wow, I've been blacklisted!
So there's a local photographer, who is supposedly really well-known (and oft-plagiarized/copied), who is doing a coffeetable book on the beauty of breastfeeding. I emailed him, telling him (his wife, actually, who is his business manager) I would be willing to model for them. I was responding to a call for models that had been forwarded to me. They were delighted.
They came today to my home for the photo session. My friend, S, was there with her daughter; they were also going to model for him. It came out that S is a life model (sits nude for drawing students), so they asked if she'd be willing to sit nude for the photo session. She was totally ok with that. When it was my turn, I was ok sitting nude, but I asked if they were ok with body hair because I didn't shave. They went overboard to reassure me that that was perfect and would add variety to their subjects and they preferred the natural look anyway. So I went with it.
When it came time to decide whether we would get money ($25) or a compensatory photo by Bill, S chose the money, but I wanted a photo. They gave me the option of it being me, or my son, or me with my son. And it could be to my specifications, so I could have complete control over position, etc. But I had to decide on the final photo directly after it was taken. I was mostly ok with that, though a little uneasy at having to decide on a professional shot by only looking at raw data on thumbnails (he does a lot in photoshop to touch things up. A LOT.). I opted for a nursing shot much like what they had just done. They were fine with that, except that I couldn't be nude. Huh? But, that's what I wanted! I wanted a professionally done photo of me nursing my son au naturel. Nope. Couldn't be done. I couldn't even be topless. I had to wear a top. Huh? That wasn't explained to me before I got all naked for them. Apparently they are extremely protective of his 'nude work' and won't let anything be released until after the book is published, which could take years, since this project has already been put on the backburner at least once. They wanted to be able to give something to me immediately. I can appreciate that. But I couldn't decide, so I opted for the money.
When they left, they had made it clear that they wanted us (the two moms) to come back in and do more modeling for them for other projects they have going. So they left on a good note, it seemed.
After they left, I decided I was unhappy with that choice of accepting money when I just wanted a photo, so I emailed them.
Hi Pat,
Thank you for coming today to my home and shooting photos of my friend, S----, and me with our babies for the coffee table book you and Bill are doing. I appreciate that you were able to do a home visit instead of requiring us to trek to your studio.
Thank you also for offering different modes of compensation for the time we gave. I am, however, not entirely satisfied with the option I ended up taking. I really wanted a photo of me with [my son]. It was pretty much the entire reason for me modelling for Bill's book. I wanted to have a professional photo of me with my son to hang on my wall.
I ended up changing my mind at the last minute to accept money because I felt that the stipulations for a photo suddenly became very complicated. I don't understand why I wouldn't have been able to have one of the shots that Bill decided he didn't want to use for his book. I don't understand why I couldn't have had another shot of me with my son au naturel after the first session was finished. It seemed unreasonable to ask that I be wearing clothing for the personal shot, to separate it from the lack of clothing in the professional shot, when I could have been wearing clothing for the professional shot. Does that make sense? If I had been uncomfortable posing nude with my son, then you wouldn't have had a problem with my wearing clothing for the book shots. Why, then, would you make such a distinction between me posing nude for the book and me posing nude for a personal, compensatory shot? That doesn't make any sense to me and it leaves me feeling quite unhappy and a little taken advantaged of because I didn't get the compensation I had originally wanted because the rules had suddenly changed.
Is there any way we could resolve this so that I end up with a photograph I'm happy with? I'd be more than pleased to come to your studio for an additional session of modelling (for whatever other project you have, or for the breastfeeding coffee table book, whichever) if I got to have a professional photo that I'm happy with of me with my son.
Thanks,
[my name]
The wife phoned me as soon as they got home and read the email. They decided that I was being completely negative; they'd never had a problem with other models before. They decided that I just "didn't get it" so they never wanted to work with me again, despite having a positive session (I asked for clarification there -- it was just the email that ruined their perceptions of me and cast a negative shadow in the experience.). They told me they would not be using any photos of me or my son in their book and went so far as to delete them (or so they said) while on the phone with me because they feared I was the sort of person who would make trouble for them down the road.
