The Jogger's Lament.
I wheezed along at a jog for an hour
Drops of sweat from my brow rained down like a shower.
Two hundred calories were burned as along I lumbered
Exactly what I deserved after eating two suppers.
For 3.5 miles these flat feet did tread
Then far past exhaustion, I collapsed in a pile of DEAD.
But then to myself I said, "Self, are you a jogger or not?
Pick yourself off the floor; retie those shoelace knots!"
And my self replied, "Sir, I must bring to your attention
That your empowering music is too loud! Not to mention
That the Stitch in your Side is feeling quite overworked.
Wouldn't you rather curl up in a chair and read a nice book?"
"But I can't!" I gasped, as I tripped over flapping Reebok laces.
"I'm improving myself; I've even got braces!
My second wind will come sometime, I'll go on even stronger.
Plus, the girl next to me has ran faster far longer!"
But my self responded sadly, "Just give it a rest.
You'll never be as skinny as that girl, or have quite as nice breasts.
Go home! Give it up! Jogging's not as fun as it seems.
Go sit on your fat ass and eat bowls of ice cream."
So I followed the advice of the voice in my head;
I went back to my room and ate doughnuts in bed.
I've got to say, this lifestyle suits me much better
Though I may never look quite as good in a sweater.
Drops of sweat from my brow rained down like a shower.
Two hundred calories were burned as along I lumbered
Exactly what I deserved after eating two suppers.
For 3.5 miles these flat feet did tread
Then far past exhaustion, I collapsed in a pile of DEAD.
But then to myself I said, "Self, are you a jogger or not?
Pick yourself off the floor; retie those shoelace knots!"
And my self replied, "Sir, I must bring to your attention
That your empowering music is too loud! Not to mention
That the Stitch in your Side is feeling quite overworked.
Wouldn't you rather curl up in a chair and read a nice book?"
"But I can't!" I gasped, as I tripped over flapping Reebok laces.
"I'm improving myself; I've even got braces!
My second wind will come sometime, I'll go on even stronger.
Plus, the girl next to me has ran faster far longer!"
But my self responded sadly, "Just give it a rest.
You'll never be as skinny as that girl, or have quite as nice breasts.
Go home! Give it up! Jogging's not as fun as it seems.
Go sit on your fat ass and eat bowls of ice cream."
So I followed the advice of the voice in my head;
I went back to my room and ate doughnuts in bed.
I've got to say, this lifestyle suits me much better
Though I may never look quite as good in a sweater.