(no subject)
I have no reason, no reason whatsoever other than in condemnation for other's deeds. Even knowing this, knowing the logic of how difficult or anything really. My ability to trust is so shaken. Odd that I didn't have this feeling of absolute fear (fear yes, but to this degree, no) with any dom but then that was physical trust, this is emotional. I can handle something bad happening to my body, I've done bad enough to myself to make that point somewhat mute, but I really don't know how I could survive more heart ache.
Why does my heart break before its time?
Is it just intuition and paranoia that drives me to start the process early so when the real hurt comes it won't be as bad?
Of course.
Why do I question my motives when they're so painfully obvious...
I try to blank my mind and not think about or at least not show my discomfort. Like I said, he's done nothing to deserve this distrust but be with me. But I just want to enjoy myself, enjoy him and the times we have.
My hope is that overtime (see my optimism with my belief there is an overtime, I can have pleasant thoughts) I will get over this fear. I just need someone who is patient... or pitifully oblivious ^_^... either way works I suppose.
Until then he is sweet and being with him has done a lot of good for my social anxiety. We are going to a party tonight that my friends are throwing and this will be the real test. Its easy being on his arm or sometimes tagging along with someone else but I have to be the one to make introductions and guide him. I'm nervous.. I hope the nervousness doesn't get the better of me. I think I'll survive it. I just hope he has fun and likes my peeps and vice versa. I hope he has fun. I hope I have fun too.
Why does my heart break before its time?
Is it just intuition and paranoia that drives me to start the process early so when the real hurt comes it won't be as bad?
Of course.
Why do I question my motives when they're so painfully obvious...
I try to blank my mind and not think about or at least not show my discomfort. Like I said, he's done nothing to deserve this distrust but be with me. But I just want to enjoy myself, enjoy him and the times we have.
My hope is that overtime (see my optimism with my belief there is an overtime, I can have pleasant thoughts) I will get over this fear. I just need someone who is patient... or pitifully oblivious ^_^... either way works I suppose.
Until then he is sweet and being with him has done a lot of good for my social anxiety. We are going to a party tonight that my friends are throwing and this will be the real test. Its easy being on his arm or sometimes tagging along with someone else but I have to be the one to make introductions and guide him. I'm nervous.. I hope the nervousness doesn't get the better of me. I think I'll survive it. I just hope he has fun and likes my peeps and vice versa. I hope he has fun. I hope I have fun too.