I was incredibly conciliatory over the phone, trying my best to smooth things over. I apologized for my brusque email, and that I'd had problems in the past with my abruptness coming across as being negative, but that wasn't enough. I kept my tone even, never raising my voice. I tried to understand where they were coming from and to explain, in as heartfelt and honest a manner as I could, that I just wanted a photo of me nursing my son. None of that was enough. They'd already made their decision and that was that.
Well, no, that's not that. I have more to say to them. Here is the email I've written and am sending to them. I've already had S and optimystik look over the first email and they found absolutely nothing wrong with it and were as bewildered as I was with the response I got from the photographer and his wife. I've asked optimystik to look over this next email, and he had no problem with it, so I'm sending it.
Dear Pat,
I feel compelled to communicate further with you, though I have no idea how effective it will be or how my words will be taken.
I understand that you have had really negative experiences in the professional world with respect to Bill's work being stolen. I do not understand why you have not taken appropriate action against those who have copied his work. That makes no sense on a professional level. You're not protecting his work by avoiding litigious actions against those who have stolen his work. It also does nothing to protect his name and reputation in the field.
To that end, I do not feel that you have done a very good job of protecting his name and reputation with how you handled my email today. You said on the phone that no one else has had a problem with what you were offering as compensation. Why, then, if I am the *first* to change my mind about how I wanted to be compensated, would you not try to accommodate me? Why would you react in such a negative and volatile manner, saying that you never want to work with me again? It seems quite an over-the-top and hurtful response to me.
I feel that your reaction to my email was completely out of proportion to what was expected of a professional. What my email boiled down to was that I had changed my mind about the choice I had made and could I take the other option? I felt that your response was that of a little child shouting NO YOU CAN'T! and then tearing up all the photographs in a fit of rage. It left me more than bewildered, but I will address that in a moment.
I understand that when you've been burned several times, any sort of disagreement or misunderstanding may come across as more than what it is. I understand this intimately. It's like an abused animal believing it is cornered and being attacked, when no such thing is happening, and it's really just a grand misunderstanding. I am writing to help clarify what I perceive to be a grand misunderstanding.
After thinking about what happened today, I realised that the reason why I felt taken advantaged of was because it was not communicated to me that there were stipulations on what sort of compensatory photograph would be available to me until *after* I had posed nude for you and Bill. If I had known before disrobing that I would not be able to get nude photos of me nursing my son, I would not have posed nude for the book. That is the crux of where my dissatisfaction with the compensation lays. I know you did not set out to make me feel this way, but this was the end result.
I felt that if I let two complete strangers into my private dwelling, disrobe in front of them, and engage in the intimately nurturing act of nursing my son at my breast and allow photographs of that act to be taken by the strangers, then I should be able to decide what sort of compensatory photo I should get. I felt that the rules for what you would allow as compensation were not made clear at all until after I had put myself and my son in such a rather delicate and vulnerable position.
You are absolutely right that you gave me plenty of options, but the one option I ended up wanting was not available to me, and I was not made aware of that until *after* the photo session. May I suggest that you clarify this stipulation with every other model you offer compensatory photographs to? Please make certain that it is well understood that you only do clothed compensatory photographs before the first photo of the session is taken. It will save you trouble in the end. It certainly would have saved a lot of heartache today.
Additionally, I felt overwhelmed by all the photograph options available to me and then rushed both to make a decision about how the photograph should be setup (a shot "to my specifications") and then to decide which photograph to choose after ones were taken. It's unfair to expect anyone to be able to make such decisions about composition when they, themselves, are not photographers. I wanted a photo by Bill, not a photo by me taken by Bill. Does that make sense? He's the artist here, not me. I felt it was also unfair to expect anyone, let alone a mother of a toddler (who can barely think straight as it is due to sleep deprivation and other mental and emotional demands of parenting such a young child), to be able to make such a quick decision about a photograph based on a tiny thumbnail image that hasn't even been processed -- so who knows what the end result would be. With other photography modelling I've done, I've been able to look at contact sheets/proofs to choose and been given a reasonable amount of time (half an hour or so, at least) to deliberate.
