I Can't Believe How Grateful I Am For My Life
I really mean it. Between a former Shadow and my sweet Shadow (damned if that isn’t ironic, I didn’t even notice that when that name wrapped around her in my mind) I could not conceive of people I would be able to love more.
We decided to call off the physical part of our friendship on Saturday night. To be completely accurate, she called it off, I knew it needed to a way other than it was, but to my semi-surprise and utter admiration, she pulled the strength to do it. She was strong enough to risk wounding me as deeply as she feared she could have to take hold of her own life and individuality. She left George to be alone, and discover who she is, not dive headlong into another relationship. I am unbelievably proud of her for sticking to the path she chose (albeit belatedly), even if it did sting a bit. I promised her love and support and whatever it would take for me to see her happy, and I intend to keep that promise for as long as she is my friend, which may extend for more than just this incarnation.
We talked for a few of hours, then came back to my house, curled up and watched a movie. God it’s good to have a friend to do that with, it really is one of my favorite things. Easter Sunday we did the same thing, this time over at her house. We watched Memoirs of a Geisha, which was a phenomenal flick, with an ending I really didn’t expect. DB and Ms. Red showed up half way through the evening and watched Day of the Dead 2 with us. Christ, what a crap movie, it has the worst zombie ever in it, I fucking loved it. Then Ms. Red went home, and DB and I took off and talked for about three hours. It was really nice to be able to hang out with just him, it’s been probably about two months or maybe a bit more since we did that.
Monday was fairly non-descript. Hung out with DB and Ms. F, went down to Maximo Park. They talked for a couple of hours. I just couldn’t seem to get involved with the conversation. I was having an overwhelmed with emotion night. One of those times when you feel all your emotions at once, and it almost makes you break. So I went off alone, looked at the stars for a while, chilled in the truck, listened to Soundtrack To Your Escape. Then I took them back to her place, dropped them off, grabbed some dinner and went home to sleep.
Tuesday, she wasn’t feeling too well all day, so she skipped martial arts class and we bummed around her place watching movies. We watched High Tension, which was the worst piece of shit excuse for a piece of theater that I have seen since Skinner. No saving grace whatsoever. We also watched The Notebook, which is one of the saddest movies I’ve ever seen in my life. I was crying for the last half hour of the film. After the movies she walked me out. We hugged, she had her arms around my neck, she backed off and looked into my eyes, and I know that look on her face all too well. She practically ran into the house. I don’t blame her, I know what was on her mind, and if I was trying to stand on my own like she is, I would have run away too. I came home and went to sleep. She was in my dreams… big surprise.
Tonight I went to the Globe. People there, good conversation, for once recently. After leaving there, I took off alone. Drove for a bit, went to wally world.
I’ve been thinking and looking around. I really am glad that she put it on hold, she needs time to sort herself out. If she never comes back into my arms that way again, I really will be okay. It’s strange, I tried looking at other women, and they just aren’t attractive to me right now. Every time I close my eyes, I see her, I see her eyes. She has the most incredible, amazing eyes, I could fall into those eyes forever and a while after, and never touch bottom. Strangely enough, it doesn’t hurt. When I think of her and she’s not there, I want to cry, not from pain or loneliness, but from the profound gratitude that she is in my life; that she would want me as a friend, leave lone a lover. Shit, my standards were too high before, and she raised them. I think she ruined me. Fuck it, better to have been ruined by her, than to have missed out on it. Fucked up, I’ve never been happier or more grateful to be alive, and I don’t even get to kiss her goodnight, how’s that for irony? Un-fucking-believable.
Well, off to smoke, write a few more lines of the smut that’s taking shape in my cranium, and crash the fuck out.
We decided to call off the physical part of our friendship on Saturday night. To be completely accurate, she called it off, I knew it needed to a way other than it was, but to my semi-surprise and utter admiration, she pulled the strength to do it. She was strong enough to risk wounding me as deeply as she feared she could have to take hold of her own life and individuality. She left George to be alone, and discover who she is, not dive headlong into another relationship. I am unbelievably proud of her for sticking to the path she chose (albeit belatedly), even if it did sting a bit. I promised her love and support and whatever it would take for me to see her happy, and I intend to keep that promise for as long as she is my friend, which may extend for more than just this incarnation.
We talked for a few of hours, then came back to my house, curled up and watched a movie. God it’s good to have a friend to do that with, it really is one of my favorite things. Easter Sunday we did the same thing, this time over at her house. We watched Memoirs of a Geisha, which was a phenomenal flick, with an ending I really didn’t expect. DB and Ms. Red showed up half way through the evening and watched Day of the Dead 2 with us. Christ, what a crap movie, it has the worst zombie ever in it, I fucking loved it. Then Ms. Red went home, and DB and I took off and talked for about three hours. It was really nice to be able to hang out with just him, it’s been probably about two months or maybe a bit more since we did that.
Monday was fairly non-descript. Hung out with DB and Ms. F, went down to Maximo Park. They talked for a couple of hours. I just couldn’t seem to get involved with the conversation. I was having an overwhelmed with emotion night. One of those times when you feel all your emotions at once, and it almost makes you break. So I went off alone, looked at the stars for a while, chilled in the truck, listened to Soundtrack To Your Escape. Then I took them back to her place, dropped them off, grabbed some dinner and went home to sleep.
Tuesday, she wasn’t feeling too well all day, so she skipped martial arts class and we bummed around her place watching movies. We watched High Tension, which was the worst piece of shit excuse for a piece of theater that I have seen since Skinner. No saving grace whatsoever. We also watched The Notebook, which is one of the saddest movies I’ve ever seen in my life. I was crying for the last half hour of the film. After the movies she walked me out. We hugged, she had her arms around my neck, she backed off and looked into my eyes, and I know that look on her face all too well. She practically ran into the house. I don’t blame her, I know what was on her mind, and if I was trying to stand on my own like she is, I would have run away too. I came home and went to sleep. She was in my dreams… big surprise.
Tonight I went to the Globe. People there, good conversation, for once recently. After leaving there, I took off alone. Drove for a bit, went to wally world.
I’ve been thinking and looking around. I really am glad that she put it on hold, she needs time to sort herself out. If she never comes back into my arms that way again, I really will be okay. It’s strange, I tried looking at other women, and they just aren’t attractive to me right now. Every time I close my eyes, I see her, I see her eyes. She has the most incredible, amazing eyes, I could fall into those eyes forever and a while after, and never touch bottom. Strangely enough, it doesn’t hurt. When I think of her and she’s not there, I want to cry, not from pain or loneliness, but from the profound gratitude that she is in my life; that she would want me as a friend, leave lone a lover. Shit, my standards were too high before, and she raised them. I think she ruined me. Fuck it, better to have been ruined by her, than to have missed out on it. Fucked up, I’ve never been happier or more grateful to be alive, and I don’t even get to kiss her goodnight, how’s that for irony? Un-fucking-believable.
Well, off to smoke, write a few more lines of the smut that’s taking shape in my cranium, and crash the fuck out.