(no subject)
So i know that noone really reads this livejournal anymore so its more just a self esteem rant to myself. Guess i just wanna get it out but don't really wanna say it to anyone i know.
Went to see a pre med advisor today. when i told her what i wanted out of life she kinda looked at me with that "its not going to happen look" but kept just saying that "Its a pretty optimistic goal I have". I kept saying that if i took it and tried and failed that at the very least i tried. I know that with my past grades it would look like i was a total flake. but really im not. i always feel like who i am on the inside isn't what is presented on the outside. I think i caught her off guard when i told her my plan. I did tell her that i would wanna go back and fix some of the grades i had and take it over again, but again she gave that dissatisfied look. It was a really awkward situation really because even though what she said was positive what was physically being displayed was the exact opposite. she said that i would have to really show my dedication through volunteer work and good grades now. and hope that i write a great essay.
I kinda just wanna cry and a big part of me currently just wants to give up and go home and kick myself for dreaming too big. but then another part of me says to suck it up and go on and prove the doubters wrong. but my biggest fear is that if i really do fail, i would just be literally letting not only myself down but the dreams of my mother, father, husband etc. and i know that someday my son will approach me with the questions as to why i failed.
when i work hard and don't get into some place i really beat myself up for it. I know that i shouldn't but thats just what happens.
Im ultimately am going to try but i fear the actual outcome. Will i be good enough to achieve my dream or has my past shot me in the foot?
Went to see a pre med advisor today. when i told her what i wanted out of life she kinda looked at me with that "its not going to happen look" but kept just saying that "Its a pretty optimistic goal I have". I kept saying that if i took it and tried and failed that at the very least i tried. I know that with my past grades it would look like i was a total flake. but really im not. i always feel like who i am on the inside isn't what is presented on the outside. I think i caught her off guard when i told her my plan. I did tell her that i would wanna go back and fix some of the grades i had and take it over again, but again she gave that dissatisfied look. It was a really awkward situation really because even though what she said was positive what was physically being displayed was the exact opposite. she said that i would have to really show my dedication through volunteer work and good grades now. and hope that i write a great essay.
I kinda just wanna cry and a big part of me currently just wants to give up and go home and kick myself for dreaming too big. but then another part of me says to suck it up and go on and prove the doubters wrong. but my biggest fear is that if i really do fail, i would just be literally letting not only myself down but the dreams of my mother, father, husband etc. and i know that someday my son will approach me with the questions as to why i failed.
when i work hard and don't get into some place i really beat myself up for it. I know that i shouldn't but thats just what happens.
Im ultimately am going to try but i fear the actual outcome. Will i be good enough to achieve my dream or has my past shot me in the foot?