Because I felt so overwhelmed, I felt it was the easiest option to ask for money. But after you left, I ended up feeling as though I had prostituted myself: I modelled nude for money, when I didn't want money at all; I wanted a photo. S---- kept saying after you left that she was sorry I didn't get the photo I had wanted. So I did what I thought would be best and emailed you to see what options might be available to me, since I was unhappy with *my* choice.
When you called and were quite angry, I couldn't understand why my email had garnered such a reaction. I've since asked multiple people for their input and every one of them has found no fault with the tone or wording of my email to you. And then, when you said that you never wanted to work with me again because of how negative things had turned out, I felt even more upset. When you said at the beginning of the phone conversation, "you just don't seem to understand..." you were right: I didn't understand. I stated that plainly in my email to you. I felt that clarification was in order, not being shut out. I was asking for clarification and you dismissed my questions outright and told me I was being negative. That doesn't make any sense.
When you said that you'd delete all the photos that Bill had taken of me and my son and that you weren't going to use me in your book, it felt very much like an attack on me personally. An unwarranted one, at that. I understand wanting to protect him and his work, but I don't think what I was asking for (clarification and a photograph I was happy with) was in the least bit unreasonable.
I felt that with such strong reactions to my email, it would have been more professional to have taken some time -- a few hours, maybe a full day or so -- to think things over so that you didn't end up making such rash decisions. When you said the photos were deleted, I felt cheapened, disrespected, ashamed and humiliated. Please don't do this to other models. It's very upsetting. Please take time to ponder your decisions before responding to something you find inflammatory. You will come across as more professional in your dealings if you do so. Even if you come to the same decisions, taking more time to think about them before making them final will look better to your clients. As it stands, I find your reactions today completely immature and childish. It makes me feel as though you were just looking for a reason not to use photos of the naked, hairy, dreadlocked chick who nurses her over-1-year-old son. I'm already an anomaly in everyday society and am rather self-conscious about that. Your actions today, in response to my email, made me feel downright ashamed of myself. Thanks.
To diverge from the personal issues I have with what happened today, I want to address just a couple of professional points.
You mentioned on the phone that you didn't think I understood the opportunity I was being given here to appear in one of Bill's books. May I suggest that you use a different approach? Using that attitude makes it seem as though you are doing me a favour, when *I* am modelling for *you*. A teacher is not a teacher unless she has students. It is a bidirectional relationship. You cannot have a book on the beauty of breastfeeding without models to photograph. If you have no models, you have no book. Please remember that.
While you were in my home, Bill mentioned that he is very protective of his nude work and would never post any of that work on the internet. However, there is a photo of a nude mother and child, the same photo as that on your worn business cards, on his website. This contradicts what he said in my home today. Maybe you don't consider that to be 'nude work', but the woman is topless and you can plainly see her breast. That's 'nude work' as far as most other people are concerned. Please be consistent.
Additionally, every other photographer I have ever modelled for has had the models sign the model release form *before* any photographs are taken. As well, the criticisms that S---- made about the release form that you provided were appropriate. There should be release forms that are specific to each type of work you do. They should be spelled out as thoroughly as possible, and if you verbalize self-imposed limitations, such as, "We will call you if we decide to use your photos for X," then that should also be in your release form. You can talk all you like, but if you don't have the paperwork to back it up, then it doesn't look good to the people you're working with.
I do hope you will take my words here as guidance to help you in your future endeavours. I feel unfairly pegged by you as a troublemaker, when I am no such thing. I feel your actions today on the phone were brash, unwarranted, and rather unprofessional, and you left me feeling quite awful. It does absolutely nothing to help your photography business to act in such a manner, and in fact, sullies your husband's name unnecessarily. He does excellent work, which is why I let you both into my home to photograph me with my son. But your bedside manner, so to speak, leaves a lot to be desired. By your reaction to me today, you took what could have been a positive and ongoing working relationship and made it irrevocably negative.
I wish you better luck in the future when dealing with adversity.
Peace to you,
[my name]
Man, all I want is a professional photo of me with my son and I don't want to have to prostitute myself to get it. This should not be so difficult!
