(no subject)
Kerry's really wonderful. Like, she's really, really wonderful. I've never had a better girlfriend, and our relationship consistently surprises me with how delightful and just...good it can be. But(primarily) as a result of my issues there's problems... I guess mainly I don't open up enough. I guess that's difficult, now, for me more than it used to be. I've been thinking it's because I'm afraid to get too close to someone since what happened with Lauren, so I've kept anyone I've really liked at some distance. Biz and I didn't date long enough for me to figure out much, but with whatever I can call what I had with Emily, there was the literal distance between us that perhaps allowed me to try and throw myself into it more while still being...sheltered. But even when whatever that was ended, I just sort of...I dunno. I never reacted. I didn't even cry, which is weird, because I'd cried at other points in the relationship. I just sort of went on like it was absolutely nothing, which is weird. I don't know why, but I just never...reacted to it. So, with Kerry, I find myself being silent, and not emotionally expressive, and just..well, the problem is she doesn't think I care about her nearly as much as I do, and I have trouble expressing how much I care about her. I don't know if I love her, I have to really try and understand what I consider love to be, because I can hardly imagine a relationship more perfect than what I have right now, and sometimes I really feel it...but I don't really know what I feel at other times. It's hard to really evaluate what's going on with me. Someone, I think Emily, suggested that I need some kind of therapy. Maybe I do, I certainly still have issues with Lauren over a year later. Every time I think it abates, every time it seems like it's gotten better I come to realise that it hasn't. I thought after she apologized things would get better...but then she came and was nasty and essentially just left the situation as it was. I thought I was a lot better even just one week ago. I sitting in a hotel room and realised that that time last year I couldn't sleep and ended up going into the bathroom and crying for a few hours because of what had happened with her. I specifically thought about how I don't cry because of her anymore, and then just tonight a song made me think about all that shit and I shed tears again over a cruel bitch. I don't exactly know for sure where I'm going with this, but I didn't have anyone to talk to (although I'm positive that Kerry will tell me I should have woken her up when she reads this) and so up here it goes. I wonder if I won't call her because it's easier to talk to nothing right now about this or because I don't feel like my problems are important enough to bother her at 6 AM. I'm not sure. I just know that I don't think calling her is a good idea. I don't know what I need to fix everything that's related to Lauren. Maybe I just need to just once, sometime, ever stand up to her. Even a year later when she started being bitchy after her "apology" I didn't have the courage to say anything, all I could do was just stop talking and hope she gave up. It's all I ever did. I've always been to much of a pussy to call her on everything, although I came close to it when we were breaking up. The fact that she's a self-centered, self-rightous, ungrateful emotionally and physically abusive person, that she never, ever made me feel valuable as a person no matter what I did for her, that she just made me hurt every chance she could, and that she never once hesitated to do it. And I still loved her, and she still treated me that way. I wish I did have Kerry with me right now because I know she could make me feel better, but I'm just thinking up excuses not to call her. Is it masochism or insecurity? Who knows. It's beautiful outside right now. The sun is coming up over the ocean. My head hurts. I need to do something.