. He’s hyperaware of the fact that Yunho has his own fanmeeting not one hour’s travel away, but they haven’t spoken to one another in a few months, and Jaejoong doesn’t have time to think about it as he’s being whisked away to the venue to prepare and rehearse.
He’s getting his makeup done backstage, the stylist muttering something about these dark circles under your eyes are like black holes, how am I supposed to cover them up without caking your face, and he’s reading over the song list once more, but he can’t quite focus because he’s starting to feel just a little bit sick about the fact that this is the last one, the last one, for two years I won’t see them. I won’t see him. His hands shake and the paper in his hand rattles, so he sets it down and pulls out his phone instead.
There’s a message from a number he doesn’t recognize or have in his contacts, but knowing the frequent number changes celebrities must endure, he opens it anyways.
Let’s meet tonight. Just by the Rainbow Bridge. I’ll be there at 1 am.
And Jaejoong knows who it is. He knows because he knows Yunho, he knows everything there is to know about him and he knows that Yunho realizes this is the last time, the last chance they have to see each other before he leaves. And he knows that as much as Yunho must be feeling torn, conflicted, over whether or not he should have suggested their meeting, underneath everything, beyond the years of desperate break-ups and even more desperate make-ups, he loves him, and he will miss Jaejoong, and he has to see him once more, just once more.
Jaejoong breathes just a bit easier, because he needs this, too.
“I know I said at my birthday party that would be the last time, but I really just wanted to see you all one more time!” Jaejoong says into the mic, smiling out at the audience.
They giggle and scream and clap for him. They hold up signs that say “We’ll be waiting,” and “We love you!” and Jaejoong feels his heart clench with an indescribable mix of emotion.
“I know, I know, I’m just making it harder for myself to leave. But I’m leaving, in just a few days I’ll be gone.”
He knows his fans are waiting for him to say And then I’ll be back soon, they’re waiting with baited breath, but he isn’t Yoochun. He isn’t calm and collected and certain about his future. He isn’t unafraid of losing fans or popularity.
He feels his phone buzz in his pocket. Without thinking about where he is, he checks the message.
Don’t be afraid. I’ll be there. Just come meet me.
Jaejoong stuffs his phone back into his pocket. He feels a wave of warmth, and it reminds him of the courage he forgot he possessed.
“Sorry about that!” he laughs. “I’m leaving, but two years will pass so quickly. I’ll be back soon, so don’t cheat on me with other men!” he jokes, earning heartwarming laughter from the people who have loved him unconditionally for years, and will continue to for many years to come.
He leaves his hotel room at half past midnight, his manager already snoring in the next room over. He feels his pocket to make sure the car keys he managed to snatch from his room while he was showering were still there and heads to the parking garage.
His thoughts race faster than the car itself as he drives to the Rainbow Bridge. He always misses Yunho when they’re not together, and he knows the feeling is mutual. But there’s always been too many things keeping them separated, and it’s harder to be together than it is to be apart sometimes. Even so, that doesn’t mean that Jaejoong won’t always wish, and hope, and maybe even pray, that someday, things will get easier for them.
He arrives at their meeting spot and Yunho is already there, facing the river, his back to Jaejoong. Jaejoong walks up behind him and reaches a shaking hand out to join his fingers with Yunho’s. Yunho grips it tight, wordlessly, and brings their hands to his mouth to press a long kiss to the back of Jaejoong’s hand. His lips are soft on his skin, and Jaejoong sighs at the feeling.
“Jaejoong, I…” Yunho can’t quite find the words. Jaejoong wonders if right now, it’s Yunho who’s more afraid than anyone.
“It’s okay, Yunho, it’s okay. We don’t have to speak too much tonight. Just…” Jaejoong swallows around the nerves in his throat.
“Just what?” Yunho asks, and his voice is trembling.
Jaejoong takes a deep breath. “There’s nothing much to say. Just kiss me,” he whispers.
Yunho turns to face him, and his eyes are as tortured as the day Jaejoong told him he was leaving the first time. But he closes in, and he kisses him, and Jaejoong can taste the tears.
“I’m not leaving forever,” Jaejoong gasps into his mouth, forcing the words down his throat.
