Uncharacteristic sickness
It's been a bizarre last-little-while, to say the least!
My RP activities have come to a screeching halt (see previous post for assignation of blame) and in order to get my fix I've been writing up a storm, both in the format of material for my campaign setting, short stories in the same universe, and my long-suffering initiative to write my own ruleset. I think I talked about that a bit last time, but you can read most of what I've got so far over at mithica.net if you're curious.
I also managed to get the home server running again, with the addition of an ancient 10GB hard drive that I found out in the rain & my old 1999 IDE CD-Rom drive. I dunno what the hell I was thinking - it runs Linux fine, my previous troubles probably stemmed from trying to run Ubuntu 7.10 on 250 MB of RAM. In any case, now it's running e17 over Fluxbuntu, and - let me tell you! - it's pretty slick. I've actually got it running my IRC server at irc.mithica.net, but until I can lay my hands on some quieter fans it's going to have to remain off during the rest hours for my wife's own benefit.
I've been pretty anxious lately. I'm starting to realize that when things are hard, I am depressed: when things are easier, I am anxious. I worry I may have anxiety issues. It's not like this is really a new problem, and from a young age I was much more content to keep silent and fail at whatever I was doing than stand up and face the terrifying prospect of success.
I've been depressingly honest over Ragnarok, under the assumed identity of Jess. She's an imaginary 21-year-old college dropout who works as a cashier and left her school because she arbitrarily couldn't stand it there and most people make her anxious? I only realized that I wasn't acting fairly recently, and the revelation is highly upsetting.
That I am finding it easiest to be myself through an elaborate lie, yes. And also that I am upset for some reason about 60% of the time.
Additionally, I have been very compulsive of late. I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me; I'm like a junkie who needs his fix only I don't have the slightest goddamn idea what my fix is. Open-source software, maybe.
But, I jest.
My art has largely stalled, and I don't know why. I always draw in phases - extreme hyperactivity followed by complete dormancy for a few months. I need to draw Mei and Vondero and also a few others I'm not talking about.
When I am creating, I do so like a thing possessed. I am capable of truly extraordinary things, certainly: maybe not stuff that many people would like, but stuff that entertains me. But I can never focus on any one thing for very long before a different project sucks me in, and I guess that's why most of my writing is in the format of short stories and most of my art is single-shot stuff. I also hate drawing the same character twice, let alone write about them in multiplicity: for fuck's sake, what if I fuck it up? I ALREADY GOT IT RIGHT SO I SHOULD QUIT WHILE I AM AHEAD.
It feels like I'm in control of what I'm doing. As though I am the captain of my skull-shaped ship. And yet, it is only by observing my wake do i realize how little I have really accomplished.
My RP activities have come to a screeching halt (see previous post for assignation of blame) and in order to get my fix I've been writing up a storm, both in the format of material for my campaign setting, short stories in the same universe, and my long-suffering initiative to write my own ruleset. I think I talked about that a bit last time, but you can read most of what I've got so far over at mithica.net if you're curious.
I also managed to get the home server running again, with the addition of an ancient 10GB hard drive that I found out in the rain & my old 1999 IDE CD-Rom drive. I dunno what the hell I was thinking - it runs Linux fine, my previous troubles probably stemmed from trying to run Ubuntu 7.10 on 250 MB of RAM. In any case, now it's running e17 over Fluxbuntu, and - let me tell you! - it's pretty slick. I've actually got it running my IRC server at irc.mithica.net, but until I can lay my hands on some quieter fans it's going to have to remain off during the rest hours for my wife's own benefit.
I've been pretty anxious lately. I'm starting to realize that when things are hard, I am depressed: when things are easier, I am anxious. I worry I may have anxiety issues. It's not like this is really a new problem, and from a young age I was much more content to keep silent and fail at whatever I was doing than stand up and face the terrifying prospect of success.
I've been depressingly honest over Ragnarok, under the assumed identity of Jess. She's an imaginary 21-year-old college dropout who works as a cashier and left her school because she arbitrarily couldn't stand it there and most people make her anxious? I only realized that I wasn't acting fairly recently, and the revelation is highly upsetting.
That I am finding it easiest to be myself through an elaborate lie, yes. And also that I am upset for some reason about 60% of the time.
Additionally, I have been very compulsive of late. I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me; I'm like a junkie who needs his fix only I don't have the slightest goddamn idea what my fix is. Open-source software, maybe.
But, I jest.
My art has largely stalled, and I don't know why. I always draw in phases - extreme hyperactivity followed by complete dormancy for a few months. I need to draw Mei and Vondero and also a few others I'm not talking about.
When I am creating, I do so like a thing possessed. I am capable of truly extraordinary things, certainly: maybe not stuff that many people would like, but stuff that entertains me. But I can never focus on any one thing for very long before a different project sucks me in, and I guess that's why most of my writing is in the format of short stories and most of my art is single-shot stuff. I also hate drawing the same character twice, let alone write about them in multiplicity: for fuck's sake, what if I fuck it up? I ALREADY GOT IT RIGHT SO I SHOULD QUIT WHILE I AM AHEAD.
It feels like I'm in control of what I'm doing. As though I am the captain of my skull-shaped ship. And yet, it is only by observing my wake do i realize how little I have really accomplished.