FIC: Guilt and Consequences, Zelenka/McKay FRM

[kerry_louise]

Title: Guilt and Consequences
Author: Kez
Fandom: Stargate: Atlantis
Pairing: Zelenka/McKay
Rating: R/FRM (for content not smut)
Category: Angst, drama, h/c

Summary: Post-Trinity. McKay quits, leaving Zelenka to fill his position, with unforeseen consequences.

Disclaimer: I don't own these characters. I don't own anything except for a really wacky muse and a temperamental computer. I am making no money from this, as my bank balance can more than attest.

Notes: Written as part of the Zelenka Ficathon, for rosewildeirish. Who wanted either Zelenka/Weir or Zelenka/McKay... clearly since I'm a slasher, I did the Zelenka McKay. Many, many, many thanks to maria8475, jo_zed_pee_em, sgatlantislight and most especially scifibitch all of whom listened to my whining and complaining as this drove me crazy (naturally I just had to draw one of the best Zelenka/McKay writers in the whole fandom, yah becuz that wouldn't give me a complex!) and scifibitch who beta'd it for me.

Archiving: M*I*M*E, Wraithbait. Others please ask permission first.



What exactly he expected, McKay wasn't sure. He knew, even before he'd managed to track Sheppard down, 'sorry' just wasn't going to cut it. It hadn't with Weir, or Zelenka, so why would it with Sheppard. Especially considering, he'd almost been blown up by McKay's mistakes. McKay had tried though, he had to try, because Sheppard had stood before him with Weir, trusted him when he'd asked him and the very least McKay owed him now, was an apology. No matter how unworthy he was of being forgiven.

Still it was done now and McKay tried to tell himself that was it, all over, done and dusted. But he felt tight and cold inside and he knew, there would always be doubt now, with everything he did, there would always be doubt.

Not that he hadn't made mistakes before, few though they were and he was loath to admit them, but this had cost a man his life, this had very nearly cost his and Sheppard's lives, because he was obstinate and conceited, he'd refused to listen to reason, to anyone else's opinions, he swore, he'd never make that mistake again, if he only survived the fall out from this one.

On a normal day, at least what passed for normal on Atlantis, McKay would head to the labs now. It was still reasonably early and he had work to do, that was in no way related to blowing things up, but the idea of facing his science team made him nauseous. He knew he'd have to face them eventually, but it was just too much right now. Instead he slunk towards his room, hoping he wouldn't run into anyone along the way, he just couldn't stand anymore of the disappointed, disapproving stares.

There was more than enough in his quarters to keep him busy. Paperwork, without actual paper, but Weir still insisted it be done. Hundreds of pages of notes on his laptops hard drive that needed to be sorted and ordered into something other people could understand. The sort of thing he should really keep on top of in case one day he didn't come back from a mission and then Zelenka would need those notes.

McKay didn't even have to think twice about who it would be that would fill his position on Atlantis if he died. Zelenka was the only one he'd ever trust enough to do it.

Thinking about Zelenka made his chest tight. The look of pain in the Czech's eyes when McKay had tried to apologise. It was too much. He'd screwed up too badly, made Zelenka think he didn't trust him, didn't respect his opinion, which couldn't be further from the truth but how to make him see that, McKay didn't know.

It wasn't even dark when he gave up the pretence of working, he just couldn't concentrate, couldn't make his brain function for him, everything was a horrible, jumbled mess. As he lay in bed, hours later, not sleeping, McKay felt unable to breathe, under the oppressive feeling of failure, the likes of which he'd never felt before. The salty taste on his lips, McKay resolutely told himself, was not from tears.

*~*~*~*~*

Radek Zelenka never considered himself the type of man to hold a grudge, but today, he thought he was entirely justified.

When he'd first come to Atlantis, despite having worked with McKay for several months, he hadn't actually worked *with* him much and didn't really care what McKay said or thought about him, but in the year and a half they'd gotten to know each other on Atlantis, Zelenka had thought McKay had come to respect him, even it like him. How wrong had he been?

He didn't mind really that McKay had accused him of being jealous, they were scientists and even as friends some level of competition was expected, but even thought that he always thought he'd had the other mans respect and now it was obvious, he didn't.

Zelenka wished he could say though, it was purely professional aggravation that was affecting him now, but his hurt was far more personal than professional. Ignoring professional respect and companionship he'd truly believed McKay *liked* him, honestly cared about him and his opinions. He knew McKay didn't like many people, but Zelenka had counted himself among those few since the hours they had spent working together to help save the city from the Wraith during the siege and now that belief had been crushed.

McKay had cast him aside like... like he was nothing. Less than. Well that was fine, if that’s how McKay wanted to be, Zelenka could be like that too. McKay was a conceited, narcissistic, actually Zelenka didn't think he had enough adjectives to describe what he thought about McKay right now, but it didn't really matter, because as far as he was concerned from now on McKay was nothing, less than nothing, to him.

They had to work together, but beyond that, he wanted nothing to do with him. He simply would not care about Rodney McKay anymore. He simply refused.

*~*~*~*~*

It was completely dark. Not even a single glimmer of light. McKay felt out in front of him, feeling something, something like an ancient console and then there was light.

Everywhere bustling activity, himself in the middle of it all, it takes less than a second for his brain to process where he is. Doranda.

"Radek, talk to me."

McKay hears himself, knows what this is, the first test. Collins. McKay snorts, of course he'd have nightmares about this, he'd expected as much. He supposes it should be more horrifying, watching this, probably over and over, but it wasn't really that bad.

"I said it's fine. Sheppard, see if you can boost more power to the field manually."

"*What?*" McKay snapped to attention, seeing Sheppard going into the command access tube.

"No, No, No! Sheppard doesn't know how to... this is crazy I'd never..." McKay shouted at himself, but no-one reacted. Daringly he stood in front of the command access tube, looking through the small window.

Sheppard's scream was deafening.

Darkness again, until he reached out to touch the console and then it was light, bright, people moving around quickly and his own voice giving out new orders.

"I said it's fine. Elizabeth, see if you can boost more power to the field manually."

"I said it's fine. Carson, see if you can boost more power to the field manually."

"I said it's fine. Radek, see if you can boost more power to the field manually."

McKay screamed himself horse, tears in his eyes as he shot up in bed, damp with sweat. Shivering he lays back down, eyes unseeing through the gathering tears, he lays there awake until morning.

*~*~*~*~*

Going to breakfast seems like the right thing to do, even though he hates the idea of facing other people and that in itself makes him feel miserable. But he gets up and showers and brushes his teeth, combs his hair, makes a good show of it being a regular morning, even taking the time to shave properly, before he pulls on his uniform and heads for the mess hall.

He knows its got to be his imagination, but he still feels like every pair of eyes in the whole place is on him when he enters, grabbing the first none-citrus type thing he sees for breakfast without even noticing what it is.

