Explanation to my friends....
i've recently been emotionally motivated to explain my scholastic endeavor to everyone... i'm always asked why i want to go far away... this is why... this is why i am leaving everything behind to go somewhere that most people dont know where it is on a map... this is an explanation not only of that, but to explain who i really am, from what i can tell... i'm not even sure who i am, but this is what i've come up with...i left this entry public because not all of my friends have LJ.. in fact, most of my closest don't... this is for everyone... whether i've known you for 18 years, or a week... enjoy
realizations.. i've come to realize upon a brief review of my life, that it has been mediocre... granted i have amazing friends and some irriplaceable experiences, but overall... mediocre....
a good majority of my life was spent going to school, coming home, watching tv, going online, lounging around, sleep, repeat... i never had that core group of friends... i'm a drifter... friends w/ everyone from the beautiful and most popular to the geeky introverts
i cant classify myself at all... i'm a jock (10 years of football), gear head, musician, band dork, video game junkie, drinker, outgoing, shy, tattooed, pierced, against drugs, family oriented, friend orientated, individual... i'm every stereotype (besides stoner) rolled into one mess... i've been told i'm kind, caring, etc, and also thats what girls look for, but i've only had a few relationships... mainly because i'm timid about starting one because i am, as the chick i work with put it, a hopeless romantic... i want every encounter to last... part of my personality carries over into that... i'm such a huge sentimentalist... i still own my first car, i have most of my childhood possessions, have pictures stored away, every CD i ever bought, every guitar i've ever owned, i have my great grandfather's liscense plate, and so on...
thats the only thing missing from my life... a childhood... when i was much younger, i was doing yardwork and chores daily... when my parents got divorced i became the "man of the house".. i had to do all/most of the grunt work around the house and be responsible for myself... because of that, i've become a person who doesn't express himself... i don't show emotion.. i've never been in a fight... i wasn't allowed to play music in the house... it takes a very strong feeling for me to actually show it... i've never yelled or bitched out someone directly, but went home and lifted/ran or something... i've never said 'i love you' back, but just said 'me too'... i dont say my feelings directly, but try to hint it and hope they get it without having to say it... i embarass easily, though i dont show it... i stress out easily... i get anxiety... i constantly feel that nothing has ever gone my way...
when a close friend of mine died, around family or other people i showed no emotion... until the night after the funeral, i sat down on the corner of my bed to take off my socks, and i broke down... i have no recollection of how long i was there... but i remember going through my head every experience associated with her and not being able to stop myself... i dont remember going to sleep that nite... just waking up the next morning exhausted.. mentally, physically, emotionally
my personality through my life has been the same... family always say that when i was young i would be content for hours sitting in a room, quiet, playing with my matchbox cars.. which i remember and is so true... during middle school i became more social... high school was a mix... i'd go through times where i'd be out every nite and going to shows, parties, over peoples houses, or just randomly driving with someone... then i'd go on a spurt of coming directly home from school, and not leaving until i left for school the next morning... some days i would stay home from school or go home early just because... i've been working since my 14th birthday... i'm shy around people who i do not know or are familiar with...