On the upside, misslynx and I had a lovely and much-needed conversation today as a result of my dealings with the Ivys. I apologized to her in a teary heartfelt manner for being so horribly reactionary to her all these years and for all the emotional damage that it caused her. I've got so much to learn, but at least I'm learning. We're planning to get together for tea soon to talk more.
They came today to my home for the photo session. My friend, S, was there with her daughter; they were also going to model for him. It came out that S is a life model (sits nude for drawing students), so they asked if she'd be willing to sit nude for the photo session. She was totally ok with that. When it was my turn, I was ok sitting nude, but I asked if they were ok with body hair because I didn't shave. They went overboard to reassure me that that was perfect and would add variety to their subjects and they preferred the natural look anyway. So I went with it.
When it came time to decide whether we would get money ($25) or a compensatory photo by Bill, S chose the money, but I wanted a photo. They gave me the option of it being me, or my son, or me with my son. And it could be to my specifications, so I could have complete control over position, etc. But I had to decide on the final photo directly after it was taken. I was mostly ok with that, though a little uneasy at having to decide on a professional shot by only looking at raw data on thumbnails (he does a lot in photoshop to touch things up. A LOT.). I opted for a nursing shot much like what they had just done. They were fine with that, except that I couldn't be nude. Huh? But, that's what I wanted! I wanted a professionally done photo of me nursing my son au naturel. Nope. Couldn't be done. I couldn't even be topless. I had to wear a top. Huh? That wasn't explained to me before I got all naked for them. Apparently they are extremely protective of his 'nude work' and won't let anything be released until after the book is published, which could take years, since this project has already been put on the backburner at least once. They wanted to be able to give something to me immediately. I can appreciate that. But I couldn't decide, so I opted for the money.
When they left, they had made it clear that they wanted us (the two moms) to come back in and do more modeling for them for other projects they have going. So they left on a good note, it seemed.
After they left, I decided I was unhappy with that choice of accepting money when I just wanted a photo, so I emailed them.
Hi Pat,
Thank you for coming today to my home and shooting photos of my friend, S----, and me with our babies for the coffee table book you and Bill are doing. I appreciate that you were able to do a home visit instead of requiring us to trek to your studio.
Thank you also for offering different modes of compensation for the time we gave. I am, however, not entirely satisfied with the option I ended up taking. I really wanted a photo of me with [my son]. It was pretty much the entire reason for me modelling for Bill's book. I wanted to have a professional photo of me with my son to hang on my wall.
I ended up changing my mind at the last minute to accept money because I felt that the stipulations for a photo suddenly became very complicated. I don't understand why I wouldn't have been able to have one of the shots that Bill decided he didn't want to use for his book. I don't understand why I couldn't have had another shot of me with my son au naturel after the first session was finished. It seemed unreasonable to ask that I be wearing clothing for the personal shot, to separate it from the lack of clothing in the professional shot, when I could have been wearing clothing for the professional shot. Does that make sense? If I had been uncomfortable posing nude with my son, then you wouldn't have had a problem with my wearing clothing for the book shots. Why, then, would you make such a distinction between me posing nude for the book and me posing nude for a personal, compensatory shot? That doesn't make any sense to me and it leaves me feeling quite unhappy and a little taken advantaged of because I didn't get the compensation I had originally wanted because the rules had suddenly changed.
Is there any way we could resolve this so that I end up with a photograph I'm happy with? I'd be more than pleased to come to your studio for an additional session of modelling (for whatever other project you have, or for the breastfeeding coffee table book, whichever) if I got to have a professional photo that I'm happy with of me with my son.
Thanks,
[my name]
The wife phoned me as soon as they got home and read the email. They decided that I was being completely negative; they'd never had a problem with other models before. They decided that I just "didn't get it" so they never wanted to work with me again, despite having a positive session (I asked for clarification there -- it was just the email that ruined their perceptions of me and cast a negative shadow in the experience.). They told me they would not be using any photos of me or my son in their book and went so far as to delete them (or so they said) while on the phone with me because they feared I was the sort of person who would make trouble for them down the road.
I was incredibly conciliatory over the phone, trying my best to smooth things over. I apologized for my brusque email, and that I'd had problems in the past with my abruptness coming across as being negative, but that wasn't enough. I kept my tone even, never raising my voice. I tried to understand where they were coming from and to explain, in as heartfelt and honest a manner as I could, that I just wanted a photo of me nursing my son. None of that was enough. They'd already made their decision and that was that.