The team are all sitting together and McKay almost feels sick, going to join them, but he musters himself and sits down beside Ronon, who grunts at him vaguely but doesn't really say anything. Sheppard and Teyla make no sound, but McKay can feel the disappointment all the way down to his boots.

Forcing a few bites of whatever the food in his bowl is... he thinks it's the Athosian version of oatmeal, takes a lot more energy than he's use to expending on eating. Food is supposed to *give* energy, but McKay feels like every mouthful is draining him, like the weight of disappointed eyes all around him.

He doesn't even finish half the bowl before he's muttering nonsensical excuses that no one is really listening to anyway and rushing to hide out in his quarters again, tell himself all along, it isn't really hiding out; he has work there to be done, he'll check in on the labs after lunch.

*~*~*~*~*

Three days pass with no one really talking about what happened. Zelenka knows everyone is *thinking* about it, but no one says anything out loud and life on Atlantis returns to what passes for normal. Sort of.

McKay spends little time in the labs, but Zelenka doesn't mind, the less he sees him the quicker he'll adapt to ignoring him. It works well, as a plan, for a few days, until McKay turns up in the labs, black circles under his eyes, but babbling eagerly about something Lorne's team found off-world.

Zelenka for a moment, wants to get caught up in the excitement, it seems almost like the old McKay for a moment and it would be very easy to forgive and forget and spend the next few hours or days working side by side with McKay. But he is resolute and tries to tell himself, he does not feel guilty as he tells McKay, he is far to busy with his own projects to help.

It wouldn't work anyway, he'd only spend the whole time reminding himself how McKay has no respect for him and that would accomplish nothing.

If he or anyone else notices how McKay palms the device onto Optican no one says anything and Zelenka resolutely tells himself he does not feel guilty, not even a little, for the look of dejection McKay sported on his way out the door.

*~*~*~*~*

It's almost a week after Doranda when Zelenka really allows himself to see, or at least admit he's seeing McKay's current state of being. He hands assignments out without insults or threats about what will happen if the job isn't done well. And, it is, unfortunately glaringly obvious that McKay hasn't been sleeping or eating.

Zelenka tries to tell himself, it isn't his problem. Except of course that even if he were to convince himself that it personally was of no consequence to him, his nagging professionalism is ringing loudly in his ears.

Like this, McKay presents a danger.

Doranda.

It springs unbidden to his mind, but it’s a valid concern, Zelenka doesn't want anyone else to die. He doesn't really believe they will though, even sleep deprived McKay is still a genius. The Siege of Atlantis proved that. Doranda was ego, not physical or mental exhaustion, still, it was dangerous to have the chief scientist running on empty.

Zelenka told himself, that keeping an eye was the proper and professional thing to do. It in no way indicated concern for McKay's health, only for the safety of the expedition.

*~*~*~*~*

McKay shot up in bed shivering, again. He glanced at the clock, the image of Teyla burned, smoke rising from her body still in front of his eyes, even though the nightmare had ended. It was a little after two in the morning. He'd been asleep about an hour.

His head pounded, nausea making him dizzy even though he was sitting. McKay flopped backwards. He wouldn't sleep now, but he desperately needed to. McKay wasn't blind, he knew people had noticed he wasn't sleeping; he was surprised Sheppard hadn't called him on it. He needed to do something, they were scheduled to go off-world on a couple of days, he wanted Sheppard to be confident that McKay could handle it and that wouldn't happen if he looked half asleep.

Forcing himself to get up, he pulled his jacket on and headed to the infirmary. Hopefully he'd be able to convince someone to give him something to help him sleep.

McKay was surprised to find Beckett still in his office; he'd hoped to avoid the prying questions the Scottish Doctor always seemed to ask.

"Rodney, what can I do for you?" Beckett asked.

"I have a headache, need something to help me sleep," Rodney said, silently begging and pleading with a higher power he didn't believe in that Beckett wouldn't pry.

"How long have you had it?" Beckett asked. McKay shrugged. "Rodney," Beckett glared.

"A few days. Can I please just have something, I have a lot to do tomorrow, I need some sleep," McKay said.

"I'll give you something for now, but you'll come back and see me tomorrow, I know you haven't been sleeping well," Beckett said.

"No, I won't come back tomorrow; I have too much to do. It's just a headache, I'm fine," McKay said.

"Rodney, you are not fine. You've been though a lot..."

"I'm fine! I haven't been through anything worse than anyone else, except, I killed a man. If a headache is the worst I have to suffer from that... forget it, I'll count sheep or something," McKay snapped, storming out.

He made it to the transporter before collapsing against the wall, forcing himself to breath deeply to calm himself, he gulped back the tears. Why couldn't anyone trust him, he knew how to take care of himself, he didn't need Beckett bothering him. That Beckett was just trying to do his job, didn't matter, McKay just wanted to be allowed to do things for himself, for people to trust him to do things for himself.

*~*~*~*~*

Zelenka had considered carefully what he was going to say before he went to see Weir. He did not want it to seem like he was 'telling tales' because he was still annoyed at McKay for what had gone on. He wasn't. Well he was still annoyed, but he wasn't telling tales because of it. Despite himself, he was genuinely concerned about McKay.

Weir was in her office, laptop open in front of her, when Zelenka knocked. She offered him a smile as he entered. "Doctor Zelenka, what can I do for you?"

"I am concerned, for Rodney... Doctor McKay. He is not himself. Not sleeping, eating very little from what I can see. I do not want you to think this is because I am upset with him; I am honestly worried for him. He could be hurt or... hurt someone else," Zelenka said.

"Radek, have a seat. Don't worry, I don't think this is because of any... disagreements... you've had with Rodney. I've noticed myself he seems off the ball, but I didn't want to pry. Do you think it's affecting his work?" Weir asked.

Zelenka took the offered seat and nodded. "He is doing very little. Passing many projects along to others. He gave shiny new ancient toy to Optican. He is rarely in the lab all week."

Weir shook her head, sighing softly. "I was afraid he'd go over board trying to make things right, I didn't think he'd stop doing things. Thank you for coming to me about this."

"I was very annoyed with Rodney, but even if he is an... egotistical Vůl... he is mostly right to be so, Atlantis needs him," Zelenka said, his English a little broken as he worked around the more vehement curses he might have liked to use.

*~*~*~*~*

Sheppard and Beckett sat across from Weir in her office, all three of them with grave looks.

“He’s not been himself, but it was a big shock, I was hopin’ he’d be back to normal soon,” said Beckett.

“It’s been a week, but even so, you’re right, time might well be what he needs, but I’m concerned we don’t have that time. Atlantis is hidden from the Wraith for now, but there is still danger. Colonel Sheppard’s team is due to go off-world in a few days, we need him on his game. Besides, this doesn’t seem like Rodney’s normal reaction to stress at all. He normally gets angry, sarcastic, pushing until he drives everyone mad, this is the complete opposite,” Weir said, frowning.

