Angry as Hell
The following is a message to my brother in response to a message he left on my myspace page. He had nothing but positive, happy news for me, but I was (and am) so angry about my life, and was in such need to express it to someone, that I wrote the following. I'm reprinting it here for self interests - a sort of snapshot of my emotional condition and reasoning.
Hey, man.
You know something? I just noticed something about all of my friends (save the comedienne, who's actually pretty talented and nice, *********, a band I never listened to but just wanted to help by friending them, and Tom, whom I am completely unfamiliar with but haven't really had the inclination to delete yet).
Virtually every single one of them is featured kissing or hugging someone. Those who are not are either married or have typically found themselves in nice dating situations.
You know who is pictured with no one to be intimate with?
Me.
It'd be nice if the planet had a mouth. It'd also be nice if I had a foot big enough to kick it's fucking teeth in.
Ever hear the song "Fuck You" by Archive? I discovered it very recently. It's really a pretty good "pissed off at the universe" song. It's not whiny, screamy or angsty (like "Pain" by Three Days Grace). It's just very bitter and fuming, kind of like me.
Truth be told, I've been feeling better about myself than ever. There have been a number of moments in the past couple months where I suddenly realize, Hey! I'm not feeling relentlessly sad or scared.
But I sure have been quietly angry. Guys - fucking MEN - keep accosting me everywhere I go in this country. I keep running into a bunch of new best friends (or Westerners bored with the little town I live in) who either want me to teach them English or fucking entertain them.
And is there one - fucking ONE - woman of reasonable age, intelligence and sanity who finds me attractive in all of this?
God stuck me with a self-destructively neurotic mother who trained me to believe that I was a ticking time-bomb of failure and inadequacy; a perspective which - to this day - she blames me for. Then he took away her health and almost let her die.
He forced me to live for the better part of thirty years with or around a hateful bully who stopped at nothing to make his family feel awful.
He has subjected me to one misery on top of another day after day for the last 34 fucking years of my life. Regardless of what I try to do to improve my situation, to find guidance, to do whatever it is he wants me to do, I am met with more misery, more inconvenience, and more going nowhere with my life.
Is it asking for the FUCKING MOON that I get just a LITTLE FUCKING AFFECTION EVERY ONCE IN A FUCKING WHILE?!?
I'm coming closer and closer to the time where my dick won't work anymore. I've lost interest in this fucking world. There's nothing to get out of bed for - except for my kids, but I'm getting sick of teaching. Having a hand to hold or someone rub my head would kind of ease the pressure off a little, give me reason to keep hoping, to keep going.
But God made his point clear over the last three and a half decades - fuck Kevin. He's a doorstop. I don't need to treat him with anymore love or concern than I do a Kleenex. Ooh, he has his spirit broken? So? I can always make another one.
I read everyday about these religious right-wing jackasses yammering on about abortion and gay marriage, but they don't do a damn thing about people who are suffering. God let's those people live long, healthy lives but he almost kills my mother. It has lead me to admit something to myself: I'm the type that does not forgive. Also, I wish ill on people. Call it petty, vindictive, not Christ-like - I don't care. I'm sick of this miserable shithole mom and [my father] forced me into.
I'm sorry to dump on you like this, but I needed to get this out. Also, I don't want you to worry: I'm NOT going to hurt myself or anything. I'm just so fucking fed up with this fucking world, and typically any time I try to talk about it, there's always some asshole trying to tell me that "it's not so bad".
Fuck them. It's hell on earth as far as I'm concerned. I'm a fucking janitor/babysitter for a bunch of self-absorbed dickheads (not my students, rather any drunken, selfish or otherwise spiritually or intellectually blind person) whom God sends stumbling my way just to make sure s/he doesn't philosophically or literally stumble into oncoming traffic. And what do I get in return?
More assholes. I said I was a janitor? Naw - I'm a proctologist.
Anyhow, my Skype number is ***********. I'm going to get a cell phone pretty soon (Mom's insistence, in case something happens to *****. I mean, sure, getting ahold of Mom is a crapshoot for me, and apparently she can only use email when she remembers to, but, no, it's fine - I don't mind one more expense despite the fact that I have been 100 per cent fine WITHOUT a cell phone for EIGHT MONTHS).
I'm going to try to make it home over the next couple of months. Worse case scenario is that I just end my contract and come home in April, although I am so fucking sick of Columbus that I couldn't stomach living there for more than a month or so.
Again, I'm sorry, I am just so fucking frustrated. Plus, it's almost five in the morning. Talk to you soon, okay?
***