disappointment...
not major disappointment. just...yeah... a bit disappointed in the whole weekend. came to a lot of realizations about love, life, boys, taiko, me, and problems i have with myself. yes there were definitely high points. but overall i feel kind of bleh.
so thursday was great. ended up going to the funeral by myself which was a bit nyekkin, but i really wanted to go, especially cuz i knew how much it meant to him. came home, studied while y napped for a bit. went downtown & to the market, fun tourist stuff. dinner w/ the family. rented city of god. had a nice, chill night together.
friday i had school, lunch & a walk & talk w/ y, then picked up b from the airport. off to the taiko gathering to help set up and stuff for the weekend. purple dot after getting rejected from pho cuz of a car on fire. crazy scene.
up at the ass crack of dawn on saturday, seattle center by 730 to move drums around. workshops, concert, banquet. it was tough. old drama from the past in close proximity, i'm not ready to deal. who knows if i ever will be able to. it upsets me, and it upsets me that i let it upset me. y was not being supportive, he doesn't get it, and i hate that it had to cause an argument between the two of us. only one person in the world understands how i feel about that shit so i called him and i felt better after a 5 minute vent session. went to luau to have drinks to celebrate t's bday. thats what i needed. black opal, crown & coke, all smiles after that. dicks, sleep.
dance workshop sunday morning, closing session, lunch. nap w/ y, dinner w/ the fam, study for nihongo test. juicy w/ everyone, had a great time. what a pleasant surprise. came home, studied some more while slightly faded still. little weird. woke up, went to school, lunch w/ t & y, cooked dinner w/ y, final dinner w/ everyone, and off to the airport.
i feel a little lost. i don't know it's weird. so many things are going through my head right now. i guess it was a good weekend for me in that it made me realize a lot of things. some, because they kicked me in the ass and that sucked. whatever. i guess i learned a lot about myself, how i deal with drama, how i deal with trauma, why some things just bother me more than anything in the world. nothing else makes me feel that way. and i hate it.
and i'm all over the place. whatever. i need to sort a lot of shit out.
overall, glad y came through. it's just kind of the same vibe it was when i went down there to visit him. it's just not the same, and i just think maybe we're not good in any other context. when we were good, we were so, so good. the lifestyle accomodated and contributed to it. it was the shit. god damn it was the shit. i wouldn't trade that period in my life for anything. the best of so many worlds. then i went back just to visit, and it was different. not tp stuff, but still la. then he comes here, and it's all different. the seattle taiko community, my house, not l.a., and not tp. the more time that passes, and the more different it gets, the harder it gets. and i think our connection is just not strong enough to evolve with different lifestyles.
so, i guess that's just how it goes.
so thursday was great. ended up going to the funeral by myself which was a bit nyekkin, but i really wanted to go, especially cuz i knew how much it meant to him. came home, studied while y napped for a bit. went downtown & to the market, fun tourist stuff. dinner w/ the family. rented city of god. had a nice, chill night together.
friday i had school, lunch & a walk & talk w/ y, then picked up b from the airport. off to the taiko gathering to help set up and stuff for the weekend. purple dot after getting rejected from pho cuz of a car on fire. crazy scene.
up at the ass crack of dawn on saturday, seattle center by 730 to move drums around. workshops, concert, banquet. it was tough. old drama from the past in close proximity, i'm not ready to deal. who knows if i ever will be able to. it upsets me, and it upsets me that i let it upset me. y was not being supportive, he doesn't get it, and i hate that it had to cause an argument between the two of us. only one person in the world understands how i feel about that shit so i called him and i felt better after a 5 minute vent session. went to luau to have drinks to celebrate t's bday. thats what i needed. black opal, crown & coke, all smiles after that. dicks, sleep.
dance workshop sunday morning, closing session, lunch. nap w/ y, dinner w/ the fam, study for nihongo test. juicy w/ everyone, had a great time. what a pleasant surprise. came home, studied some more while slightly faded still. little weird. woke up, went to school, lunch w/ t & y, cooked dinner w/ y, final dinner w/ everyone, and off to the airport.
i feel a little lost. i don't know it's weird. so many things are going through my head right now. i guess it was a good weekend for me in that it made me realize a lot of things. some, because they kicked me in the ass and that sucked. whatever. i guess i learned a lot about myself, how i deal with drama, how i deal with trauma, why some things just bother me more than anything in the world. nothing else makes me feel that way. and i hate it.
and i'm all over the place. whatever. i need to sort a lot of shit out.
overall, glad y came through. it's just kind of the same vibe it was when i went down there to visit him. it's just not the same, and i just think maybe we're not good in any other context. when we were good, we were so, so good. the lifestyle accomodated and contributed to it. it was the shit. god damn it was the shit. i wouldn't trade that period in my life for anything. the best of so many worlds. then i went back just to visit, and it was different. not tp stuff, but still la. then he comes here, and it's all different. the seattle taiko community, my house, not l.a., and not tp. the more time that passes, and the more different it gets, the harder it gets. and i think our connection is just not strong enough to evolve with different lifestyles.
so, i guess that's just how it goes.