She wondered if maybe they’d been too hard on McKay. Yes, he’d made an error in judgement, a serious one, but he had pulled their asses out of the fire more than once with that same egotism. Selfishly she could admit she’d rather have egotistical Rodney McKay, simply because he was *better* and yet that was the very thing she’d called him to task on.

“John, what do you think?” Weir asked.

“He’s sulking. But he can’t go off-world if he’s not 100%, it’d put the rest of the team in danger,” Sheppard said. Not really with forceful anger, but Weir can tell he’s still upset. She thinks though, like herself it’s more that he’s disappointed. They were all disappointed with Rodney because his plan failed. Somehow they had failed to really truly comprehend before how much faith they put in him, how much pressure they put on him.

“I wouldn’t say sulking Colonel, we’ve all been a wee bit rough on him lately,” Beckett voiced Weir’s concern.

“He blew up a solar system, did he expect a party in his honour?” Sheppard asked.

“No, of course not. But I think we’ve all been letting our own disappointment that he failed, translate into misplaced anger. Rodney made a mistake, but we’ve all done that at one time or another,” Weir said, giving Sheppard a pointed look.

Sheppard’s expression flickered through shock, anger and landed finally on realization. “I guess, I’ll talk to him.”

“No, I will. I think it’d be best. Carson if Rodney comes to you with any more headaches, please let me know,” Weir said, dismissing them both, she sat and wondered what she would say to McKay.

*~*~*~*~*

McKay was jittery, but looked exhausted when Weir called him up to her office. He looked like he’d spent a week not sleeping and weight loss was becoming evident in his face. Even his skin looked pale and sallow.

“Rodney, have a seat. Would you like some coffee?” Weir asked, hoping her friendly approach would calm him.

“No, no I’m good,” Said McKay, eyes still on the PDA in his hands.

“Rodney, could you put that down, I’d like to talk to you,” Weir said.

McKay frowned but set it down on her desk. “Sorry, I was working out lab schedules for my staff.”

“It’s fine. How have you been?” Weir asked, cursing how not-casual she sounded, maybe she should have let Sheppard do this.

“Fine. Yes. Fine. Why did someone tell you I’m not?” McKay asked.

“No. I’ve... well actually, we’ve all been a little concerned about you this last week,” Weir said.

“Well you don’t need to be, I’m fine,” McKay insisted again, feet tapping restlessly on the floor as he eyed the door.

“Rodney… you’re not behaving like yourself. You’re not sleeping, or eating properly. If you keep this up you’re endangering yourself and your team. Especially off-world,” Weir said. She didn’t mean it as a dressing down; she hoped it spoke of genuine concern.

“Endanger… no, I’m not, I’m not going to endanger them,” McKay said eyes flickering wildly, he looked dazed, but Weir could almost see the cogs turning.

“I quit,” said McKay after a moment, standing too fast and grabbing the desk for support.

“Rodney that’s not what I called you here for, I...” Weir protested.

“No, it’s fine, it’s okay, you’re right I’m a danger to them, I should have thought sooner, I should have… well better late than never, it’s fine though, the Daedelus can take me back on it’s next run. I’ll hand everything off to Radek. He’d be best to head the science department and go with Colonel Sheppard’s team. He’ll be nervous at first but I know he’ll be good.” McKay said.

Weir opened her mouth to speak again, to protest, to argue with him, but before she could, he told her he’d have everything sorted in no time and not to worry he’d stay out of the way until the Daedelus could take him back to Earth and he was gone.

Weir tapped her radio. “Weir to Sheppard and Zelenka. Can I see you both in my office please?”

*~*~*~*~*

"This is not amusing McKay! First, first I am prepared to feel sorry for you, against all my better judgement. Now I am just mad!" Zelenka said.

"What? Oh Weir told you. Don't worry, I'll have everything ready for you soon, I just have to finish getting files together. I'll be out of your hair by the end of the day," McKay said.

"You do not listen, you most infuriating man! I am not mad because you are here, but because you are leaving!" Zelenka snapped. It startled McKay driving one word into his brain. Doranda. Zelenka had sounded like that, when McKay had spurned him over the Ancient weapon on Doranda.

"Sorry. Sorry. I'll just... you'll be fine, better than fine. I'm a danger to the mission, to everyone, just... no one can trust me, I can't even trust me. It's better like this," said McKay softly.

"Rodney..." Zelenka started to say something, thought he didn't know why.

"It's fine. Fine. Here... I have a few other disks in my room; I'll bring them by in the morning," McKay said, shoving some disks into Zelenka's hands and leaving the Czech man behind, stunned.

*~*~*~*~*

Zelenka found the disks as promised the next morning, though there was no sign of McKay. He contemplated going to find him, but if he did not wish to be found, he would not be. It was the downside to him being a genius. He knew Atlantis' every nook and cranny.

It was almost an hour after lunch before Zelenka's stomach started to complain about lack of food, but apparently being the scientist assigned to Sheppard's team had it's advantages, including having food delivered.

"I noticed you weren't at lunch, figured you'd be hungry," Said Sheppard, setting the tray down.

"Normally, you are bringing Rodney food," Zelenka said, hoping he didn't sound ungrateful.

"Yeah, well I can't find him, he's not in his room," Sheppard answered, pulling up a stool.

"He is good at hiding. I think, he spent previous life as invisible man," Zelenka said, glad when Sheppard chuckled and the joke did not fall flat.

"Might have. We're due to go off-world tomorrow," Sheppard said, changing the subject quickly.

"Colonel, I know what Rodney says but I am not good for off-world missions," Zelenka said defensively.

"Well, you're what we've got. Briefing at 0900," Sheppard told him, giving him no further chance to protest.

"For this McKay, I will get you," Zelenka said, after the doors closed behind Sheppard, leaving him with an empty lab and a plate of food that his stomach was no longer interested in.

*~*~*~*~*

"I'm glad you kept your appointment today Rodney, Doctor Weir tells me you've been 'in hiding', no one has been able to reach you," Heightmeyer smiled, inoffensive, reassuring, all those things that were suppose to put McKay at ease but just made him more nervous.

"Zelenka is the chief scientist now, they don't need me," McKay said.

"Well maybe they *want* you," Heightmeyer suggested.

"Why?" McKay asked, before he could stop himself.

"You're a valued member of this expedition Rodney, many people here consider you a friend," she said, McKay snorted.

"It's true. Doctor Weir, Doctor Zelenka, Doctor Beckett, Colonel Sheppard," Heightmeyer paused after the short list.

"No they don't. They all hate me now. I'm dangerous, or haven't you been paying attention lately! I killed a man! Me and my ego killed Collins and blew up a solar system!" McKay snapped.

