(no subject)
My lost summer is almost over and Centre is now unavoidably next week. I've fooled myself several times into believing good or bad about the future, but now feel nestled into a tired cynicism and claustrophobic loneliness. A half-hearted search for graduate school can distract me for a day, a memorable book for a few hours, but the simple reality of what prospects are follows me. And still I feel immature to ache for what is not possible.
Over the past couple of weeks I've tried going to Nashville and spending time with people from work. There was some sincerity in the people i met, but near the end it became clear that i was naive. My use was only for office politics.
Now I pay someone to listen me describe what things falling apart sounds like. I irritate friends on occasion and sleep off as much as I can. No matter what I bargain or promise to myself, today is just a dry Sunday, Ecclesiastes, and memories of my smile when it once came from my heart.
as ever,
e
Over the past couple of weeks I've tried going to Nashville and spending time with people from work. There was some sincerity in the people i met, but near the end it became clear that i was naive. My use was only for office politics.
Now I pay someone to listen me describe what things falling apart sounds like. I irritate friends on occasion and sleep off as much as I can. No matter what I bargain or promise to myself, today is just a dry Sunday, Ecclesiastes, and memories of my smile when it once came from my heart.
as ever,
e