Well, no, that's not that. I have more to say to them. Here is the email I've written and am sending to them. I've already had S and optimystik look over the first email and they found absolutely nothing wrong with it and were as bewildered as I was with the response I got from the photographer and his wife. I've asked optimystik to look over this next email, and he had no problem with it, so I'm sending it.
Dear Pat,
I feel compelled to communicate further with you, though I have no idea how effective it will be or how my words will be taken.
I understand that you have had really negative experiences in the professional world with respect to Bill's work being stolen. I do not understand why you have not taken appropriate action against those who have copied his work. That makes no sense on a professional level. You're not protecting his work by avoiding litigious actions against those who have stolen his work. It also does nothing to protect his name and reputation in the field.
To that end, I do not feel that you have done a very good job of protecting his name and reputation with how you handled my email today. You said on the phone that no one else has had a problem with what you were offering as compensation. Why, then, if I am the *first* to change my mind about how I wanted to be compensated, would you not try to accommodate me? Why would you react in such a negative and volatile manner, saying that you never want to work with me again? It seems quite an over-the-top and hurtful response to me.
I feel that your reaction to my email was completely out of proportion to what was expected of a professional. What my email boiled down to was that I had changed my mind about the choice I had made and could I take the other option? I felt that your response was that of a little child shouting NO YOU CAN'T! and then tearing up all the photographs in a fit of rage. It left me more than bewildered, but I will address that in a moment.
I understand that when you've been burned several times, any sort of disagreement or misunderstanding may come across as more than what it is. I understand this intimately. It's like an abused animal believing it is cornered and being attacked, when no such thing is happening, and it's really just a grand misunderstanding. I am writing to help clarify what I perceive to be a grand misunderstanding.
After thinking about what happened today, I realised that the reason why I felt taken advantaged of was because it was not communicated to me that there were stipulations on what sort of compensatory photograph would be available to me until *after* I had posed nude for you and Bill. If I had known before disrobing that I would not be able to get nude photos of me nursing my son, I would not have posed nude for the book. That is the crux of where my dissatisfaction with the compensation lays. I know you did not set out to make me feel this way, but this was the end result.
I felt that if I let two complete strangers into my private dwelling, disrobe in front of them, and engage in the intimately nurturing act of nursing my son at my breast and allow photographs of that act to be taken by the strangers, then I should be able to decide what sort of compensatory photo I should get. I felt that the rules for what you would allow as compensation were not made clear at all until after I had put myself and my son in such a rather delicate and vulnerable position.
You are absolutely right that you gave me plenty of options, but the one option I ended up wanting was not available to me, and I was not made aware of that until *after* the photo session. May I suggest that you clarify this stipulation with every other model you offer compensatory photographs to? Please make certain that it is well understood that you only do clothed compensatory photographs before the first photo of the session is taken. It will save you trouble in the end. It certainly would have saved a lot of heartache today.
Additionally, I felt overwhelmed by all the photograph options available to me and then rushed both to make a decision about how the photograph should be setup (a shot "to my specifications") and then to decide which photograph to choose after ones were taken. It's unfair to expect anyone to be able to make such decisions about composition when they, themselves, are not photographers. I wanted a photo by Bill, not a photo by me taken by Bill. Does that make sense? He's the artist here, not me. I felt it was also unfair to expect anyone, let alone a mother of a toddler (who can barely think straight as it is due to sleep deprivation and other mental and emotional demands of parenting such a young child), to be able to make such a quick decision about a photograph based on a tiny thumbnail image that hasn't even been processed -- so who knows what the end result would be. With other photography modelling I've done, I've been able to look at contact sheets/proofs to choose and been given a reasonable amount of time (half an hour or so, at least) to deliberate.
Because I felt so overwhelmed, I felt it was the easiest option to ask for money. But after you left, I ended up feeling as though I had prostituted myself: I modelled nude for money, when I didn't want money at all; I wanted a photo. S---- kept saying after you left that she was sorry I didn't get the photo I had wanted. So I did what I thought would be best and emailed you to see what options might be available to me, since I was unhappy with *my* choice.