"The way I hear it, it was only 5/6ths of a solar system," Heightmeyer said.

"Well good for you, you have been paying attention lately. Maybe you could write a book about it. Rodney McKay, monumentally ego driven bastard who killed a man and blew up 5/6ths of a solar system!" McKay shouted, pushing up from his chair and pacing angrily.

"Rodney, you never meant for what happened to Doctor Collins," Heightmeyer said.

"I never *meant* for lots of things. Except to stroke my own ego and be some big damn hero! No one here cares about me anymore and if they do, they shouldn't. I'm dangerous." Said McKay, angrily storming out of the room before Heightmeyer could protest, heading for anywhere that was far away from there.

*~*~*~*~*

Zelenka tugged on the straps of his backpack nervously. He felt entirely out of place joining Sheppard's team in the gate room. Dex looked at him, dark eyes alight with amusement.

"Play nice, Ronon," Sheppard said, coming over.

"Don't I always?" Dex asked, as Sheppard rolled his eyes. Zelenka shuffled, knowing if McKay were here, he'd make some sarcastic comment and they'd laugh and get on with things. Zelenka felt completely out of his depth.

Sheppard started explaining a few things too him, but Zelenka gave up listening, once he realized that Dex's amused look came not in fact from having him there, but from spotting McKay watching them from a partially hidden area near the stairs to the left. He was about to say something, when McKay must have seen him looking and vanished.

"I am not good for this," Zelenka repeated the sentiments again, though they had failed every time he had used them.

"You'll be fine. Quick in and out, no time for parties this time," Sheppard smiled and saluted jauntily to Weir as the gate engaged.

"I am certain all will go well, Doctor Zelenka," Teyla smiled kindly.

Zelenka frowned. Did no one in the Pegasus galaxy understand saying that was only inviting misfortune?

*~*~*~*~*

"Great vacation getaway in the Pegasus Galaxy" Sheppard said, looking around the empty street.

"Where is everyone?" Teyla asked.

"There's smoke from the chimneys. They're inside." Dex replied, looking around.

Zelenka looked nervous, out of place. Sheppard could almost hear what McKay might say, could picture McKay's grips about the weather. Too damp, too cold. Not a climate McKay would appreciate, but Zelenka remained quiet.

The people were, if a little frosty at first, ultimately nice enough, especially when they offered help to deal with their Daimos.

Ellia was a shock. A shock that none of them were rightly prepared to deal with. When Beckett started talking about the iratus bugs... Sheppard really hated those bugs... and wraith evolution. Well Sheppard didn't have to think hard, it was obvious, if Ellia could help them figure out the Wraith... Beckett packed up what he needed and they headed back.

The discovery of another Wraith, the natives getting restless, everything happened so alarmingly fast.

*~*~*~*~*

Zelenka had never felt more out of his depth. Crisis in the lab, being that it was Atlantis, made him feel like he was swimming at the deep end of a pool most days, but off world he felt like it was an ocean just waiting to swallow him up first chance it got. How McKay had ever survived it, he didn't understand.

Ellia petrified him. Zaddick confused him. Beckett was so terribly excited by the possibilities Ellia presented that it made him nervous.

"I'm going to get some fresh air, is that is alright?" Zelenka asked as Beckett involved himself in... Well actually Zelenka didn't know exactly what he was doing, but it looked like it needed concentration and he felt like he was in the way.

"Aye, of course, best not wander to far though," Beckett told him.

Zelenka was just looking around, actually it was more like nervous not quite pacing, because he couldn't bare to stand still, but he was afraid to go too far, when he hear noises.

"There... there are... the villagers, they are coming into the forest!" Zelenka said in a rush of breath, half running into the caves.

"Why didn't you just radio?" Beckett asked, following him back out. It was hard to miss the noise the group of men were making as they traipsed through the underbrush.

"If they find Ellia, they'll kill her!" Zaddick said, panicked.

"Beckett to Sheppard, it looks like the villagers decided to help us find the Wraith, there are a lot of them and they are armed with pitch forks," Beckett said.

"Are they going near the caves?" Sheppard asked.

"Not at the moment no," Beckett replied.

"All right, get back there and sit tight." Sheppard told them.

*~*~*~*~*

Beckett gave Zelenka a slight look of assurance; at least he hoped it was reassuring. He'd been of world several times now but he still wasn't use to it. Zelenka's previous experience off-world was a veritable cake walk compared to this; no doubt the man was worried if this would set a president. Beckett thought it was best not to mention, that it probably would

"Ellia?" Zaddick's frantic searching through the caves for his daughter drew Beckett's attention to the opened case on the side. The retrovirus... he'd been explaining to Zaddick what he hoped it could do.

"Good Lord! She took the retrovirus!" Beckett said, picking up the empty syringe.

"But you said it wasn't ready," Zaddick said, anxiously.

"It's not, not by a long shot!" Beckett told him.

Zaddick's face paled. "What will it do to her?"

"To be honest, I've no idea," Beckett answered.

Feeling the guilt of what the retrovirus might do to Ellia, Beckett volunteered himself and Zelenka to try and find her without really thinking about it.

*~*~*~*~*

Zelenka barely managed to prevent a seriously undignified scream when he saw Ellia, but he didn't hold it in when she attacked him.

The pain reverberating through him was... the exact reason he preferred being in a lab. Not that lab work wasn't without danger, but he'd never been thrown over a log before in the lab.

"Ellia, you do not want to do this," Beckett shouted from the sidelines, trying to edge closer, as Ellia turned toward him and screeched.

Zelenka scrambled to stand up as Ellia tried to decide which of them to attack. He at once wanted it to be himself to spare Beckett and Beckett to spare himself.

He felt her before he realised she'd chosen him, the sharp spike of pain in his arm that made him scream as she tried to feed. The screams from himself and her were so loud, he never even heard the gunshots until Ronon and Sheppard were there pulling Ellia off him.

"Easy doc..." Sheppard told him, keeping an arm on his shoulder, "let Carson check you out."

*~*~*~*~*

Weir looked on concerned as Beckett insisted on getting Zelenka straight to the infirmary.

"It doesn't feel so bad now," Zelenka said as they wheeled him into the infirmary.

"I'll be the judge of that laddie. You've got a serious laceration on your arm and you've lost a good deal of blood," Beckett told him.

"Yah, just sit back and enjoy the ride Doc," Sheppard threw in.

"This might hurt a bit," Beckett said, as he started to clean out the wound.

"It doesn't," Zelenka told him.

"Not at all, that's..." Beckett paused, stopping his ministrations.

"What?" Sheppard asked.

"The feeding mark. It's completely healed," Beckett told him, looking again to be sure, but as the blood was cleaned away, it became apparent, that the abrasion he'd expected, simply wasn't there.
"Maybe the wound wasn't that bad," Sheppard suggested.

