2008 bleh.
Well, I'm pretty much thankful that 2008 is finally over. Glad to have made it through pretty much unscathed, but also ticked at myself for acquiring or continuing some pretty awful habits.
I'm smoking, but will give it another attempt to quit come the first.
I'm so uninterested in living here that I hardly ever go out. When I do, I go to one of the casinos, plop myself in front of a machine, bingo, slot, or otherwise, and pray that the random number generators will look down upon me favorably. The other problem with this seems to be, that even if I win sometimes, I'd rather put the money back in instead of taking it home. So really, I can't win. And I know that I enjoy gambling, but I wonder if that's becoming or is a problem. I rationalize that I'm only spending $60-$100 every couple of weeks and that money could also be spent in the bars... who knows... I guess the big thing is, I still pay my bills... and once that ceases, that's when I have a problem, right?
I've been taking care of my grandparents since coming home from Idaho. And I'm of two minds on the issue. On the one side, I enjoy my grandmothers company very much. I find that the love my grandparents have for each other is very sweet. On the other side, it's very trying dealing with people who have mild to severe dementia on any given day. It bothers me that my grandmother still believes she can live on her own, and she wants to go back to Sun City West, to be among her friends. And while I realize her friendships are very important to her, they aren't the friends who will make sure they change their underwear everyday, make sure they eat three solid meals everyday, (instead of Jelly, butter, and bread everyday) and make sure they go to all their appointments (doctor or otherwise) when needed. My grandmother is a very sweet 85 year old lady, but in the last six months, a very selfish veneer has been exposing itself. And she worries more about money, of which she has plenty, and gives no mention of thanks to all the chores, bill paying, and moves (4 in the last 2 years)that our family has done for them. I see the stress in my step-fathers eyes and feel terrible for him.
Not to mention the stress he must be feeling from being a Doctor and a struggling small business owner. In my own way, I've tried alleviating that stress by making sure all the small chores are done everyday. Dishes. Washing. Grocery Shopping. I'm a maid, a babysitter, and a chauffeur. And then, at times, when I allow it to, it bothers me. But mostly I'm trying to be thankful for it... all of it. Force myself even at times, too. Which is pointless. But I'd like to think we have a family that looks after our own, and we should be thankful for each other. But that sentiment feels forced at times, too.
Then there's this business with boys... and I'm really, really, starting to feel like settling.. and settling down. Which I never felt like before. My regular has been asking for a date, like a real date, and I'm not caving in, but I am thinking about it. Plus, its hard to look pass this last summer, past Casey. Who I still adore. Who is 10 years younger. And I feel like my own selfish veneer is exposing itself, too.
But 2009 seems promising:
I'm writing a novel, next year. No bullshit. I start the first. I have a great idea. I'm doing things like writing down bits of conversations I want to use, interesting sounding names, and mapping out the neighborhood I'm writing about. It's fun, and probably a better use of time than playing computer games.
I have an appointment with a counselor at University of Phoenix. Which, I think I'm leaning towards another bachelor's degree, this time in IT, web design, or something computer related. Nursing was an epic failure... but sorry, I just can't deal with anyone elses spit, puke, gag, piss, or shit other than my own... well, and now, my grandparents. Though I still gag every time. And I've already seen one pair of 94 year old balls, and let me tell you, that was enough.
Plus, Obama.
Plus, oh, a lot of things. I just don't know it yet.
Happy New Years!
-Christian-
I'm smoking, but will give it another attempt to quit come the first.
I'm so uninterested in living here that I hardly ever go out. When I do, I go to one of the casinos, plop myself in front of a machine, bingo, slot, or otherwise, and pray that the random number generators will look down upon me favorably. The other problem with this seems to be, that even if I win sometimes, I'd rather put the money back in instead of taking it home. So really, I can't win. And I know that I enjoy gambling, but I wonder if that's becoming or is a problem. I rationalize that I'm only spending $60-$100 every couple of weeks and that money could also be spent in the bars... who knows... I guess the big thing is, I still pay my bills... and once that ceases, that's when I have a problem, right?
I've been taking care of my grandparents since coming home from Idaho. And I'm of two minds on the issue. On the one side, I enjoy my grandmothers company very much. I find that the love my grandparents have for each other is very sweet. On the other side, it's very trying dealing with people who have mild to severe dementia on any given day. It bothers me that my grandmother still believes she can live on her own, and she wants to go back to Sun City West, to be among her friends. And while I realize her friendships are very important to her, they aren't the friends who will make sure they change their underwear everyday, make sure they eat three solid meals everyday, (instead of Jelly, butter, and bread everyday) and make sure they go to all their appointments (doctor or otherwise) when needed. My grandmother is a very sweet 85 year old lady, but in the last six months, a very selfish veneer has been exposing itself. And she worries more about money, of which she has plenty, and gives no mention of thanks to all the chores, bill paying, and moves (4 in the last 2 years)that our family has done for them. I see the stress in my step-fathers eyes and feel terrible for him.
Not to mention the stress he must be feeling from being a Doctor and a struggling small business owner. In my own way, I've tried alleviating that stress by making sure all the small chores are done everyday. Dishes. Washing. Grocery Shopping. I'm a maid, a babysitter, and a chauffeur. And then, at times, when I allow it to, it bothers me. But mostly I'm trying to be thankful for it... all of it. Force myself even at times, too. Which is pointless. But I'd like to think we have a family that looks after our own, and we should be thankful for each other. But that sentiment feels forced at times, too.
Then there's this business with boys... and I'm really, really, starting to feel like settling.. and settling down. Which I never felt like before. My regular has been asking for a date, like a real date, and I'm not caving in, but I am thinking about it. Plus, its hard to look pass this last summer, past Casey. Who I still adore. Who is 10 years younger. And I feel like my own selfish veneer is exposing itself, too.
But 2009 seems promising:
I'm writing a novel, next year. No bullshit. I start the first. I have a great idea. I'm doing things like writing down bits of conversations I want to use, interesting sounding names, and mapping out the neighborhood I'm writing about. It's fun, and probably a better use of time than playing computer games.
I have an appointment with a counselor at University of Phoenix. Which, I think I'm leaning towards another bachelor's degree, this time in IT, web design, or something computer related. Nursing was an epic failure... but sorry, I just can't deal with anyone elses spit, puke, gag, piss, or shit other than my own... well, and now, my grandparents. Though I still gag every time. And I've already seen one pair of 94 year old balls, and let me tell you, that was enough.
Plus, Obama.
Plus, oh, a lot of things. I just don't know it yet.
Happy New Years!
-Christian-