the innerworkings of my mind are sometimes a scary thing...
and i go on long winded rants that are emotional because i'm nervous and unhappy. so bear with me. (besides, if you didn't want to read it, you wouldn't right? and keep in mind this was written at 4 in the morning with severe exhaustion and lack of sleep. be a spectator but don't vocalize or critcize por favor, because i'm not in the mood for it)
in watching mansfield partk, and then kinsey, sex is on my mind.
from the 1800's, where sex was repressed...
to the early to mid 1900's, where it was STILL repressed.
maybe even more so in the mid 1900's than it was in the 1800's.
because than you at least knew you were most likely in an arranged marriage any how and you were going to be repressed sexually no matter what.
but in the 40's and 50's the lines were not as black and white, there was a distinct gray line (if that makes any sense)
the lines were so confused...you didn't know what you were supposed to do and not supposed to do.
and now sex has not become an act of love (as it should be) in our society today, but more often than not an act of something because we were bored or being drunk and stupid and not thinking clearly.
i used to have better morals and a clear view of who i was and what i wanted when i was 17 and thought i had a clear grasp of the world.
but then...i got my heart broken. and i started drinking. and my rose colored glasses of the world disintegrated and i began to see the way it really was.
our society has degenerated mostly into a wild free for all in a lot of aspects...and it makes me sad. it makes me want to be 17 again and have a clear idea of what i wanted and what i expected in love and romance.
because at least then i felt i was worth something, not just a body.
because...at least with me....that is the what my relations with boys have degenerated into.
where did romance and love go?
iee...when watching mansfield park there was a line about "men with tight pants and good manners..."
and caroline replied, "yeah, where ARE the gentleman with tight pants and good manners?"
and heather and i were dicussing this very thing the other day...the 50's were good for few things, but they were good for at least one thing...chivalrous behavior by men, they treated women like ladies, and they tried to romance a girl.
where have all of those aspects gone?
and so, my point being boys, do not think because feminism exists, and women are more free and independent than they used to be, that gives you the right to treat me and people i know as if all i am worth is a body. and that because we have kissed before will kiss again.
because i am worth so much more than that.
so stop making me feel this way.
it is no wonder i am so disenchanted with love.
and it is no wonder i am so very confused at all times by the opposite sex.
i thought i understood boys, as i am friends with mostly boys.
but i don't understand them any more now than i ever did.
my head and heart are in a muddle.
i don't really know what made this rant come to life...
but sometimes my heart takes more than it can handle, and i don't know my head from my feet.
i just...don't know anymore.
i'm saddened by people and lack of beauty and love and lust for life in our world.
i don't blame anyone except myself for the mistakes i have made, nor do i have regrets for the things i have done...because i have learned from them all. so very much. and i would not take any of them back for anything.
but..i just...wanted to treated as i should be treated.
and i want to not be bitter and cynical about the aspect of love.
i wish to fall head over feet in love again someday....
but the thought of possibly falling head over feet in love again absolutely terrifies me, because i can't handle the thought of getting my heart broken even one more time.
and it terrifies me that at only 22 i am so cynical and bitter i feel as if though i WON'T ever be head over feet in love again.
and that is more than i can bear.
so whilst i am making a change in my world in many ways,
there are things i will not let loose without a great deal of caution. and one of those things is my heart.
maybe a little tugging of heart strings....maybe.
but for now, my heart is being kept under lock and key.
my heart is not willing to take a beating anytime soon.
as the rejects say quite rightly "please just don't play with me...my paper heart will bleed"
but i am not lost yet. there is a bright white light that burns inside of me, and that light is hope.
hope for beauty and truth and light and love and happiness everlasting.
i still wish on stars as i have done since i was a small girl in hometown usa where dreams and wishes were not frivolous things bound to never happen...
yes my dears these are the thoughts that keep me awake at night...
it's 4:00 in the morning...do you know what your kitty kat is thinking?
but don't read into things more than you should. read only what is written.
and don't get me wrong, i still have dreams about sex like every 20 something know...but i don't want sex to be a drunken debaucherous thing any more. i won't be loved for a night by anyone else.
i want it to be what it should be...and i want it to be with people who care for me as much as i care for them. and that is a rarety in our modern world.