Beckett frowned, shaking his head. "Then where'd all the blood come from?"

"I don't know, maybe it just looked a lot worse than it was?" Sheppard asked.

"It hurt a lot," Zelenka interrupted.

"And there was too much blood for a superficial wound, which there is no evidence of here anyway," said Beckett.

"Maybe it was her blood?" Sheppard suggested.

"It was definitely human blood," Beckett told him.

"So what does it mean?" Zelenka asked nervously.

"Give me half a day to run your blood work and analyze it with the data we already have. We'll figure it out." Beckett assured him.

"And until then?" Sheppard asked.

"Well he could stay here and watch me work, or he can go about his business," Beckett offered.

"I will be in lab," Zelenka said, quickly leaving.

*~*~*~*~*

The news that Zelenka had come back and been rushed to the infirmary made its way around Atlantis quickly. Nothing stayed secret in a group of people this small, even in a city this size it was hard to hide.

"... a Wraith got him," McKay over heard a few scientists talking quietly as he went to get food. He didn't like having to come into the mess hall these days, but he was feeling sick with hunger, so he had little choice.

McKay forgot all about food and half ran, in the most dignified manner he could muster, towards the infirmary, peeking around for signs of life.

"He's not here, Doctor Beckett let him go while he runs his blood tests," Sheppard's voice startled him.

"I..." McKay paled, turning to face the Colonel.

"I think he went back to his quarters to rest," Sheppard told him, turning heel and walking away.

McKay swallowed convulsively. If Beckett had let him go, Zelenka had to be okay. Beckett would have kept him in the infirmary if it was really serious. That thought didn't ease his mind though, all he could think of was that Zelenka had been hurt... hurt when it should have been him, should have been McKay off world with the team, for Wraith to chase down and hurt.

Zelenka was in his room, propped on the bed, laptop on his knees. He called enter when McKay knocked, but looked like he regretted it once McKay was inside the room.

"I heard... I wanted to see if you were okay," McKay said.

Frowning, Zelenka nodded, getting up from the bed, setting the laptop on the desk, looking McKay in the eye. "I am fine. Being lunch to crazy female Wraith makes me very happy."

McKay shuddered. If he could speak, he'd have cursed. Apologised. Begged Zelenka's forgiveness and understanding, but speaking, meant trying to organise the thoughts in his mind and he didn't want to take the risk he'd change his mind about leaving, because it was still the right thing to do.

"You are selfish little man," Zelenka said, shoving him against the wall, so quickly all his breath expelled. He hadn't even realized he'd spoken aloud, or that Zelenka was so strong.

"I'm sorry..." McKay stuttered, trying to breath. Which was hard, when he was being held bodily against the wall.

"Get out!" Zelenka snapped, shoving McKay towards the door. Needing no further encouragement, McKay quickly left, running to the closest transporter booth before letting himself pause to breath.

He'd never seen Zelenka act like that before; it at once frightened and aroused him. Which actually, frightened him, even more.

*~*~*~*~*

"Doctor Beckett? I thought you'd want to see this." Nurse Campbell approached him handing him a clipboard, with test results on it.

"Is this from Doctor Zelenka's blood sample?" Beckett asked.

Campbell nodded. "That's right."

"And you've run it twice?" Beckett asked concerned.

"Of course." Campbell confirmed.

Beckett jumped up, Campbell following him, "OK, let's run it one more time. I wanna be certain before we tell him." Beckett didn't really think the results would change, his staff was good at their jobs, but he wanted to be extra sure.

*~*~*~*~*

Zelenka flopped back on his bed after McKay left. He had no idea why he'd just done that. It was true, he was angry with McKay, maybe even angry enough to want to hit him, but he'd never been one for violence and he didn't see why he'd start now.

But with McKay standing there, he'd just had the urge to... shove him against the wall. He'd had another urge too, but he'd held that back. That was just *not* a good idea.

He felt... he wasn't sure really what he felt, but it was... different. Like when he'd pushed McKay against the wall he'd felt powerful, like he had control, but at the same time, he felt out of control.

"Doctor Zelenka, please come to the infirmary," Beckett's voice interrupted his thoughts.

*~*~*~*~*

Beckett, Weir and Sheppard were already there when Zelenka arrived, sitting on a bed beside Sheppard.

"The good news is, we can now say with some certainty that Ellia didn't drain away any of your life." Beckett told him.

"We already knew that," Sheppard interrupted.

Beckett nodded agreeably, "I suppose."

"That's the best good news you could come up with?" Sheppard asked.

Beckett shuffled uncomfortably and looked at Zelenka. "It looks like you've been infected with the iratus bug retrovirus. The one we were working on to turn Ellia into a human."

"You mean the one that didn't turn her into a human?" Sheppard asked concerned.

"Ellia administered the treatment prematurely. It wasn't ready, it wasn't even supposed to be..."

"I have... will I change?" Zelenka asked, interrupting the conversation.

"I have no idea. It was never engineered to be given to a human. It was never intended to be given to anyone!" Beckett admitted irritably, this should never have happened and he blamed himself entirely.

"Let it go Doc," said Sheppard.

"The problem is, I have no idea how his body will react! I can't even begin to guess, Radek have you been feeling any differently than normal?" Beckett asked the scientist.

"I feel fine," Zelenka said, almost too quickly, but he had no reason to doubt him, Zelenka wasn't prone to bouts of machoism and lying about his physical health.

"It's certainly possible that it's already breakin' down in your system. Ellia's transformation was extreme, and immediate," Beckett said, not entirely convinced.

"See," Sheppard said, smiling assuredly.

"But then again, the wound on your arm healed unnaturally fast," Beckett added, not pleased with how lightly Sheppard seemed to be taking this.

"If there was a wound," Sheppard said.

"There had to be! Otherwise I don't see how he got infected," Beckett argued.

"Zelenka? Are you sure there was a wound?" Sheppard asked.

"It hurt, felt like hot poker in my arm," Zelenka said.

Weir jumped in to stop any further arguments. "What can we do for now?" she asked.

"I'll have to keep monitoring him. You'll need to check in every six-hours," Beckett told Zelenka. Zelenka nodded agreeably, but he never made eye contact. "Come back sooner if you feel at all sick."

"Of course," Zelenka promised, leaving.

"I'll keep running tests, see what comes up," Beckett told the others as they left.

*~*~*~*~*

Zelenka returned to his quarters, glad to get away from the infirmary. He liked Beckett, he honestly did, but this made him nervous and he just wanted to be alone.

Taking his jacket off, Zelenka considered a shower, but stopped short when he saw his arm. Where Ellia had gripped him, a small patch of scaly blue had appeared. It didn't feel sore, even when he poked at it, but he knew Beckett would want to know.

"Doctor Beckett, I think perhaps, I should see you now," Zelenka said over the comm.