When you called and were quite angry, I couldn't understand why my email had garnered such a reaction. I've since asked multiple people for their input and every one of them has found no fault with the tone or wording of my email to you. And then, when you said that you never wanted to work with me again because of how negative things had turned out, I felt even more upset. When you said at the beginning of the phone conversation, "you just don't seem to understand..." you were right: I didn't understand. I stated that plainly in my email to you. I felt that clarification was in order, not being shut out. I was asking for clarification and you dismissed my questions outright and told me I was being negative. That doesn't make any sense.
When you said that you'd delete all the photos that Bill had taken of me and my son and that you weren't going to use me in your book, it felt very much like an attack on me personally. An unwarranted one, at that. I understand wanting to protect him and his work, but I don't think what I was asking for (clarification and a photograph I was happy with) was in the least bit unreasonable.
I felt that with such strong reactions to my email, it would have been more professional to have taken some time -- a few hours, maybe a full day or so -- to think things over so that you didn't end up making such rash decisions. When you said the photos were deleted, I felt cheapened, disrespected, ashamed and humiliated. Please don't do this to other models. It's very upsetting. Please take time to ponder your decisions before responding to something you find inflammatory. You will come across as more professional in your dealings if you do so. Even if you come to the same decisions, taking more time to think about them before making them final will look better to your clients. As it stands, I find your reactions today completely immature and childish. It makes me feel as though you were just looking for a reason not to use photos of the naked, hairy, dreadlocked chick who nurses her over-1-year-old son. I'm already an anomaly in everyday society and am rather self-conscious about that. Your actions today, in response to my email, made me feel downright ashamed of myself. Thanks.
To diverge from the personal issues I have with what happened today, I want to address just a couple of professional points.
You mentioned on the phone that you didn't think I understood the opportunity I was being given here to appear in one of Bill's books. May I suggest that you use a different approach? Using that attitude makes it seem as though you are doing me a favour, when *I* am modelling for *you*. A teacher is not a teacher unless she has students. It is a bidirectional relationship. You cannot have a book on the beauty of breastfeeding without models to photograph. If you have no models, you have no book. Please remember that.
While you were in my home, Bill mentioned that he is very protective of his nude work and would never post any of that work on the internet. However, there is a photo of a nude mother and child, the same photo as that on your worn business cards, on his website. This contradicts what he said in my home today. Maybe you don't consider that to be 'nude work', but the woman is topless and you can plainly see her breast. That's 'nude work' as far as most other people are concerned. Please be consistent.
Additionally, every other photographer I have ever modelled for has had the models sign the model release form *before* any photographs are taken. As well, the criticisms that S---- made about the release form that you provided were appropriate. There should be release forms that are specific to each type of work you do. They should be spelled out as thoroughly as possible, and if you verbalize self-imposed limitations, such as, "We will call you if we decide to use your photos for X," then that should also be in your release form. You can talk all you like, but if you don't have the paperwork to back it up, then it doesn't look good to the people you're working with.
I do hope you will take my words here as guidance to help you in your future endeavours. I feel unfairly pegged by you as a troublemaker, when I am no such thing. I feel your actions today on the phone were brash, unwarranted, and rather unprofessional, and you left me feeling quite awful. It does absolutely nothing to help your photography business to act in such a manner, and in fact, sullies your husband's name unnecessarily. He does excellent work, which is why I let you both into my home to photograph me with my son. But your bedside manner, so to speak, leaves a lot to be desired. By your reaction to me today, you took what could have been a positive and ongoing working relationship and made it irrevocably negative.
I wish you better luck in the future when dealing with adversity.
Peace to you,
[my name]
Man, all I want is a professional photo of me with my son and I don't want to have to prostitute myself to get it. This should not be so difficult!
On the upside, misslynx and I had a lovely and much-needed conversation today as a result of my dealings with the Ivys. I apologized to her in a teary heartfelt manner for being so horribly reactionary to her all these years and for all the emotional damage that it caused her. I've got so much to learn, but at least I'm learning. We're planning to get together for tea soon to talk more.