Overwhelmed and confused
It’s going to be a complicated week.
Tomorrow I have to go to the DMV to get my plates, title, and license switched over. I called them over the weekend to ask about a couple of things-namely the transfer of my title from the Indiana DMV to the Illinois one-and the lady was quite rude and actually hung up on me. Not looking forward to the trip and sorting things out.
Thursday I have my interview for the district visual position. The district manager is coming to my store to do so. I’m still conflicted about it, especially in light of new developments over this weekend in other aspects of my life. The fact that a great many people in my store-who have become like a family (albeit a dysfunctional one, but what family isn’t?)-want me to get the job because they think I’d be great at it is very flattering, and it shows that I’m moving forward in my career rather than “stagnating” as they call it. But…
I have always wanted, dreamed, and believed I was meant to be a science fiction and fantasy writer. Over the past...at least five years…that desire and ability has been pushed to the wayside in the name of survival. I’ve taken whatever jobs I can get to make ends meet. I got a Masters five years ago hoping to further my chances of a better paying position around something I love-books-with the hope for more inspiration with my own work, only to be turned down time and again and forced to take what I could get elsewhere. It took me seven years to get the job I currently have.
And it is a job, not a career. I’m good at it. Most of the time, it’s not so bad. But it’s not what I want to do. The “advancement” wouldn’t change that for me, though it may provide breathing room.
God put me here, even though I protested and fought and argued. I know why-I’m reminded every day in interactions with the people around me.
And now…
Here I am with this potential step up, and another development that have left me a confused, overwhelmed knot of thoughts and emotions.
Someone I used to care for has come back, wanting to repair our relationship and continue to develop it. He seems very sincere and has already made a long drive to visit-longer than when we first spent time together. Certainly shows me he’s serious and wants to fix things. The effort is something no one has offered me before, but something I knew I would need if someone wished to patch things up. The distance, however, may be our second undoing. I hope not. Another complication is both of us believe we’ve been plunked down in locations where God wants us. But then, the two of us crossing paths again could be argued the same.
Needless to say, life has suddenly become insanely tangled and complicated in the span of two weeks. Been praying a lot, and trying to sort things out in my head.
I had been so upset about my career and my difficulties in my personal life. Now something is happening in each. I hope both are good things, but I’m terrified this is another one of those tests I’ve faced my whole life and I’ll be unable to have what it looks like I’m meant to. I have wished for both for a long time, and always been told “no.” I don’t want this to be another taunt from things I can’t have. That happens far too often.