Lying in the infirmary, as Beckett scanned and poked at him, Zelenka didn't need to read minds to know Beckett was worried, even Weir who stood to one side with Sheppard looked nervous and neither of them were growing scales.

"The retrovirus isn't breaking down in his system like we hoped it would," Beckett explained to Weir and Sheppard quietly of to the side, but Zelenka could still hear them.

"You're sure?" Weir asked with concern.

"Yes. In fact, it's beginning to alter his D.N.A. If this is allowed to continue, he'll devolve into a creature similar to what Ellia became," Beckett said.

"How long do we have?" Weir asked the question Zelenka was thinking.

"I'm not exactly sure," Beckett offered. Zelenka refrained from snorting, even when they thought he couldn't hear them, Beckett was being evasive.

"Ballpark! Months? Weeks?" Weir asked.

"Days, we have days," Beckett admitted softly.

Zelenka felt nauseous. Was he going to die?

*~*~*~*~*

When McKay was called to Weir's office, he thought about not going, partly because he didn't want to deal with the stares in the hallway, news that he was planning to leave travelled like wildfire and partly because the first signs of bruising were beginning to appear where Zelenka had held him against the wall, still something in Weir's voice, suggested it wasn't an optional visit.

"Rodney, I'm glad you could join us," Weir greeted. She was sitting behind her desk, Beckett and Sheppard across from her, Sheppard's feet propped up casually but the tension was almost palpable.

"Didn't sound like I had a choice," McKay said, standing uncomfortably just inside the doorway.

"Doctor Zelenka has been infected with the retrovirus Doctor Beckett was working on," Weir explained.

McKay was stunned. He couldn't think of what to say.

"He is on a viral inhibitor, which should slow the process, but we need to find a way to stop it. Doctor Beckett and his team have a plan, but they need the eggs of an Iratus bug," Weir said.

"The Ancient database has quite a lot of information about the iratus bug. We know what planet it's on, we know that it likes cool damp dark places to lay its eggs," said McKay. He'd done some research on them after Sheppard's run in with one.

"They shouldn't be hard to locate then," Sheppard suggested.

"Wait a minute. The last time we ran into even one of these things, we almost lost you John. How do you expect to just walk right in to one of their nests?" Weir asked.

"I don't see that we have any choice. We need the iratus stem cells ... the best stem cells come from embryos! With them, we actually have a chance of saving Doctor Zelenka," said Beckett.

McKay felt sick, he wasn't sure what made him feel worse, the idea of the bugs, or the idea of losing Zelenka. He strongly suspected the later, but fixating on the bugs was much easier.

"This is the only option we have?" Weir asked.

"Time's an issue," Beckett said.

"You have no idea what will happen," Weir said.

"There's only one certainty: what will happen if we do nothing," Beckett replied, McKay's own mind mentally filling in what Beckett wasn't saying. Zelenka would die if they did nothing.

"Rodney, you're going with the team," Weir said.

"I don't think..." McKay started to say.

"I don't care. I've coddled you on this enough, Doctor Zelenka will die if Doctor Beckett doesn't get these eggs, you're going with them and helping them find a way!" Weir said.

McKay felt heat in his face as Beckett and Sheppard watched him, both with looks that he could only interpret as disapproval and disappointment. "Okay," McKay agreed quietly.

*~*~*~*~*

Zelenka looked at himself in the mirror, already half of his face was changed, he wondered how long it would be before there was nothing left of him. Beckett was already starting to increase the viral inhibitor, that couldn't be good.

"Can I come in?" McKay's voice startled him.

"No," Zelenka replied.

"I deserve that. Weir is sending me with the team to get the eggs," McKay said.

"I'm sorry if my dying has inconvenienced your self-pity," Zelenka snapped.

"I'm... I just... we'll get the eggs, somehow, and you'll be okay," McKay promised in a rush of breath, before he left almost as quickly as he'd appeared.

Zelenka punched the mirror, watching it shatter with satisfaction.

*~*~*~*~*

"So, what are we lookin' for?" Sheppard asked.

"According to the Ancient database, probably a cave ... cool, damp and dark, which I translate: scary, awful, bad," McKay replied, eyes flickering around wildly.

"They wouldn't want their nests out in the open. Cave keeps the eggs away from the predators," Dex added gruffly.

McKay snorted. "I always figured they were the predators."

"I guarantee there's something out here worse," Dex said

"Really?" McKay asked, his nerves being swallowed by more nerves.

Dex smirked. "They've gotta feed on somethin'."

"Thank you! Thank you for that!" McKay snapped, nervously.

"You're welcome," Dex offered, unreservedly pleased with himself.

"Can it. We've got bigger fish to fry. We'll head for a mountain range that starts about a mile up this way. That's probably our best bet for a cave," Sheppard told them.

Beckett nodded. "Agreed."

McKay nodded, trudging along with the others towards the mountains. It felt so... normal... to be with them, but the image of Zelenka back in Atlantis, his face... Zelenka hadn't actually turned to face him, but he'd seen the reflection in the mirror. If this didn't work... McKay wouldn't think about it. This *would* work.

The cave wasn't hard to find and despite how he desperately wanted to be *anywhere* but where he was, McKay followed Sheppard's lead into the cave. It was dark; disgusting... it was a cave, like any other cave he'd seen, although he'd tried to avoid caves and this one smelt much worse than any he had been near.

"Y'don't seriously think that's going to help, do ya?" Beckett asked as McKay pulled his jacket up around his neck.

"Yeah, when they see your neck before mine? You won't think it's stupid." McKay said.

"Where are these eggs supposed to be?" Teyla asked quietly.

"The database says they have a central nest. I'm hoping we'll know it when we see it," Beckett answered her.

Beckett wasn't wrong, the central nest, unfortunately was full of bugs. "So how do we wanna play this?" Sheppard said.

"They'll defend their young," Dex said.

McKay frowned. "Maybe we should make a diversion?"

"Are you volunteering?" Sheppard asked pointedly..

"I'll shut up," McKay said quickly, mentally trying to make himself as small and invisible as he could under Sheppard's gaze.

"I do not believe we can get close enough to retrieve the eggs without these creatures attacking," Teyla said.

Teyla was correct, even with Beckett's salt water and McKay could admit that was a good plan, they left the cave empty handed.

*~*~*~*~*

"The nest is incredibly well protected. There are hundreds, maybe even thousands of them. I just don't think it's possible," Beckett reported sadly.

"So where does that leave us?" Weir asked.

Beckett shook his head. "Without the stem cells, our plan is not promising."

Weir frowned. "OK. I'll tell him. Go get cleaned up."

The others left, but McKay remained, looking at Weir nervously.

"What can I do for you Rodney?" Weir asked.

"I'd like to tell him," Said McKay.