and so i leave you with these words..." the greatest thing you'll ever know is to love and to be loved in return.." (yeah for moulin rouge)
and i do believe in a thing called love. i do oh i do.
ciao for now. too much introspectiveness is never a good thing.
xoxo
in watching mansfield partk, and then kinsey, sex is on my mind.
from the 1800's, where sex was repressed...
to the early to mid 1900's, where it was STILL repressed.
maybe even more so in the mid 1900's than it was in the 1800's.
because than you at least knew you were most likely in an arranged marriage any how and you were going to be repressed sexually no matter what.
but in the 40's and 50's the lines were not as black and white, there was a distinct gray line (if that makes any sense)
the lines were so confused...you didn't know what you were supposed to do and not supposed to do.
and now sex has not become an act of love (as it should be) in our society today, but more often than not an act of something because we were bored or being drunk and stupid and not thinking clearly.
i used to have better morals and a clear view of who i was and what i wanted when i was 17 and thought i had a clear grasp of the world.
but then...i got my heart broken. and i started drinking. and my rose colored glasses of the world disintegrated and i began to see the way it really was.
our society has degenerated mostly into a wild free for all in a lot of aspects...and it makes me sad. it makes me want to be 17 again and have a clear idea of what i wanted and what i expected in love and romance.
because at least then i felt i was worth something, not just a body.
because...at least with me....that is the what my relations with boys have degenerated into.
where did romance and love go?
iee...when watching mansfield park there was a line about "men with tight pants and good manners..."
and caroline replied, "yeah, where ARE the gentleman with tight pants and good manners?"
and heather and i were dicussing this very thing the other day...the 50's were good for few things, but they were good for at least one thing...chivalrous behavior by men, they treated women like ladies, and they tried to romance a girl.
where have all of those aspects gone?
and so, my point being boys, do not think because feminism exists, and women are more free and independent than they used to be, that gives you the right to treat me and people i know as if all i am worth is a body. and that because we have kissed before will kiss again.
because i am worth so much more than that.
so stop making me feel this way.
it is no wonder i am so disenchanted with love.
and it is no wonder i am so very confused at all times by the opposite sex.
i thought i understood boys, as i am friends with mostly boys.
but i don't understand them any more now than i ever did.
my head and heart are in a muddle.
i don't really know what made this rant come to life...
but sometimes my heart takes more than it can handle, and i don't know my head from my feet.
i just...don't know anymore.
i'm saddened by people and lack of beauty and love and lust for life in our world.
i don't blame anyone except myself for the mistakes i have made, nor do i have regrets for the things i have done...because i have learned from them all. so very much. and i would not take any of them back for anything.
but..i just...wanted to treated as i should be treated.
and i want to not be bitter and cynical about the aspect of love.
i wish to fall head over feet in love again someday....
but the thought of possibly falling head over feet in love again absolutely terrifies me, because i can't handle the thought of getting my heart broken even one more time.
and it terrifies me that at only 22 i am so cynical and bitter i feel as if though i WON'T ever be head over feet in love again.
and that is more than i can bear.
so whilst i am making a change in my world in many ways,
there are things i will not let loose without a great deal of caution. and one of those things is my heart.
maybe a little tugging of heart strings....maybe.
but for now, my heart is being kept under lock and key.
my heart is not willing to take a beating anytime soon.
as the rejects say quite rightly "please just don't play with me...my paper heart will bleed"
but i am not lost yet. there is a bright white light that burns inside of me, and that light is hope.
hope for beauty and truth and light and love and happiness everlasting.
i still wish on stars as i have done since i was a small girl in hometown usa where dreams and wishes were not frivolous things bound to never happen...
yes my dears these are the thoughts that keep me awake at night...
it's 4:00 in the morning...do you know what your kitty kat is thinking?
but don't read into things more than you should. read only what is written.
and don't get me wrong, i still have dreams about sex like every 20 something know...but i don't want sex to be a drunken debaucherous thing any more. i won't be loved for a night by anyone else.
i want it to be what it should be...and i want it to be with people who care for me as much as i care for them. and that is a rarety in our modern world.
and so i leave you with these words..." the greatest thing you'll ever know is to love and to be loved in return.." (yeah for moulin rouge)
and i do believe in a thing called love. i do oh i do.
ciao for now. too much introspectiveness is never a good thing.
xoxo