Trying to remain positive...
But I can't for very long. I'm trying so damned hard not to sink into that pit of darkness and negativity, but it's so difficult. I hold it together for a few hours and then it all comes crashing down on me. I feel like I've lost almost everything good in my life. Christ, I can't even take a shower in my own home. If I want a cup of coffee I have to use bottled water, I can't even wash my damned dishes because if I don't shut off my water at the main, my bathroom floods.
I lost My Shadow.She was/is my best friend. She's the most beautiful woman I've ever seen, whether she ever believed it or not. Maybe the way I felt/feel about her colors that perception, but I can remember thinking that she was gorgeous back when we used to trade massages years before I'd seen more than her back. The worst part of that is that the vast majority of the fault rests squarely on me. I was so stubborn, stupidly insisting that I could fix all my issues without any outside help. Of course I couldn't, there was never any hope of that, and subconsciously I knew that, but I couldn't admit it to anyone, even myself. Those issues, which I couldn't address, couldn't fix, cost me her. Hell, they've fucked up my whole life. They make it so that I can't function. And that was what did it. It killed her attraction to me. It killed her respect for me. It made it impossible for me to live up to the promises I made to her, stopped me from being able to take care of her the way we wanted me to, the way that I told her that I would. Hell, I couldn't even take care of myself, still can't really, probably won't be able to until I have either a lot of counseling or maybe even anti-depressant drugs. She was everything I wanted in a woman; I mean, how can you do better for a life partner than your best friend? I knew I would fuck this up, knew I had fucked this up, and wasn't strong enough to leave her before it was so far gone that, even though she says there could be a chance in the future, I'm sure she'll never want me back. I loved her, and the idea of our life together so much that even after I knew that she had lost that feeling for me, I held on. If only I can pull things together, make myself better, she'll start to feel that deeper love again, she'll want me again like she used to was what I told myself. Still in denial, still lying to myself about how out of control my life was/is. Love isn't the problem, never was; she still loves me, just not that way anymore; I'm the problem, always have been.
I should have been the one to pull the plug. I saw how my actions and in-actions made her look at me. Saw it months, maybe over a year ago. That of course was my mistake, another in a long string of mistakes I've made over the past five years, and over my whole life for that matter. Perhaps if I'd done that, if I'd said that it was obvious that we were both unhappy living together, that our relationship as it was, was hurting me too, that it wouldn't have had to end completely. It was there, there was a point when we could have moved into separate residences and continued to date, both worked on our problems individually and maybe not had to come to this point. But I didn't. It seemed like yet another failure on my part. I asked her to marry me, and in my view of things, that was supposed to be forever. That inability to change my perception of that cost me any chance of that.
I'm going to hold on. I'm going to get help. I'm going to get better. I'm going to improve myself, make myself functional. There was a look in her eyes, a long time ago, a combination of love, respect, lust and desire, that made me feel so good. Made me feel powerful, confident, wanted, protective, like a man. What I want more than anything in my life is to see that look in her eyes again, I've wanted to see that for far too long now. I might never have Shadow look at me like that again; and I don't think that I'll ever be okay with that; but someone will look at me like that again. I'm going to make myself better, I'm going to need help. I'm going to need support from her and from DB, but I'm going to do it. When I get down, I have to remember that look, when I want to give up and not try anymore, I have to remember that look. I'm not healthy enough to find that motivation solely inside myself yet, but missing that look in her eyes may be enough to keep pushing, to keep working.