Weir frowned again, a brief, ludicrous thought in her mind, questioning when she did anything but frown recently. "Rodney, do you really think that's a good idea? Things between you two have been strained lately and..."

"I made mistakes and people got hurt, Radek should never have been on that mission, it should be me... I have to..." McKay pleaded softly.

"I don't think he needs to deal with your guilt right now Rodney," Weir said.

"I know. That's not why... please," McKay begged.

Weir nodded slowly. "Okay."

*~*~*~*~*

"How many guards do you need? He's half your size!" McKay said, seeing the four marines standing on guard.

"I wouldn't go in there Doctor McKay," Lorne told him.

"Well I have to, I doubt very much I'm in danger," McKay said, rolling his eyes as the door opened. The room was dark and there was no sign of Zelenka, but McKay could feel eyes on him, making him shiver.

"So this is when Elizabeth would usually ask you a stupid question, like ‘How are you feeling?' but since I'm smart enough to know, you probably feel like crap, we can skip that," McKay said.

"You failed," Zelenka startled him, a bump behind him, making McKay spin around. For a moment, McKay couldn't speak. Looking at Zelenka, he felt fear gripping him, the eyes were yellow, the skin scaly and sickly blue.

"We lost Walker and Stevens, Colonel Sheppard scrubbed the mission," McKay told him when he found his voice again.

"You have to try again," Zelenka said.

"I don't think Colonel Sheppard or Doctor Weir will let us," Said McKay sadly.

"If you won't just... just kill me now," Zelenka told him.

McKay's eyes widened. "No! We are so not there yet, we'll figure out something, Carson's not going to give up, he'll..."

"I am changing! Inside I feel it, the viral inhibitor is barely keeping me lucid, soon... soon I will not be, I do not want to die like that, I would rather die as a man!" Zelenka said.

"Radek..."

"No, I will not die like this! I am dangerous Rodney, I could snap you in half now and I would not break a sweat doing it!" Zelenka snapped.

McKay shivered, Zelenka was close enough now he could feel the heat from the other mans body. He was so concentrated on Zelenka's face, trying to read his face, impossible though it was, that he didn't realise what was coming until he was on his back on the floor, the air completely knocked out of him.

"Radek!" McKay shouted after Zelenka, but he was already half way out the door and before McKay had even gotten to his feet, the marines had Zelenka stunned and on the ground.

"Get Beckett!" Lorne ordered, his fingers going to Zelenka's throat, before he gave McKay a slight nod.

"He just..." McKay paused, unsure what to say. All he could think, was how things might have gone differently if he had been there, if he hadn't been such a coward.

*~*~*~*~*

"I put him in a medically-induced coma for now. I was afraid he might break through the restraints," Beckett told the gathered group apologetically.

"So what now?" Weir asked.

Beckett looked at Zelenka briefly, before speaking. "The retrovirus has wreaked havoc on his system and it's taking over."

"What does that mean?" Sheppard asked.

"It means if we don't find a way to stop the retrovirus in the next twenty-four hours, what's left of the Radek Zelenka we know will be gone," Beckett told her candidly.

When the group dispersed, leaving Beckett to his work, he noticed McKay, half way to leaving but not quite there.

"There is nothing you could have done," said Beckett sympathetically.

"He should never have been there, if should have been me," McKay said, quietly.

"Aye, you could have been hurt, or Colonel Sheppard or myself, Ronon or Teyla. It was just bad luck it was Radek," Beckett said.

"If he hadn't been there, at least it wouldn't have been him," said McKay.

"You have feelings for him?" Beckett asked, not really sounding surprised.

McKay shook his head. "No, yes... I don't know, I thought maybe but... that was before Doranda, even if this hadn't... it's all my fault."

"I don’t think Radek would blame you," Beckett said.

"He does, he... I let him down, I let everyone down and now he's dying, turning into a *bug* and dying and it's my fault!" McKay snapped.

"Turning... that might... of course!" Beckett said, why he hadn't thought of it before, he didn't know.

"What?" McKay asked.

"Doctor Weir, meet me in your office please," Beckett said into his radio, dragging Rodney along

*~*~*~*~*

"I'm sorry, it just came to me. The fact that his mutation has progressed as far as it has may be his salvation," Beckett explained when everyone was present.

"How do you figure doc?" Sheppard asked.

"His sweat glands are actually producing trace amounts of their signature pheromone. When we were in the cave, those bugs knew we didn't belong there, so they didn't really fancy us getting close to their nest." said Beckett.

"Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa. I see where you're going with this. If we can artificially create the pheromone, it might be able to confuse them enough to leave us alone," McKay said.

"Aye, that would work," Beckett said.

McKay looked pleased. "Well, that's an excellent plan, Carson!"

"Aye, I wish it was," Beckett said.

"You can't do that in time." Dex said.

"No," Beckett agreed, "it'd take days."

"But you said Doctor Zelenka only had twenty-four hours before the damage the retrovirus was causing him would be irreparable," Weir said.

"Exactly," Beckett agreed.

"Well, then, that's a terrible plan, Carson!" McKay snapped.

"There's only one person on this base that wouldn't need the artificial pheromone," Beckett said. "He could walk right in that cave and the bugs wouldn't pay him any mind."

"I'm not sure if you've noticed or not, but Radek's not feeling very well, he's in a coma!" McKay said.

Beckett shook his head. "He stopped taking the inhibitor we were administering. It was able to keep him lucid."

"I thought its effectiveness had worn off," Weir said.

"True. But I believe if we give him another massive dose, he may be clear-headed enough to complete the mission before we lose him completely," said Beckett.

McKay stiffened. "Won't giving him that much inhibitor..."

"Kill him?" Beckett offered. "Yes, it's a definite possibility. Even if I knew it was for certain, I'd be tempted to offer him one last hour of lucidity."

"No, no way, Radek can't go into that cave," McKay protested.

"Well there aren't a lot of options McKay," Sheppard said.

"There has to be another way!" McKay argued.

"Not unless someone else wants to volunteer to inject themselves with the retrovirus. Even then it'd take a large dose to have the same almost immediate effect it had on Ellia and would likely kill them! Radek is the best chance we have of getting those eggs," Beckett said.

"See if you can replicate the pheromone, maybe you don't even need to replicate it entirely, if you have nothing in three hours, I'll give the go ahead and send Doctor Zelenka back to the planet with a team," Weir interrupted diplomatically.

*~*~*~*~*

McKay paced around outside the infirmary's labs for a few minutes. In less than an hour, Weir was going to give the go ahead to send Zelenka to that planet and that cave. It was insane, ludicrous beyond belief and McKay had to stop it some how.

He'd thought about it, about everything that had been said but the one thing that stuck in his mind was that someone else *could* go, if they took a large dose of the retrovirus, like Ellia had taken. It would probably kill him, of course McKay had heard that part, but after everything he'd done after how selfish he'd been, it was the very least he could do. Zelenka didn't deserve to die like this.