But Yunho just kisses harder, flicking out his tongue to taste between Jaejoong’s lips, and he parts them willingly.
“I don’t want you to go,” he cries, “I’ve been such an idiot,” Yunho breaks away from Jaejoong’s lips to work at his neck, and Jaejoong throws his head back, latching his arms around Yunho’s shoulders, pulling him close. “I let these little things keep us apart. For months, for years, and now you’re leaving, and I won’t get to kiss you, I won’t be able to love you for two years.”
Jaejoong clenches one hand in the fabric of Yunho’s coat and the other in the strands of his hair. He holds on for dear life.
“It’s not your fault,” he breathes, voice coming back to life as Yunho tugs at the collar of Jaejoong’s shirt to nip at the base of his neck.
“Jaejoong, oh Jaejoong, I’m sorry, I’m sorry I didn’t love you more,” Yunho whispers into his skin, and Jaejoong can almost feel the sincerity in his words; it sinks into his skin, and it leaves marks on his heart.
Jaejoong steels himself and gently pushes Yunho away, just enough to be able to look up into his eyes. “Let’s not say those things right now,” he murmurs, “let’s not blame ourselves for things that happened. We can’t change them.”
Yunho nods and pulls back, holding onto one hand.
“I’m staying in the apartment here,” Yunho says, “do you want to come back with me tonight?”
Jaejoong knows he should say no, it wouldn’t make any sense for him to say yes, he knows they shouldn’t but yet here they are, holding hands at their dream date spot under a twinkling night sky and Jaejoong doesn’t have it in him to say no.
“Yeah, let’s go,” he says, excitement curling in the pit of his stomach and something like happiness tugging up the corner of his lips.
Yunho leads him into the apartment and Jaejoong fights to keep the memories he has of this place from flooding back and sending him into a knee-buckling, tear-inducing fit of heartbreaking nostalgia. He moves around the space carefully, noting how everything once set up for five now only caters to two. He stops at the window and stares out, trying not to let the regret swallow him whole.
Strong, warm arms wrap around his waist as Yunho presses his chest into Jaejoong’s back and his lips find his neck. Jaejoong sighs and leans back into him, relishing in the warmth. A soft moan slides past his lips.
“Yunho, maybe it’s better if we don’t, it’ll only make it harder to…” Jaejoong trails off as Yunho’s kisses on his neck get wetter and his hands slowly moving up to trail across his stomach and sides.
“I know,” he whispers, “I know it’ll make it harder for us. But I’m selfish, and I want to love you as much as I can tonight. For once, I want to let go and not be the responsible one.”
“You’re so terrible,” Jaejoong gasps, “you keep breaking up with me because you’re afraid of your perfect image being ruined, but then you just -”
“I crawl back to you,” Yunho growls, deep in his chest, “because it’s always a mistake, leaving you.” He unbuttons the top button of Jaejoong’s shirt. The second. He slides his hand over Jaejoong’s chest. “I am sorry,” he kisses the curve of his shoulder, “for the scars I left on your heart.”
Jaejoong closes his eyes as Yunho works open the rest of the buttons on his shirt. “What if I come back and you’re married to some woman? What if I come back and you have a child?”
Yunho pulls the unbuttoned shirt off of Jaejoong carefully and kisses the tattoo on his upper back. The words under his lips feel like home. “Don’t be silly, love. I’m joining you in a few months. You’ll be back before I get out, and you can welcome me with open arms.”
Jaejoong laughs sadly. Since when did Yunho get so good at denying reality? He’d get married someday, they all would, except maybe Jaejoong himself. He’d be alone forever, because everyone seemed to be able to move on from the past except him.
“I can’t ever stop loving you, Yunho.” he breathes, as he feels him press kisses down the tattooed words on his spine. His knees are going weak. “I feel like you’ll move on one day, some days I feel like you already have, and you’ll get married and have your own children and you’ll forget me completely. And I’ll be the only one left with all of our memories, burdened to carry them forever, and I’ll just keep writing sad songs about you, begging for your attention until the day I die.”
Yunho turns him around and pulls him close. “Come to bed with me, Jaejoong. Let me show you how truly impossible it is for me to forget.”
