I Need Feedback...
Hey. I know I just wrote a little while ago, but I'm writing an English essay and I need feedback on how I can make it better. I'll copy and paste it...
It was finally here - the letter that I had been waiting for! A large, white envelope with the Lincoln School logo on it lay on the kitchen counter. I was too nervous to open it. This letter held the answer to the question I’d been asking myself for months: Will be accepted to Lincoln School?
Finally, after waiting a minute or two, I anxiously opened the crisp, clean envelope, and grabbed the papers that were inside it. Inside, I found a letter for me, along with some other papers for my parents. My heart was beating so hard; I thought it would come out of my chest. I took a deep breath and read -
Dear Haley,
We are pleased to inform you that we would love for you to become a member of Lincoln School.
I didn’t have to read anymore.
“I GOT IN!” I shrieked. “Oh my God mom, I got into Lincoln! I can’t believe it!” I yelled, skipping around the house. I was filled with happiness and a feeling of great accomplishment. I was possibly going to Lincoln School for 7th grade!
Within a couple days, most of my excitement had faded away. I was still very pleased with myself, but I was now feeling something very different from the day I received the letter. I had just started to realize that I was going to have to choose between going to my old school, or Lincoln School.
To make matters worse, I got another letter in the mail soon afterwards. It was another acceptance letter; only this one was from Wheeler School. By now, I was so confused about what I was going to do in my future. I had three options for school for the upcoming year, and I didn’t know exactly what I truly wanted.
Days passed as I stressed about what my future would be like. Which school was right for me? I wasn’t sure. But after a long talk with my parents, and a lot of thinking on my own, the choice was made. My parents and I decided that Lincoln School was the best school for me.
The end of 6th grade came and went, and before I knew it, it was the last day of school. I had told my friends a few weeks before that I wouldn’t be coming back next year. Even so, the last day was filled with hugs and tearful goodbyes.
Summer was finally here. I told myself I wouldn’t let all this school-confusion bring my spirits down. And I didn’t - it was one of the best summers ever. I was happy and light-hearted…until the end of August, that is.
As the new school year neared, I became more and more worried every day. Endless “what if’s” ran through my head. What if I don’t fit in? What if everyone’s smarter than me? What if I get sick on the first day? What if I can’t find a classroom? And I started wishing that I’d never been accepted in the first place. I started missing my old school - a lot.
Also as the school year got closer, people would ask me, “What school do you go to?” But I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t go to Mansfield Public Schools anymore…and yet, I wasn’t going to Lincoln yet, either. Not only was I confused, I didn’t know where I belonged.
Finally, the day arrived - the first day of school. My alarm clock woke me up at 5:45 in the morning. I slammed the clock off and jumped out of bed. Quickly, I dressed, and tried to hide the dark circles under my eyes. I hadn’t slept at all the previous night.
My mom drove me to school that morning. The car ride seemed to last eternity, although it was really only 30 minutes. When my mom finally drove up into the driveway of the school, I was reluctant to get out of the car. But when my mom said, “Have a wonderful day, sweetheart…I love you,” I knew that I had to go.
After my mom drove away, I heard a voice calling my name. “Hey Haley!” someone was calling. I looked over and saw a girl named Allison, who I had met previously, because she lived really close to my house. She motioned for me to come over to see her. I slipped through the big crowd of gabby, giggling girls and finally found Allison.
“These are my friends, Ruthie and Lauren,” Allison said with a grin.
“Hi, I’m Haley,” I replied shyly, nodding at them.
That’s when I knew that things were going to turn out okay. Everyone was so friendly; you couldn’t not have friends here. The next day, the 7th grade went on a trip. I made a few other new friends on the trip.
The first week of classes started, and I realized that the people in all of my classes were not the same people whom I had befriended. But with confidence, I tried talking to some other people. Some people came up and talked to me. I even got some advice from girls.
“Roll your skirt and un-tuck that shirt!” one girl had exclaimed with a smile.
“Just act like you’re not new, and you’ll have a ton of friends in no time,” another had told me.
And after a couple of weeks, I had a lot of wonderful new friends, and I knew that I was going to fit in. I loved the school, the teachers, and especially my new friends. I knew that I had made the right choice, and everything was perfect.
Ok, that's it. So, what do you think? Please, if it sucks, tell me...I need the constructive critisizm! Thanks to all of you who will comment on this. Love ya. Talk to you all sometime tomorrow, maybe.
