The Basic Jist
Im not sure where to start.
Im losing hope that things between Jill and I can get better. I dont want to feel like that. I want things to get better. I like being her friend... but I. I want to be more than just friends and thats never gonna happen. I could venture a guess as to why it's effected me so badly this time but anything I say about my life being in a bad place or being in a spell of depression, anything I say is gonna come off as a cop-out. I do think the other stuff plays in but not nearly that much.
I made her cry last night I think. I told her I didnt really want to be around her right now but never got a chance to explain. I dont want to be around her cause she is a constant reminder of something I want but can never have is kinda the most boiled down explination. I start feeling really crappy the second I see her. Which sucks cause I know if I hung out with her I'd probably feel really good. She does that. I find she has the uncanny power to make me smile no matter how I feel. Even if I dont want to smile.
This is not to say that I dont want to be happy. Far from it. I just... I havnt figured out how to want to be friends with her and not want to be something more. I dont know how to do that though. Im out of ideas how to fix it. I feel like every time I try something or talk it dosnt help. I need help.
Im beginning to feel like the friendship is a lost cause at this point and I dont like it. I dont want it to be over. It was a really nice friendship. A very close friendship. We shared a lot and I dont want that to all be for nothing.
The other night after skrewing up another conversation with Jill Susanne said something. I dont know if it was in seriousness or not, it didnt sound like it, but she said "why do you two still talk?". I... I was shocked, or hurt, or both I dont know. It didnt go over well. I keep talking cause I keep wanting it to get better. I keep screwing up but maybe one of these times I wont. Maybe one of these times it'll get better instead of worse.
I imagine I've probably misarticulated myself many a time here but whatever.
Im losing hope that things between Jill and I can get better. I dont want to feel like that. I want things to get better. I like being her friend... but I. I want to be more than just friends and thats never gonna happen. I could venture a guess as to why it's effected me so badly this time but anything I say about my life being in a bad place or being in a spell of depression, anything I say is gonna come off as a cop-out. I do think the other stuff plays in but not nearly that much.
I made her cry last night I think. I told her I didnt really want to be around her right now but never got a chance to explain. I dont want to be around her cause she is a constant reminder of something I want but can never have is kinda the most boiled down explination. I start feeling really crappy the second I see her. Which sucks cause I know if I hung out with her I'd probably feel really good. She does that. I find she has the uncanny power to make me smile no matter how I feel. Even if I dont want to smile.
This is not to say that I dont want to be happy. Far from it. I just... I havnt figured out how to want to be friends with her and not want to be something more. I dont know how to do that though. Im out of ideas how to fix it. I feel like every time I try something or talk it dosnt help. I need help.
Im beginning to feel like the friendship is a lost cause at this point and I dont like it. I dont want it to be over. It was a really nice friendship. A very close friendship. We shared a lot and I dont want that to all be for nothing.
The other night after skrewing up another conversation with Jill Susanne said something. I dont know if it was in seriousness or not, it didnt sound like it, but she said "why do you two still talk?". I... I was shocked, or hurt, or both I dont know. It didnt go over well. I keep talking cause I keep wanting it to get better. I keep screwing up but maybe one of these times I wont. Maybe one of these times it'll get better instead of worse.
I imagine I've probably misarticulated myself many a time here but whatever.