Getting the retrovirus wasn't nearly as hard as McKay thought it should be, if he survived this he was really going to have to suggest to Beckett that he improve security in the infirmary, of course when he felt the immediate red hot sensation of the retrovirus flowing through his veins as he approached the gate room, a hastily stocked pack on his back and the needle still in his arm, survival was low on his list of expectations.

"Rodney?" Weir shouted, shocked.

"Open the gate," McKay told her.

"No, Rodney what were you thinking, you..."

"Open the damn gate!" McKay snapped, pushing her aside and punching in the dialing sequence himself.

"Stop him!" Weir ordered.

McKay looked at her, several guns, Sheppard's included were trained on him, but he didn't want to fight, it was a waste of precious time. They all looked different, even though he knew logically he was the one changing, Zelenka had been right, he could *feel* it.

"I can get the eggs Elizabeth, but you have to let me go now!" McKay said.

"Let him," Sheppard said, lowering his gun.

Weir looked confused, unsure. "Elizabeth, please," McKay pleaded.

"Go," Weir said. "Go after him," McKay heard her add to Sheppard, but he was half way to the gate and he didn't bother looking back.

The cave was as dank as he remembered it, but a new smell, burned flesh was no present, it was hard to ignore it all his senses prickled and he could feel all control slipping from him, but his mind continued with a single mantra, 'get the eggs'.

He pulled out a flare, igniting it and throwing it into the cavern. The bugs twittered angrily but didn't attack him. Walking carefully into the cavern he found the nearest egg sack, taking a firm hold on the plastic bottle he'd taken from Beckett. He knew he'd have to jump, he knew normally, he could never make it, but he felt... powerful... like this. The jump, felt like nothing as he landed on the sac. Hanging on with one hand, he plunged the other hand, still holding the bottle, into the sac until he was sure it was full before putting the lid back on.

His whole body taut with barely contained control, he jumped back down and ran for the cave’s entrance, his precious cargo firmly held in his grasp. He barely noticed the others as he barrelled into Dex and he felt nothing more than a vague sting as he hit the dirt.

*~*~*~*~*

"It's not gonna happen overnight -- you can bet on that -- but the transformation has begun to reverse itself in both of them," Beckett announced.

"So they'll both be fine? Good, when do I get to kick McKay's ass for doing something so stupid?" Sheppard asked.

"When he can get up and walk it to the training room," Beckett answered lightly.

"Doctor McKay did a very brave thing," Teyla said.

"That may be so, but he could have gotten himself killed," Sheppard said.

Teyla smiled slightly. "And of course Colonel, you have never put yourself in danger."

Beckett chuckled. "I think that may be where Rodney learned it from, either way, they should both recover fully."

"Good. We should all get some sleep," Weir suggested.

"I'm gonna stay a while, if that's okay Doc?" Sheppard asked.

"I too would like to stay," Teyla said.

"Aye, that's fine." Beckett told them, leaving them in the company of the two unconscious scientists.

"Do you think Doctor McKay will still wish to leave?" Teyla asked quietly.

"If he tries, I'm going to chain him to Ronon," Sheppard said.

"Please, don't punish me like that," Dex said, a sparkle of respect in his eyes as he looked at McKay's sleeping form.

"Well I'm not chaining him to me!" Sheppard hissed with humour in his voice and in his eyes. He wasn't going to let him go either though, not without a fight. McKay may be a pain in his ass sometimes but he was one of them and it had taken them all way too long to remember that.

*~*~*~*~*

"Rodney, may I come in?" Zelenka asked.

"Of course, how are you feeling?" McKay asked.

Zelenka shook his head. "Should I not be asking you that question?" he asked, pointing at McKay's face which was still showing far greater signs of the retrovirus than Zelenka's own, one side still blue.

"Carson say's it'll go away in a week or so. It's not so bad, except, I can't shave," McKay said, rubbing his fingers over one side of his face that was sporting stubble.

"I think the unshaven look works for you," Zelenka offered.

McKay snorted. "Flattery will get you no where; I'm going to make you work with Miko for a month after scaring me like that."

"At least I did not get infected on purpose. Besides, Miko is nice, she made me cookies while I was in the infirmary," Zelenka said.

"That's because she has decided she'll never get me, so moved her crush onto you," McKay told him.

Zelenka smiled agreeably. "She will move onto Doctor Parrish next I believe, he made mistake of being nice to her."

McKay nodded, uncomfortable suddenly, unsure of what to say. This back and forth, it was normal for them and for those few moments he could almost imagine nothing had happened, but as the silence reigned McKay became more uncomfortable.

"You are taking back all your old jobs, yes?" Zelenka asked.

McKay shrugged. "I... well, Elizabeth asked but..."

"Then you are. I do not want them, I never wanted them. I am bad at being leader, bad at being off-world. You make better bait for Wraith than I do," Zelenka said.

"Thanks, really, charming, have you been taking lessons from Sheppard?" McKay asked.

Zelenka shook his head. "Nope. From you."

"I... I have better delivery," McKay said.

"Of course you do Rodney," Zelenka agreed, amusement in his voice.

"Well I do! So... so we're good?" he asked, freezing as soon as he'd said it. Why couldn't he leave well enough alone.

"We... will be. I think," Zelenka said.

McKay frowned. "Oh... okay."

"If you can be honest with me," Zelenka told him.

"About what?" McKay asked.

"I hear things, in infirmary when I am perhaps not meant to. I hear you say maybe you have... feelings... for me," Zelenka said.

McKay's eyes went wide, he'd heard that? People in comas really could hear things going on around them? Damn, why hadn't he thought of that.

"Is it true?" Zelenka asked.

"I... I'm..." McKay stuttered.

"I just want truth Rodney," Zelenka sighed.

"I think so, yes. But I'd never... I mean ever do anything to jeopardise our friendship, I mean, more than I clearly already have," McKay said, mentally kicking himself.

"That is a pity," said Zelenka.

"Wha?" McKay asked, opened mouthed.

"This unshaven look... scruffy... is really very good look on you," Zelenka offered with a slight smile, leaving McKay looking at the space where he'd been, minutes after he'd vacated it, when Zelenka was in front of him. The first press of dry lips against his startled him, the second stunned him further and by the third soft brush of Zelenka's mouth against his own, McKay was sure he had to be hallucinating.

"We will be okay, we will perhaps be better than. However, if you ever do anything so stupid as all this again, I will be exceptionally annoyed," Zelenka told him softly, his eyes, one more their normal vibrant blue, alight with humour and McKay thought, maybe something more, something... something like what he thought his own eyes might be showing.

It wasn't exactly perfect and McKay was smart enough to know it wasn't that easy, but it was a start and after the last few weeks, it was better than anything he could ever have hopped for, when Zelenka kissed him again.