on the wrong side of the lens
So like I got pretty obsessed with the new Ghost album when I finally heard it a couple months ago and I was listening to it pretty much exclusively for two or three weeks lol. And I decided I wanted to be Papa Emeritus II for Halloween, but like MAMA EMERITUS and I was inspired by the idea of doing it like a naughty nun LOL. So like I had all these ideas in mind and everything but I was working a lot and didn't really have the time to put it together. I bought a couple things to move it along but I didn't get too elaborate and everything I wore was mostly stuff I owned already.
BUT THEN TURN OF EVENTS; I had to work on Halloween. =( I didn't think I could get out of CVS anyway so I didn't bother requesting off, and I figured even if I didn't have the overnight that I'd wind up getting out of CVS and then.......... having nothing to fucking do anyway. And then I wound up having my overnight job too. SO on Halloween I wound up watching Christine and then working for 13 hours. I did dress up as a cat because it was minimal and easy to wear to work and I had to do SOMETHING.
STILL I was very much intent on doing this Mama Emeritus costume so I got dressed up yesterday and went out with Celeste and modeled for her. She also modeled for me a little bit; not much because I was covered in facepaint and didn't want to get my camera all painty, but it was definitely an artistic exchange and collaboration.
I remember how, when I would visit Adrienne at the Writing Center, she'd tell all her coworkers "Guys! You should totally model sometime, I modeled for Kayla and it made me feel so good about myself! Everyone should try it!" and she had all these things to say about how positive it is to see yourself through someone else's lens, someone who doesn't see the flaws in you that you naturally see in yourself. I've always had that in mind. I'm not stranger to being photographed, and this is obvious because of my self portraits, but what a lot of people don't understand is that self portraiture isn't about vanity; it's about reflection. Self portraits made me feel less vain, in fact. They often made me feel more unattractive than I'd ever felt in my life. They're philosophical and explorative and difficult.
It's been a long time since I've been interested in self portraits. The last few times I even tried I just wasn't even feeling it. This comes and goes for me, and has for most of my time as a photographer. For the past year or so I've been completely disinterested in it. I'm sick of looking at myself and I'm sick of how limited I feel by self portraits. They've become challenging, but not in an exhilarating creative way, just in that they're a complete pain in my ass.
BUT YOU KNOW. I felt like I really wanted to dress up in this costume, and maybe in the past I would've felt open to self portraits, but I had other visual ideas for it that were best in other hands. So I decided to recruit Celeste because she's my favorite local photographer that I know, and her forte is just making women look beautiful and I was looking forward to that lol.
It was weird approaching it, I don't think I was outright nervous, but ... I was a little apprehensive on the inside. Not enough that I would back out of it, just that I was having a lot of ~thoughts and feels~ about what modeling would be like. I was looking forward to it though. I kept thinking about what Adrienne said--how modeling will make you feel really good about yourself. I don't think I really needed a boost in self-esteem or anything but that can't hurt. I was more interested in doing it just as a reverse experience, because it helps to have empathy for my own models. So that I can know how it feels to be on the other side.
What's funny, and what I wasn't expecting, was how much my models had already had this reverse effect on me. I found myself automatically changing my head poses, or my eyes, between shots, which I think I picked up on from Arwen and Melissa and a few others. I didn't realize I was doing it. Maybe it wasn't even that different from posing for myself, anyway. It was strange to be in these elaborate pictures without having taken them myself like I have in the past, and to have given up the control.
I want to try it again sometime when I'm not in costume. I think there was an emotional barrier here because I was thinking of myself as a character, and I don't necessarily that these are photos of me. In a strictly objective way, of course they are, and even if we see past the costume and see the human being inside it's still a portrait of some chick who likes metal enough to dress up as Papa lol. But my artistic intentions were different. I've always been the most honest with myself emotionally when I was doing self portraits, it was always the easiest way for me to express myself. So I'd be curious to see how it would go if I tried modeling again without all the theatricality and lulz. I don't know if I'm brave enough to do it yet, but I'll try eventually.
So.
All in all it was a really fun experience. Celeste and I always have fun together and I have a big hardon for autumn colors, so this worked out well. I'm pretty happy with how these all came out. I didn't want to post too many photos cause that makes me feel egotistical and uncomfortable but I just picked a few to share. Some of them are like joke shots of down time and stuff. Alternately I'd considered posting more and then just titling the entry "gratuitous titty post" but instead I decided to be a little more thoughtful. :)
OH AND OBVIOUSLY THERE ARE A FEW MORE ON FACEBOOK LOL.
Here's one of Celeste and her boyfriend, he's her assistant (read: bag holder) and he always tries to tag along when we hang out cause he's metal and thinks I'm cool or something LOL.
I have to edit a bunch more of Celeste & Ryan, they'll be on FB in the next couple days I guess. I'm just feeling lazy right now and don't want to. Probably on my break at work later tonight.