Yunho presses him firmly into the luscious sheets, looking down at him tenderly, eyes burning with love. He brushes the hair out of Jaejoong’s face, threads it back and leans down to kiss him, lips moving alone his more lush ones with ease, remembering the pressure it takes to get Jaejoong to part his lips. He kisses him over and over again until Jaejoong gasps and his lips part and Yunho smiles down at him again before licking into his wet heat. He tastes as beautiful as ever, and Yunho can’t help but slide his tongue along Jaejoong’s, over the roof of his mouth, pulling his upper lip between his own two and sucking. He kisses him with everything he has and soon enough Jaejoong is unraveling beneath him, hands clutching at his back and slowly trailing downwards to squeeze Yunho’s hips.
“I can feel your heart beating,” Yunho says into a kiss, pressing their chests together.
Jaejoong laughs, a beautiful, loving laugh that Yunho hasn’t heard in months, maybe years. “It only does this for you,” he admits, a gorgeous blush gracing his cheeks.
“I don’t deserve you,” Yunho groans, separating their chests to move down and attach his lips to it instead.
Jaejoong hums as Yunho’s mouth works over his heart, as if trying to claim what was already his for years. His fingers curl in Yunho’s hair and he rolls his hips up once, twice, enjoying the feeling of the sturdy warmth over him. “Yunho-yah,” he breathes, and the sound of his airy voice, sultry with lust and more beautiful than any music spurs Yunho on and he closes his lips around a pink nipple.
“Oh, Yunho, please,” Jaejoong whines, his upper back arching slightly into the heat. He forgets everything, all the complications of their love and their messy, messy lives and just feels Yunho around him, feels himself unravel as Yunho presses the pads of his fingers into Jaejoong’s jutting hips. He feels lips and tongue mouth at the tattoo on his chest, and he’s so glad he got it because at least that could come with him to the army, and he could look at it and remember how it felt when Yunho murmured, “I never lost faith in us,” and left marks all around it.
Jaejoong wonders if that’s a lie, because otherwise why would Yunho break things off time and time again?
“What I mean is,” and Yunho breaks away from kissing the skin over his heart long enough to look down into Jaejoong’s eyes, to stare into them and search for his own soul inside them, “I never doubted, not for a second, since the first time we kissed, that we were made to love each other. Even if life gets in the way, even if everything gets in the way of us being together, I still love you. And you still love me.”
Jaejoong reaches up to touch Yunho’s face. He lets his fingers trail down his cheeks slowly. He grips Yunho’s chin and pulls him down for a soft kiss. “You’re right about that. I’ll always love you. Even if you move on one day, or decide that you have to forget me.”
Yunho swallows around the sadness in his throat. “That day might come. It might come sooner than either of us are prepared for it,” he chokes out, burying his face in Jaejoong’s neck, holding him as close as he can. Jaejoong wraps his arms and legs around the body on top of him and holds tight.
“I don’t want to give you up, Yunho. I just want you to be mine.”
Yunho crushes their bodies closer, the sweat between them making their bodies feel like they’re molded together.
“Tonight, I am yours.”
And then Jaejoong watches as Yunho works him open slowly, one finger at a time, pressing past the ring of muscle tightened from months of no sex because for some reason, this time, Jaejoong couldn’t find it in him to sleep around as a coping mechanism of being apart from the person he really wanted to be with. He curls his fingers into the sheets and arches his back when Yunho easily finds that bundle of nerves and brushes the pads of his fingers against it over and over again, drawing sinful expressions and noises from the angel spreading his legs wide open before him.
