Frustrations
You know, it's been almost three years since the whole diagnosis/surgery/treatment thing. I like to think that, for the most part, I've come to terms with it, that I've accepted the consequences thereof as a normal part of my new life. However, there are some days that I still get pissed off about it. Like today.
I woke up before my alarm went off this morning because I was coughing up a lung. I have been sick with some sort of cold/upper respiratory infection/flu/whatever the hell you want to call it almost constantly since the beginning of September. It's not that I'm a normally sickly person, but the RA drugs suppress my immune system, so every single little bug that the kids bring home from school knocks me down. The rest of the family either doesn't get sick at all, or is sick for a day. Other people don't get sick from me. It's just me getting sick. It's having no immune system. I do the things I'm supposed to - hand washing, wiping down the cart at the grocery, using hand sanitizer when I'm out (and home), making the kids wash their hands when they get home, etc, but the fact of the matter is, you can't avoid germs unless you live in a sterile environment. Coming in contact with germs makes me sick. This is my normal. And it pisses me off.
Is it not enough to have survived one round of cancer? No? Then how about surviving a round of cancer and having the organ that controls my metabolism removed? No? Still not enough? What about surviving a round of cancer, having 3 organs and 10 lymph nodes removed and being given a large dose of what largely amounts to radioactive waste, then finding out that my immune system is systematically attacking my joints? Is it not enough? Give me a break, for crap's sake! When will enough be enough? Because I just don't know how much more I can take. I'm tired of having to explain why I'm sick, and why even though I'm sick, chances are you're fine around me because the strain of whatever I have is so weak that normal people don't get affected by it. I'm sick of having to explain why I'm so run down, tired and looking suddenly older than I am instead of looking younger than I am, like I did BC (before cancer).
I'm whining. I know it. I'm sorry. But if you've read this, you either actually care about me, or you're a masochist. Today is a pissed off day, though.
I woke up before my alarm went off this morning because I was coughing up a lung. I have been sick with some sort of cold/upper respiratory infection/flu/whatever the hell you want to call it almost constantly since the beginning of September. It's not that I'm a normally sickly person, but the RA drugs suppress my immune system, so every single little bug that the kids bring home from school knocks me down. The rest of the family either doesn't get sick at all, or is sick for a day. Other people don't get sick from me. It's just me getting sick. It's having no immune system. I do the things I'm supposed to - hand washing, wiping down the cart at the grocery, using hand sanitizer when I'm out (and home), making the kids wash their hands when they get home, etc, but the fact of the matter is, you can't avoid germs unless you live in a sterile environment. Coming in contact with germs makes me sick. This is my normal. And it pisses me off.
Is it not enough to have survived one round of cancer? No? Then how about surviving a round of cancer and having the organ that controls my metabolism removed? No? Still not enough? What about surviving a round of cancer, having 3 organs and 10 lymph nodes removed and being given a large dose of what largely amounts to radioactive waste, then finding out that my immune system is systematically attacking my joints? Is it not enough? Give me a break, for crap's sake! When will enough be enough? Because I just don't know how much more I can take. I'm tired of having to explain why I'm sick, and why even though I'm sick, chances are you're fine around me because the strain of whatever I have is so weak that normal people don't get affected by it. I'm sick of having to explain why I'm so run down, tired and looking suddenly older than I am instead of looking younger than I am, like I did BC (before cancer).
I'm whining. I know it. I'm sorry. But if you've read this, you either actually care about me, or you're a masochist. Today is a pissed off day, though.