Poly
Wow, it's been forever since I posted in this thing. A few updates... just for the record.
Today, 4 June 2012, marks day 13 of my new count.
I've started actively living as polyamorous, rather than simply dreaming it.
That life ended abruptly about three days after it started.
My biggest "bitch" right now (as I keep referring to this as my "bitch blog"), is that I really feel like I want to maintain multiple relationships at the same level as each other. The word that keeps popping up is "core," or "primary," or "first." I don't like that. It makes me feel like my other relationships are lesser, somehow. Maybe it works for some people. I don't know if it'll work for me. I know first-hand what it's like to be demeaned and to have a relationship or feelings trampled over. I don't want to do that to other people.
Moreover, the more I think about it, the more I realize that while yes, I do want multiple relationships, I also don't want them to be in some sort of hierarchy, nor do I want to feel obligated to apply more effort and love and support into one than the others. I don't want to feel like I have a lover and an affair... I want to feel like I have two lovers.
To be honest, right now I feel very hurt by a couple of people that I love dearly. I can't speak to them right now, but I will do so at the soonest opportunity (hopefully writing this note out will help me remember to do so, so that I do not lash out at them harshly later without knowing why). The honest truth is that while yes, they have done research, and yes, they care for me and do their best to understand my feelings, they don't know how I feel. They don't understand it on an emotional level. And I felt both outnumbered and browbeat into accepting this idea of "core" and "branches" or whatnot. The more I thought about my second (using the word here as an ordinal, not as an indicator of priority) relationship, I realized that while yes, there are specific things I am looking for in it, that should not preclude me from simply loving that person, and/or being in a complete, fulfilling relationship with them.
I feel extremely restrained and shoehorned and stuffed into a box right now. I don't like this feeling. It makes me angry and upset and scared. I know that my life, my sexuality, my "lifestyle," whatever else it is, is not a choice (though one of the said people that has made me extremely upset claims that it is a choice and not part of my sexuality, and I am not sure how to reconcile this). However, I feel like I am being told that "it's okay to be poly, as long as you do it *this* way." Maybe that's the healthiest thing for them. I don't know if it's healthy for me.
I've been working on "me" for the past few months. I've been working on doing things for myself and living for myself. I'm hoping this doesn't hurt those that I love, but I don't see this making me happy in the long run. Maybe if I talk to my psychologist about this, things will help.
I think the biggest thing that I'm conflicted about right now is the idea that I should have a notion of "what I want" or "what I hope to get" out of my "branch" relationships. Yes, I think it's important to keep in check my partners' jealousy by keeping things in a balance, but what I want out of these relationships is love. I can't put a physical or tangible notion to it. I can't just say "I like playing games with person A" or "I enjoy person B's taste in art/music/movies/anime." It's more than that. It feels wrong to just say that, without including "I want to love person C and be with them and make them happy." Maybe the monogamous people need that reassurance of limitations, but it breaks my heart to say those words aloud. Why is the idea that we can get the same thing from multiple people (love, comfort, intimacy, whatever) so foreign? Why is it so taboo, so frightening, so scary?
Things to talk about to my current partner. And hopefully not delay the process of seeing my prospective/future partner any longer. -sighs-
Today, 4 June 2012, marks day 13 of my new count.
I've started actively living as polyamorous, rather than simply dreaming it.
That life ended abruptly about three days after it started.
My biggest "bitch" right now (as I keep referring to this as my "bitch blog"), is that I really feel like I want to maintain multiple relationships at the same level as each other. The word that keeps popping up is "core," or "primary," or "first." I don't like that. It makes me feel like my other relationships are lesser, somehow. Maybe it works for some people. I don't know if it'll work for me. I know first-hand what it's like to be demeaned and to have a relationship or feelings trampled over. I don't want to do that to other people.
Moreover, the more I think about it, the more I realize that while yes, I do want multiple relationships, I also don't want them to be in some sort of hierarchy, nor do I want to feel obligated to apply more effort and love and support into one than the others. I don't want to feel like I have a lover and an affair... I want to feel like I have two lovers.
To be honest, right now I feel very hurt by a couple of people that I love dearly. I can't speak to them right now, but I will do so at the soonest opportunity (hopefully writing this note out will help me remember to do so, so that I do not lash out at them harshly later without knowing why). The honest truth is that while yes, they have done research, and yes, they care for me and do their best to understand my feelings, they don't know how I feel. They don't understand it on an emotional level. And I felt both outnumbered and browbeat into accepting this idea of "core" and "branches" or whatnot. The more I thought about my second (using the word here as an ordinal, not as an indicator of priority) relationship, I realized that while yes, there are specific things I am looking for in it, that should not preclude me from simply loving that person, and/or being in a complete, fulfilling relationship with them.
I feel extremely restrained and shoehorned and stuffed into a box right now. I don't like this feeling. It makes me angry and upset and scared. I know that my life, my sexuality, my "lifestyle," whatever else it is, is not a choice (though one of the said people that has made me extremely upset claims that it is a choice and not part of my sexuality, and I am not sure how to reconcile this). However, I feel like I am being told that "it's okay to be poly, as long as you do it *this* way." Maybe that's the healthiest thing for them. I don't know if it's healthy for me.
I've been working on "me" for the past few months. I've been working on doing things for myself and living for myself. I'm hoping this doesn't hurt those that I love, but I don't see this making me happy in the long run. Maybe if I talk to my psychologist about this, things will help.
I think the biggest thing that I'm conflicted about right now is the idea that I should have a notion of "what I want" or "what I hope to get" out of my "branch" relationships. Yes, I think it's important to keep in check my partners' jealousy by keeping things in a balance, but what I want out of these relationships is love. I can't put a physical or tangible notion to it. I can't just say "I like playing games with person A" or "I enjoy person B's taste in art/music/movies/anime." It's more than that. It feels wrong to just say that, without including "I want to love person C and be with them and make them happy." Maybe the monogamous people need that reassurance of limitations, but it breaks my heart to say those words aloud. Why is the idea that we can get the same thing from multiple people (love, comfort, intimacy, whatever) so foreign? Why is it so taboo, so frightening, so scary?
Things to talk about to my current partner. And hopefully not delay the process of seeing my prospective/future partner any longer. -sighs-