Yunho kisses the inside of Jaejoong’s thighs as he scissors his two fingers inside Jaejoong’s tight heat, causing him to quiver all over and breath heavily, soft moans escaping his lips every few seconds. It drives Yunho crazy, makes him want to take Jaejoong right at that moment like he used to do back when things were less complicated and their possessiveness over each other was at its peak. But he doesn’t want to hurt Jaejoong, not more than he already has, so he works his mouth over the flesh of Jaejoong’s trembling thighs, worships them with his mouth, and stretches Jaejoong as much as he can. Then he adds a third finger and Jaejoong cries out. Yunho pushes in slow, flexing his fingers around and doing as much as he can against Jaejoong’s prostate so the pleasure overtakes the pain, and soon Jaejoong is pushing back down against the fingers. Yunho smiles and pulls away from the pale thighs now blooming with red marks like rose petals floating on cream and moves to capture Jaejoongs lips in his own. He stretches Jaejoong as much as he can because he knows from the tightness just how much it will hurt when he pushes himself in, and he wants to let Jaejoong adjust. Jaejoong kisses him frantically and he doesn’t ask, doesn’t beg Yunho to hurry up and fuck him but Yunho can feel it in the way Jaejoong’s nails rake down his back when he brushes and pushes against his prostate with his nails and fingers and in the way Jaejoong tugs on his hair and brushes a thumb over Yunho’s nipple just how bad he wants it.
“Yunho, Yunho,” he chants into their joined mouths, “it feels good, it feels really good.”
Yunho licks along the lush lips, wanting to leave them red and swollen. He had almost forgotten how much he enjoyed marking Jaejoong, how much they both loved when the other got possessive.
When Yunho finally pulls away from the kiss Jaejoong is panting hard and his eyes are glistening with need. His eyebrows pull together in a silent please and Yunho licks across his swollen lips once more before pouring lubricant over his length and positioning himself at Jaejoong’s twitching pink entrance.
He pushes in and it burns, it splits Jaejoong into two parts, but he’s always been a bit of a masochist and he loves the way he can feel it tear him to pieces. Yunho keeps his body lowered, hovering over Jaejoong’s and Jaejoong takes the opportunity to dig his nails into the hot skin of Yunho’s back. And Yunho has always been a bit of a sadist so he doesn’t push in too slowly, instead he goes in steadily and swiftly until he’s buried to the hilt and Jaejoong’s nails are cutting into his back. He sits there for a second, marveling in the amazing heat clenching around his erection, embracing it, cradling it in Jaejoong’s warm walls. Then he begins thrusting.
“Ah, Yunho,” Jaejoong cries, the full feeling of Yunho inside him driving him mad with pleasure. He wants to beg for more but he bites his lip and screws his eyes shut instead.
“Jaejoong, it’s ok, I want to hear you, I really do,” Yunho murmurs against his jaw.
“Fuck, Yunho, harder, please, I need to feel you more, harder,” and Jaejoong doesn’t care that he sounds like a filthy slut because this is all he’s wanted for months, this is all he’s ever wanted since they first fell in love.
“Baby,” Yunho coos, and he angles his hips and slams into Jaejoong’s prostate, finding a maddeningly fast pace that has Jaejoong’s eyes rolling back and has him moaning like a virgin.
“Keep going Yunho, don’t stop, oh god,” the words tumble off of Jaejoong’s kiss-swollen lips almost incoherently, but Yunho understands them because he’s heard them so many times before, and each time they send an electric current down Yunho’s spine and a wave of pleasure through his stomach. Even during sex, he gets butterflies.
“You - are - so - beautiful,” Yunho says fervently, pressing the words into the skin of Jaejoong’s neck, jaw, and chest.
Jaejoong cries out uncontrollably as Yunho keeps his balance over him with one arm and reaches the other between them to thumb the slit of Jaejoong’s erection.
“Oh, fuck, Yunho,” he moans. Yunho presses his thumb harder against the tip until Jaejoong’s back is arching and he’s finally begging, “please, please just touch me.”
Yunho sweeps his hand up and down his length and thrusts in time with his strokes. He feels Jaejoong’s whole body quiver for minutes, building up to prepare for his release and then Yunho tightens his grip on Jaejoong’s cock and rubs it all over and thrusts into his prostate dead-on and suddenly Jaejoong opens his mouth in a silent scream as his release comes out in white strands, coating Yunho’s hand and his stomach. His walls clench down hard around Yunho and it pulls Yunho’s orgasm out, and it fills Jaejoong so completely that for a second Jaejoong feels like his walls will explode. Yunho doesn’t pull out for several minutes and instead licks the cum off his hand and then kisses Jaejoong as they ride out their orgasms, coming down from the high. Jaejoong tastes himself on Yunho, and it’s been so long he almost forgot how sensual the feeling of tasting his own cum on Yunho’s tongue and lips was. He still feels like his ass is so full that he can’t move, but he doesn’t untangle his legs from around Yunho’s waist because he likes it, he likes feeling like Yunho will tear him apart.
