dead by the winter
Ughghgh. My mood lately has been constantly not very good. The feeling is simmilar to imagining laying down deep deep in the woods during a quiet snowstorm where eveything but the light wind and falling snow is muffled. You just lay down in the snow, close your eyes, and just let the snow bury you. It's this encapsulating feel that the music I've been listening to and wanting to listen to more of lately evokes. Coldness, ambience, desolate, but beautiful at the same time. i'm not sure why I'm feeling this way, but when no one's home or people are doign work, I just end up sitting around doing nothing. I feel like I should be doing things, especially art things, but I'm not. I don't even end up talking to people that much.
I think it's totally lame, but it may have to do with relationship shit. With the previous Michelle thing not working out, while at the same time kind of coming to realize she wasn't AS cool as I thought before, and realizing my prospects are somewhat low or I'm just totally ambivalent about any prospects I do have, as well as the one person I would be very excited about pursuing most likely not being an option, I really feel out of luck and, stupidly, lonely. I end up looking at myself and picking out all the negative aspects of my appearance. I want someone who will inspire me or I can just do little art projects with and then just nap with and put on some Jesu or MBV in the background. maybe drink some tea with. I'm not usually like this.
I was constantly happy and positive not too long ago. I don't know what it is now. Such depressive thoughts going through my head (not intelligent, not talented, not hardworking. who knows if any of that is even valid). It's really stupid. I feel such a sense of ennui or something, which is totally bogus. I frankly feel as if it will be a long time before I end up in a relationship. I can only hope this shit passes. I need to feel motivated.
I think it's totally lame, but it may have to do with relationship shit. With the previous Michelle thing not working out, while at the same time kind of coming to realize she wasn't AS cool as I thought before, and realizing my prospects are somewhat low or I'm just totally ambivalent about any prospects I do have, as well as the one person I would be very excited about pursuing most likely not being an option, I really feel out of luck and, stupidly, lonely. I end up looking at myself and picking out all the negative aspects of my appearance. I want someone who will inspire me or I can just do little art projects with and then just nap with and put on some Jesu or MBV in the background. maybe drink some tea with. I'm not usually like this.
I was constantly happy and positive not too long ago. I don't know what it is now. Such depressive thoughts going through my head (not intelligent, not talented, not hardworking. who knows if any of that is even valid). It's really stupid. I feel such a sense of ennui or something, which is totally bogus. I frankly feel as if it will be a long time before I end up in a relationship. I can only hope this shit passes. I need to feel motivated.