state of the union birthday address
This is my biggest birthday ever. I mean that quite literally. I am the biggest I have ever been. I am gargantuan. I look like I've eaten birthday cake every single day last year, when in actuality I have yet to have any birthday cake. It's probably for the best that my belly button ring was forcefully ripped out of my flesh, since the rolls of fat would just hide it anyway.
Currently I'm the holiest I've ever been.
It's my birthday, and once again I'm faced with a sink full of dishes that need to be washed. I know they need to be washed, because little baby cockroaches are crawling all over them. Now, don't get any ideas about my housecleaning skills. There are cockroaches all over my apartment because the guys that usually spray cockroach kill-stuff didn't come this month. It's a sign that I am much more mature than when I turned twenty-one, because not only did I actually wash those motherfucking dishes on my birthday, I sang cheerful tunes while doing so.
I bought a lucky bamboo plant today. I hope it's potent. I wonder what happens if you kill a lucky bamboo plant. Does that mean you're cursed for life? I suppose it doesn't matter, because I definitely walked under a ladder the other day, and a certain black cat has crossed my path a number of times, usually begging for food.
On New Years, right as the clock was about to turn to midnight, I noticed a falling star. Now, I know the only reason I saw that star because there was supposed to be a meteor shower on January third, but I knew that it had to Mean Something. Shooting stars cannot realistically be expected to fall at opportune moments, except in movies. That shit doesn't happen every day. It's going to be a pretty big year, if I do say so myself. If you know what I mean.
Currently I'm the holiest I've ever been.
It's my birthday, and once again I'm faced with a sink full of dishes that need to be washed. I know they need to be washed, because little baby cockroaches are crawling all over them. Now, don't get any ideas about my housecleaning skills. There are cockroaches all over my apartment because the guys that usually spray cockroach kill-stuff didn't come this month. It's a sign that I am much more mature than when I turned twenty-one, because not only did I actually wash those motherfucking dishes on my birthday, I sang cheerful tunes while doing so.
I bought a lucky bamboo plant today. I hope it's potent. I wonder what happens if you kill a lucky bamboo plant. Does that mean you're cursed for life? I suppose it doesn't matter, because I definitely walked under a ladder the other day, and a certain black cat has crossed my path a number of times, usually begging for food.
On New Years, right as the clock was about to turn to midnight, I noticed a falling star. Now, I know the only reason I saw that star because there was supposed to be a meteor shower on January third, but I knew that it had to Mean Something. Shooting stars cannot realistically be expected to fall at opportune moments, except in movies. That shit doesn't happen every day. It's going to be a pretty big year, if I do say so myself. If you know what I mean.