“Baby, I should pull out,” Yunho chuckles into their kiss.
Jaejoong pouts and lets his legs fall back onto the bed, and whines at the loss of warmth when Yunho pulls out, but then sighs again as Yunho bends down to lick the drops of cum leaking out of his hole.
“Let me taste you,” Jaejoong pleads, and Yunho is more than happy to oblige.
Jaejoong thinks Yunho tastes sweeter than he does, which makes sense because Yunho is a nicer and more beautiful man than he’ll ever be.
“Oh Yunho, I love you,” he sighs, drinking in his taste, his warmth, the feeling of his arms wrapped around his tiny waist.
They fall asleep after three more rounds and after whispering I love you’s and I’ll never forget you’s into each other’s skin, wrapped in each other’s arms. Jaejoong says their names in his sleep, Changmin, Yoochun, Junsu, and he says Yunho’s name too, but it’s different. Yunho-yah, my Yunho, oh Yunho, he says, and Yunho holds him through the night. Their hearts wish for nothing more than for the night to last forever, but as much as the moon longs to shine its soft silver light over the lover’s bed forever, it gives way to the sun as it peeks over the horizon, gently waking the world and calling all the wild dreamers back to reality.
They stir into consciousness and are met with each other’s sleepy and loving gazes, and for those few precious moments when one has just woken and reality doesn’t exist yet, it is so easy to smile and kiss each other slowly, the soft sounds of lips connecting and disconnecting and sliding together filling the room as sunlight slowly filters in. Laughter finds its way into their kisses and for those few moments, they remember what happiness feels like.
And as quick as it began, it ends. And it’s the last day they have together before Jaejoong leaves. There are a million messages on Jaejoong’s phone, most likely his manager asking where the hell are you, you have a flight to catch, you’re seriously going to give me a heart attack.
It’s time to say goodbye.
“I won’t see you again until I’m out of the military,” Yunho says. “I won’t visit. It will only make things harder on both of us.”
Jaejoong nods. He understands, and somewhere deep down he agrees, but it still hurts like a knife in his chest.
“You learned how to be strong without me. You can do this,” Yunho says with a sad but sincere smile, and Jaejoong believes him.
“Sometimes I wish I could just be weak. What’s so good about being strong,” Jaejoong mutters, but he knows that the strength he gained over the years was the only good thing about being apart.
Yunho chuckles darkly. "Maybe I was never any good for you. You were weak when we were together. Surely being stronger is better."
Jaejoong almost yells at him. "No. I'd rather be weak if I could be with you. Don't you want to give me what I want?"
Yunho looks sad. "Of course I do. It's all I want. But I don't think I can always do that."
Jaejoong sighs. "I know. I know. I have to grow up and be strong on my own, too."
Yunho nods. “Serve well, Jaejoong. Be safe.”
“I’ll keep the faith in us while I’m gone. You don’t let go either, okay?”
Yunho smiles. “Of course.”
Jaejoong takes a deep breath. “Okay then. I’ll see you in two years, Yunho. I won’t forget a moment.”
Memories, some slow and sweet and others white-hot and blinding, burn across the back of his eyelids when he closes his eyes.
Goodbye my lover, I will see you soon.
a/n: jaejoong ;~; is leaving ;~; at the end of this month ;~; i will miss him so much;; i had been wanting to write this ever since the year began because news about him enlisting had been coming out rapidly since then and then i read that yunho and jaejoong are both having fanmeetings on march 24 in japan and they'll be less than an hour apart from each other and also march 24 is when the sakura trees are predicted to blossom in tokyo and the rainbow bridge is going to be between them and they've both said it's their ideal date spot in japan and oh my god lmfao i just have way too many yunjae feels. way too many. anyways, i really hoped you liked this and please leave comments if you did~
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