all of my relationships have lasted relatively long... i've gone awhile without having one too... at points in my life its either the most important thing, or not a concern... no middle ground, one extreme or the other... as of recent it has been a very important thing... but i'll be across the country in 6 months.. it's something that i want more than anything, but i cant have... once i get attached, all feelings are in... i dont want that to happen when i go to school next year... Boise is a new start.. i dont want any attachments to here besides friends and family
thats the main reason i'm going there... far away... i don't know anyone there... no one there has an opinion of me... a fresh start is exactly what i need... i need to find what i've been missing... that core group of friends, that indescribable relationship, an amazing experience
college can only be a complete fresh start if you have no association with the place prior to going there... i'm in the same state... parents can visit within a 45 minute car ride... friends can always be around... problems and drama can always be around too... i'm still in the same area... same surroundings... same bullshit... same memories, good and bad
the mediocre/bad in my life overcomes the good in my life rite now... everyone that can cheer me up without reminding me of any bad experiences live in florida, indiana and virginia... everyone around here i have a bad memory of... i'm a very optomistic person, but i dont easily forget... when i see someone i'm more likely to remember the time they ditched me before anything good
If i stay in Mass, i'll be the same person... i'll have the same family problems, wont have a serious relationship, be around the same people (who i'm not all sure want to be around me), be in the same miserable weather, be around the same ignorance and racism i grew up around... basically... everything will be the same... i'm proud of what i have become, but i havent had alot of experiences... Boise will be the perfect solution... meet people who want to be around me because they like me, not because they somehow feel obligated to
i'm still torn... i have amazing friends who i still want apart of my life... my second nephew was just born and my oldest one just learned to say 'uncle shawn'... my past is here...i am here
i just need 4 years to find out if that really is me or not... get my head straight... experience life
make a long story short... all of my friends are amazing... no exaggeration... you all formed who i am... my surroundings made me who i am... i'm proud of who i am, where i'm from, and what i've done... i wouldn't take away a thing...
the marks permanently written across my chest explains my new outlook on life.... one chance.... i'm going to experience the country... experience life... meet people i would otherwise never meet... do things i haven't... not be so much concerned with the future as i am with the present... enjoy myself... worry about things when they occur, not prepare for them to occur... no one can honestly say whether or not we have another life awaiting the end to this one... no one can truthfully say anything exists or doesn't after we're done here... from what we all can tell, this is the only shot we have... and i dont intend on wasting it
those of you who i've known my entire life, you will understand why i am doing this... you'll understand the bullshit in my life is becoming overwhelming... the little things add up... and honestly, i'm spent... i've had enough... time for change
the end... i can never fully express every emotion running through my head... i could probably spend the next 6 months continuously expressing myself... i hate open ends... but for once this will have to be one.... this entry was so long because i wanted to cover the major aspects of me... but with each instance written down, i was reminded of another of equal or greater importance
all in all
thank you
if you read this entire thing, thank you... obviously you're one that cares about the direction i am going and i appreciate it, no matter what your opinion is
theres no fulfilling way to end this entry or subject matter, so i'll just end it here
realizations.. i've come to realize upon a brief review of my life, that it has been mediocre... granted i have amazing friends and some irriplaceable experiences, but overall... mediocre....
a good majority of my life was spent going to school, coming home, watching tv, going online, lounging around, sleep, repeat... i never had that core group of friends... i'm a drifter... friends w/ everyone from the beautiful and most popular to the geeky introverts
i cant classify myself at all... i'm a jock (10 years of football), gear head, musician, band dork, video game junkie, drinker, outgoing, shy, tattooed, pierced, against drugs, family oriented, friend orientated, individual... i'm every stereotype (besides stoner) rolled into one mess... i've been told i'm kind, caring, etc, and also thats what girls look for, but i've only had a few relationships... mainly because i'm timid about starting one because i am, as the chick i work with put it, a hopeless romantic... i want every encounter to last... part of my personality carries over into that... i'm such a huge sentimentalist... i still own my first car, i have most of my childhood possessions, have pictures stored away, every CD i ever bought, every guitar i've ever owned, i have my great grandfather's liscense plate, and so on...
thats the only thing missing from my life... a childhood... when i was much younger, i was doing yardwork and chores daily... when my parents got divorced i became the "man of the house".. i had to do all/most of the grunt work around the house and be responsible for myself... because of that, i've become a person who doesn't express himself... i don't show emotion.. i've never been in a fight... i wasn't allowed to play music in the house... it takes a very strong feeling for me to actually show it... i've never yelled or bitched out someone directly, but went home and lifted/ran or something... i've never said 'i love you' back, but just said 'me too'... i dont say my feelings directly, but try to hint it and hope they get it without having to say it... i embarass easily, though i dont show it... i stress out easily... i get anxiety... i constantly feel that nothing has ever gone my way...