Peace, Haley
It was finally here - the letter that I had been waiting for! A large, white envelope with the Lincoln School logo on it lay on the kitchen counter. I was too nervous to open it. This letter held the answer to the question I’d been asking myself for months: Will be accepted to Lincoln School?
Finally, after waiting a minute or two, I anxiously opened the crisp, clean envelope, and grabbed the papers that were inside it. Inside, I found a letter for me, along with some other papers for my parents. My heart was beating so hard; I thought it would come out of my chest. I took a deep breath and read -
Dear Haley,
We are pleased to inform you that we would love for you to become a member of Lincoln School.
I didn’t have to read anymore.
“I GOT IN!” I shrieked. “Oh my God mom, I got into Lincoln! I can’t believe it!” I yelled, skipping around the house. I was filled with happiness and a feeling of great accomplishment. I was possibly going to Lincoln School for 7th grade!
Within a couple days, most of my excitement had faded away. I was still very pleased with myself, but I was now feeling something very different from the day I received the letter. I had just started to realize that I was going to have to choose between going to my old school, or Lincoln School.
To make matters worse, I got another letter in the mail soon afterwards. It was another acceptance letter; only this one was from Wheeler School. By now, I was so confused about what I was going to do in my future. I had three options for school for the upcoming year, and I didn’t know exactly what I truly wanted.
Days passed as I stressed about what my future would be like. Which school was right for me? I wasn’t sure. But after a long talk with my parents, and a lot of thinking on my own, the choice was made. My parents and I decided that Lincoln School was the best school for me.
The end of 6th grade came and went, and before I knew it, it was the last day of school. I had told my friends a few weeks before that I wouldn’t be coming back next year. Even so, the last day was filled with hugs and tearful goodbyes.
Summer was finally here. I told myself I wouldn’t let all this school-confusion bring my spirits down. And I didn’t - it was one of the best summers ever. I was happy and light-hearted…until the end of August, that is.
As the new school year neared, I became more and more worried every day. Endless “what if’s” ran through my head. What if I don’t fit in? What if everyone’s smarter than me? What if I get sick on the first day? What if I can’t find a classroom? And I started wishing that I’d never been accepted in the first place. I started missing my old school - a lot.
Also as the school year got closer, people would ask me, “What school do you go to?” But I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t go to Mansfield Public Schools anymore…and yet, I wasn’t going to Lincoln yet, either. Not only was I confused, I didn’t know where I belonged.
Finally, the day arrived - the first day of school. My alarm clock woke me up at 5:45 in the morning. I slammed the clock off and jumped out of bed. Quickly, I dressed, and tried to hide the dark circles under my eyes. I hadn’t slept at all the previous night.
My mom drove me to school that morning. The car ride seemed to last eternity, although it was really only 30 minutes. When my mom finally drove up into the driveway of the school, I was reluctant to get out of the car. But when my mom said, “Have a wonderful day, sweetheart…I love you,” I knew that I had to go.
After my mom drove away, I heard a voice calling my name. “Hey Haley!” someone was calling. I looked over and saw a girl named Allison, who I had met previously, because she lived really close to my house. She motioned for me to come over to see her. I slipped through the big crowd of gabby, giggling girls and finally found Allison.
“These are my friends, Ruthie and Lauren,” Allison said with a grin.
“Hi, I’m Haley,” I replied shyly, nodding at them.
That’s when I knew that things were going to turn out okay. Everyone was so friendly; you couldn’t not have friends here. The next day, the 7th grade went on a trip. I made a few other new friends on the trip.
The first week of classes started, and I realized that the people in all of my classes were not the same people whom I had befriended. But with confidence, I tried talking to some other people. Some people came up and talked to me. I even got some advice from girls.
“Roll your skirt and un-tuck that shirt!” one girl had exclaimed with a smile.
“Just act like you’re not new, and you’ll have a ton of friends in no time,” another had told me.
And after a couple of weeks, I had a lot of wonderful new friends, and I knew that I was going to fit in. I loved the school, the teachers, and especially my new friends. I knew that I had made the right choice, and everything was perfect.
Ok, that's it. So, what do you think? Please, if it sucks, tell me...I need the constructive critisizm! Thanks to all of you who will comment on this. Love ya. Talk to you all sometime tomorrow, maybe.
Peace, Haley