Hospitals
It's very quiet, this must be a special part of the hospital, there isn't the typical noisy noises...no clattering trays, no loud visitors, no constant calling for doctor's. I'm in the 'be very quiet because these people are liable to explode' section...the loony bin, the psych ward..the place where I belong.
The smell is the same, though, the smell of antiseptic and fear and blood. And especially, in this section, the smell of despair.
Kris is in despair, she's been sitting with me almost the whole time. She loves me, we'll always love each other, so why can't we be in love with each other? Why can't we live together happily, and have a family, and have each other?
She had to leave while the doctor came in to talk to me. She didn't want to, but he insisted. He was probably afraid of what I might say, but my only word was yes. Yes, I know I almost died. Yes, I'm aware of how many pills I took. Yes, I knew it was dangerous. Yes, I did try to kill myself. FUCKING YES!!
Yes, I'm ready to go into a rehabilitation program. Not that I believe it'll work, but YES, I'll go!
Soon I've got to let the other guys come in. First Mom, and then the other guys. I know Howie peeked in, and so did Brian. Nick and AJ have been conspicuously absent, but I know why. AJ knows what this is like, he knows exactly what if feels like, what I look like, and it's hard for him to deal with, and that's one of the things that I'm sorry for, for doing this to him.
Nick...Nick's angry. I could see it when he was trying to talk to me, when I ran, and he stopped me. The fury in his eyes was incredible, and I know what he's like when he's angry. That's why he's stayed away so far, he can't deal with what he's feeling...I'm not looking forward to seeing him. I've disappointed him. I've disappointed everyone.
Soon I'll need more meds...this is the hard part, one of the hard parts. This is fucking awful. My gut is twisting, every fibre of my body is aching, my head is throbbing...my heart hurts.
Soon I'll have to open my eyes and admit that I'm awake again.
Soon, but not yet.
The smell is the same, though, the smell of antiseptic and fear and blood. And especially, in this section, the smell of despair.
Kris is in despair, she's been sitting with me almost the whole time. She loves me, we'll always love each other, so why can't we be in love with each other? Why can't we live together happily, and have a family, and have each other?
She had to leave while the doctor came in to talk to me. She didn't want to, but he insisted. He was probably afraid of what I might say, but my only word was yes. Yes, I know I almost died. Yes, I'm aware of how many pills I took. Yes, I knew it was dangerous. Yes, I did try to kill myself. FUCKING YES!!
Yes, I'm ready to go into a rehabilitation program. Not that I believe it'll work, but YES, I'll go!
Soon I've got to let the other guys come in. First Mom, and then the other guys. I know Howie peeked in, and so did Brian. Nick and AJ have been conspicuously absent, but I know why. AJ knows what this is like, he knows exactly what if feels like, what I look like, and it's hard for him to deal with, and that's one of the things that I'm sorry for, for doing this to him.
Nick...Nick's angry. I could see it when he was trying to talk to me, when I ran, and he stopped me. The fury in his eyes was incredible, and I know what he's like when he's angry. That's why he's stayed away so far, he can't deal with what he's feeling...I'm not looking forward to seeing him. I've disappointed him. I've disappointed everyone.
Soon I'll need more meds...this is the hard part, one of the hard parts. This is fucking awful. My gut is twisting, every fibre of my body is aching, my head is throbbing...my heart hurts.
Soon I'll have to open my eyes and admit that I'm awake again.
Soon, but not yet.