when a close friend of mine died, around family or other people i showed no emotion... until the night after the funeral, i sat down on the corner of my bed to take off my socks, and i broke down... i have no recollection of how long i was there... but i remember going through my head every experience associated with her and not being able to stop myself... i dont remember going to sleep that nite... just waking up the next morning exhausted.. mentally, physically, emotionally
my personality through my life has been the same... family always say that when i was young i would be content for hours sitting in a room, quiet, playing with my matchbox cars.. which i remember and is so true... during middle school i became more social... high school was a mix... i'd go through times where i'd be out every nite and going to shows, parties, over peoples houses, or just randomly driving with someone... then i'd go on a spurt of coming directly home from school, and not leaving until i left for school the next morning... some days i would stay home from school or go home early just because... i've been working since my 14th birthday... i'm shy around people who i do not know or are familiar with...
all of my relationships have lasted relatively long... i've gone awhile without having one too... at points in my life its either the most important thing, or not a concern... no middle ground, one extreme or the other... as of recent it has been a very important thing... but i'll be across the country in 6 months.. it's something that i want more than anything, but i cant have... once i get attached, all feelings are in... i dont want that to happen when i go to school next year... Boise is a new start.. i dont want any attachments to here besides friends and family
thats the main reason i'm going there... far away... i don't know anyone there... no one there has an opinion of me... a fresh start is exactly what i need... i need to find what i've been missing... that core group of friends, that indescribable relationship, an amazing experience
college can only be a complete fresh start if you have no association with the place prior to going there... i'm in the same state... parents can visit within a 45 minute car ride... friends can always be around... problems and drama can always be around too... i'm still in the same area... same surroundings... same bullshit... same memories, good and bad
the mediocre/bad in my life overcomes the good in my life rite now... everyone that can cheer me up without reminding me of any bad experiences live in florida, indiana and virginia... everyone around here i have a bad memory of... i'm a very optomistic person, but i dont easily forget... when i see someone i'm more likely to remember the time they ditched me before anything good
If i stay in Mass, i'll be the same person... i'll have the same family problems, wont have a serious relationship, be around the same people (who i'm not all sure want to be around me), be in the same miserable weather, be around the same ignorance and racism i grew up around... basically... everything will be the same... i'm proud of what i have become, but i havent had alot of experiences... Boise will be the perfect solution... meet people who want to be around me because they like me, not because they somehow feel obligated to
i'm still torn... i have amazing friends who i still want apart of my life... my second nephew was just born and my oldest one just learned to say 'uncle shawn'... my past is here...i am here
i just need 4 years to find out if that really is me or not... get my head straight... experience life
make a long story short... all of my friends are amazing... no exaggeration... you all formed who i am... my surroundings made me who i am... i'm proud of who i am, where i'm from, and what i've done... i wouldn't take away a thing...
the marks permanently written across my chest explains my new outlook on life.... one chance.... i'm going to experience the country... experience life... meet people i would otherwise never meet... do things i haven't... not be so much concerned with the future as i am with the present... enjoy myself... worry about things when they occur, not prepare for them to occur... no one can honestly say whether or not we have another life awaiting the end to this one... no one can truthfully say anything exists or doesn't after we're done here... from what we all can tell, this is the only shot we have... and i dont intend on wasting it
those of you who i've known my entire life, you will understand why i am doing this... you'll understand the bullshit in my life is becoming overwhelming... the little things add up... and honestly, i'm spent... i've had enough... time for change
the end... i can never fully express every emotion running through my head... i could probably spend the next 6 months continuously expressing myself... i hate open ends... but for once this will have to be one.... this entry was so long because i wanted to cover the major aspects of me... but with each instance written down, i was reminded of another of equal or greater importance
all in all
thank you
if you read this entire thing, thank you... obviously you're one that cares about the direction i am going and i appreciate it, no matter what your opinion is
theres no fulfilling way to end this entry or subject matter, so i'll just end it here