Special Projects
The last class I'm taking for my Associate's is called Special Projects in Digital Photography. On the Riverhead campus I had the impression that the way the professor taught it was the same way he taught Experimental Digital Photography, which I took with him. It was basically a completely concept driven class, not much "learning" really, it was very short lectures about helpful techniques but all the work was basically concepts we were given and had the freedom to interpret the way we wanted. Sometimes there were rules, like for one of them (this one) we were supposed to do something physical to a print, and then re-photograph it for a final 2D image. There were others like we were supposed to interpret The Four Seasons or The Four Elements. It was a really awesome class. I enjoyed the creative challenge but I also enjoyed that it wasn't so strict on instruction, that I was given a lot of creative freedom within each assignment. So as far as I knew, he taught Special Projects in a similar way, with creative concepts.
However, I'm taking it at the Grant campus and instead of all these weird "special projects", it looks like it's actually following the catalog description: The student will work on an individual photographic project as arranged by student and instructor.
We've been asked to pick a theme or a subject and shoot only that subject. Nothing too specific so that we can leave room for it to evolve. The professor used the example that maybe you pick Cars, and start off shooting cars, but maybe by the end you're making it about pollution or gas prices. Every couple weeks we'll be doing updates with critiques to see where we are and get feedback on where we should take it. At the end we have to order a book of them printed.
I'm pretty excited about it I think. I think I'm kind of intimidated and thinking about it exhausts me. I like the idea of shooting themes and series a lot. I love that idea actually. But, I like that idea when it's my own work, on the side, for art or for fun. I'm being a baby about having to do it for school. I don't like being forced into projects, as weird as that sounds coming from a photo student lol. Meaning that in other classes there's been more variety or freedom. I'm sure my ideas will evolve and change--which is a good thing--but I hope I don't get sick of it after a couple months.
Whenever I'm in a class and we're introduced to a project or concept, I usually have an immediate instinctual idea and know exactly what I want to do. My mind usually takes off pretty quickly. I'm struggling with the task of picking a theme for this class without getting too ahead of myself or without limiting myself by being too specific. I also feel like I can see an evolution already even though I didn't start it yet and I don't want to do that to myself either. I want any evolution to be organic. At the same time, is it fair for me to keep a couple ideas tucked away for the end in case I dry out?
My immediate idea is that I want to shoot phobias and fears. I was thinking that I want to do more dark art that doesn't involve the same theatrical quality. I want more atmosphere. I've never made horror art only for the sake of being gory or gratuitous. I aim to make art that is provocative, but not because it's offensive. Provocative in the way that it provokes thoughts and feelings and fears. I like confronting people with uncomfortable images, but not uncomfortable because they're gross or distasteful. I've turned down ideas that people have come to me with in the past because I didn't see the symbolic appeal.
So I want to provoke fears and secrets and the dark things we keep hidden about ourselves. I'm not trying to just get cheap shocks out of anyone, I think that's tacky. And even when I was getting started in photography, most of my work did have a personal meaning, even if I didn't know how to communicate it. You can take probably any of my old gory horror work and I probably have a backstory for it.
I'm thinking for my Special Project I want to do a series about fear. I want to do anything involving fear, from cheesy common phobias (clowns, spiders) to creepy uncomfortable phobias (small spaces, the dark) and maybe opening up into personal anxieties, exposed insecurities and surreal depictions of nightmares. I have a lot of ideas right now and I feel pretty inspired by it. It might even become self-reflective and cathartic. I can only hope.
I constantly struggle with the thought that my anxiety will prevent me from pursuing photography the way I want to. Today I looked up one of my new classmates and she's amazing and I felt so disheartened. It isn't even about the talent, it's about how outgoing and unafraid she is to find models and locations and I don't have that. I miss opportunities because I'm so crippled by fear. I have an imagined future where I force myself into leaving comfort zones, for example, when I go away to school I like to think that I will be forced to make new friends and be more social and as my photography education becomes more in-depth I will be forced to find more models and more locations. I can only compare it to other aspects of anxiety that I've conquered, where it took years and bravery and energy. If I give it enough time I think I can heal myself.
But it's something that worries me. All the time. Weekly, daily.
I like dark art because I'm morbid and metal and it's what I like on the surface, but I think there's such a deep spiritual connection to it because I live my life in constant fear. I don't usually call it that. I call it shyness or anxiety or illness or bullshit but it's really just fear.