hallucination
i havn't updated in forever.
but for some reason i felt compelled tonight.
umm..this is probably the worst i've ever felt in my life. the worse feeling i ever get is when i care about somebody so so so much and i know they don't care about me half as much. i'm used to getting that from some people, but latley i've been getting it from every direction.
and then last week i made a horrible mistake that i can't stop thinking about. it makes me not like myself...even a little.
i don't know how to deal with anything that i'm feeling because i can't even convey what i'm feeling. tonight i just wanted to die. i felt so alone even when i was in a room full of people.
I HATE IT WHEN I'M LIKE THIS. I ABSOLUTELY DESPISE IT AND WANT IT TO STOP. BUT I JUST DON'T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT BETTER. IF I WAS SOMEBODY ELSE, I WOULD NOT LIKE ME AT ALL RIGHT NOW.
anyone who knows me knows that i'm not like this usually. i'm pretty upbeat and turns out i can play this game where no one even knows when i'm upset. so i'll probalby just keep doing that because when i tell anyone whats wrong, they don't help me. i'd rather just fake a smile then try to explain to another person whats wrong. ususally when i'm with people, i am happier. but when i'm by myself i'm just like...ew. cuz i don't know. if i knew what was bothering me exactly, i would fix it.
dont listen to this i'm not myself. and none of this will matter in a week so fuck it i guess.
but for some reason i felt compelled tonight.
umm..this is probably the worst i've ever felt in my life. the worse feeling i ever get is when i care about somebody so so so much and i know they don't care about me half as much. i'm used to getting that from some people, but latley i've been getting it from every direction.
and then last week i made a horrible mistake that i can't stop thinking about. it makes me not like myself...even a little.
i don't know how to deal with anything that i'm feeling because i can't even convey what i'm feeling. tonight i just wanted to die. i felt so alone even when i was in a room full of people.
I HATE IT WHEN I'M LIKE THIS. I ABSOLUTELY DESPISE IT AND WANT IT TO STOP. BUT I JUST DON'T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT BETTER. IF I WAS SOMEBODY ELSE, I WOULD NOT LIKE ME AT ALL RIGHT NOW.
anyone who knows me knows that i'm not like this usually. i'm pretty upbeat and turns out i can play this game where no one even knows when i'm upset. so i'll probalby just keep doing that because when i tell anyone whats wrong, they don't help me. i'd rather just fake a smile then try to explain to another person whats wrong. ususally when i'm with people, i am happier. but when i'm by myself i'm just like...ew. cuz i don't know. if i knew what was bothering me exactly, i would fix it.
dont listen to this i'm not myself. and none of this will matter in a week so fuck it i guess.