(no subject)
I hate money and my want for money and most of all, my need for money. Needing money is honestly the most awful thing. There's nothing noble or artistic about scraping by. It's exhaustion and compromise and anxiety. The worst thing is that this isn't even as bad as it can get.
Then I think about my future and what exactly I plan to do with myself. I think about all the things I want in the world and how far away they seem. I think about the hypothetical kid that I've always got lurking in the back of my mind. Do I want this for him? Do I want the circle to remain unbroken?
No.
I want things -- and not just for me, but for everyone. This is when I start thinking of more profitable lines of work. Teaching is ideal. It's a combination of my strengths and interests at work. It's a thankless, messy job. I'm used to those by now. It's also limiting. Do I want to be in the same position as my mother? My extended family?
I don't know what to do with myself these days. I dig a hole and keep on burrowing.
Then I think about my future and what exactly I plan to do with myself. I think about all the things I want in the world and how far away they seem. I think about the hypothetical kid that I've always got lurking in the back of my mind. Do I want this for him? Do I want the circle to remain unbroken?
No.
I want things -- and not just for me, but for everyone. This is when I start thinking of more profitable lines of work. Teaching is ideal. It's a combination of my strengths and interests at work. It's a thankless, messy job. I'm used to those by now. It's also limiting. Do I want to be in the same position as my mother? My extended family?
I don't know what to do with myself these days. I dig a hole and keep on burrowing.