annual review
What's the one thing you want in 2008 badly enough that you're willing to sacrifice something huge to attain?
What's standing in the way? How are YOU standing in the way? Who will you have to disappoint to get it? What will you have to trade? What will you get from attainment of that thing or goal?
I thought about this question, on and off, all day yesterday. I couldn't come up with a thing. By the end of the day I was sitting in my room, looking out my window at the new snow, wondering why there was nothing at all that I want so badly that I'd be willing to sacrifice something. I also wondered why I am so unwilling to sacrifice anything, as well. So, not only do I not want anything badly enough, I am not willing to sacrifice anything. Am I alive at all, or just some sort of automaton? I then dismissed the question from my thoughts again and went to bed.
Even after a horrible night's sleep, where thanks to my son some alarm went off twice before I had to turn on the light and my brain at 2.30 a.m. to figure out how to turn it off, I woke up this morning with the answer.
If I had been asked this question three years ago, there would have been no hesitation as to what the answer would be. I was in a marriage worse than hell and I needed to sacrifice financial security, some friends, judgement of family, blah, blah, blah, to get out. Two years and 11.5 months ago I made those sacrifices. Definitely one of the best decisions I'd ever made. But anyone with a firm grip on reality who has ever been in as degrading (yes, degrading) a situation as I was, knows that the goal is still as far as a cross-country road-trip on a bicycle, in the rain and snow, all uphill. Not to mention, the most important goals and accomplishments are often found in really small things.
Year one (and probably half of two) was about adjustment and about processing and dealing with a lot of anger, not to mention some self-loathing for letting myself stay in such a nasty situation for so long.
By this time last year, I felt some accomplishment but also still felt alone. My resolution was to build a few good friendships and let a few people get to know me, rather than rotating a gazillion acquaintances and party buddies which had kept me busy, but were empty of any substance. Speaking of substance - during the marriage I got through my days with mild substance abuse. In and amongst everything else, I had to get a handle on that, too. So anyway, at this time last year my goal was to separate friends from acquaintances and develop some valuable friendships. It would appear that I am well on the way to achieving this goal. After all, the most valuable friendships take longer than a year to build.
So here I am on the brink of 2008. My goal for 2008 is to start enjoying the little things that are a part of daily life again; those things that build community and self. Rather than looking at, say, cooking a big dinner for friends or family as a chore, I believe I am finally ready to enjoy the process again.
So the Answer to frozenrhino's question is this: There is nothing that I want badly enough in 2008 that I'm willing to sacrifice something huge to attain, because I am still in the process of attaining something I wanted badly enough in January 2005 to sacrifice something huge for. The goal has been me, and I am just that little bit less of a shadow-human every day.
What's standing in the way? How are YOU standing in the way? Who will you have to disappoint to get it? What will you have to trade? What will you get from attainment of that thing or goal?
I thought about this question, on and off, all day yesterday. I couldn't come up with a thing. By the end of the day I was sitting in my room, looking out my window at the new snow, wondering why there was nothing at all that I want so badly that I'd be willing to sacrifice something. I also wondered why I am so unwilling to sacrifice anything, as well. So, not only do I not want anything badly enough, I am not willing to sacrifice anything. Am I alive at all, or just some sort of automaton? I then dismissed the question from my thoughts again and went to bed.
Even after a horrible night's sleep, where thanks to my son some alarm went off twice before I had to turn on the light and my brain at 2.30 a.m. to figure out how to turn it off, I woke up this morning with the answer.
If I had been asked this question three years ago, there would have been no hesitation as to what the answer would be. I was in a marriage worse than hell and I needed to sacrifice financial security, some friends, judgement of family, blah, blah, blah, to get out. Two years and 11.5 months ago I made those sacrifices. Definitely one of the best decisions I'd ever made. But anyone with a firm grip on reality who has ever been in as degrading (yes, degrading) a situation as I was, knows that the goal is still as far as a cross-country road-trip on a bicycle, in the rain and snow, all uphill. Not to mention, the most important goals and accomplishments are often found in really small things.
Year one (and probably half of two) was about adjustment and about processing and dealing with a lot of anger, not to mention some self-loathing for letting myself stay in such a nasty situation for so long.
By this time last year, I felt some accomplishment but also still felt alone. My resolution was to build a few good friendships and let a few people get to know me, rather than rotating a gazillion acquaintances and party buddies which had kept me busy, but were empty of any substance. Speaking of substance - during the marriage I got through my days with mild substance abuse. In and amongst everything else, I had to get a handle on that, too. So anyway, at this time last year my goal was to separate friends from acquaintances and develop some valuable friendships. It would appear that I am well on the way to achieving this goal. After all, the most valuable friendships take longer than a year to build.
So here I am on the brink of 2008. My goal for 2008 is to start enjoying the little things that are a part of daily life again; those things that build community and self. Rather than looking at, say, cooking a big dinner for friends or family as a chore, I believe I am finally ready to enjoy the process again.
So the Answer to frozenrhino's question is this: There is nothing that I want badly enough in 2008 that I'm willing to sacrifice something huge to attain, because I am still in the process of attaining something I wanted badly enough in January 2005 to sacrifice something huge for. The goal has been me, and I am just that little bit less of a shadow-human every day.