(no subject)
Today is a better day. I have my eating disorder group therapy later on and that usually makes me feel better. Stronger. Not so alone. I tend to forget what I was like when I was really sick. Terrified of my own shadow. Filled with way more self hatred than I am now. Unable to stick up for myself. It's easy to romanticize things and not look at the hard cold facts of what my life was like when I was so immersed in my eating disorder. Nothing mattered as much. Not my friends/chosen family. Not my job. Certainly not an intimate relationship. I was filled with so many secrets that no one could get too close. I am braver now. I feel more days than not that I am worthy of all of the love that is showered on me daily. I am a lucky girl. I am blessed. I mean when I was thin, I wasn't married to an amazing man, I had a job that truly sucked, and I barely had any friends at all. So if I really look at the BIG (no pun intended!) picture, my life was no where near as great as it is today. Funny how when I am having a day in which I am struggling, I cannot see all of this. I know that I will have more bad days, it's inevitable, but I will rise up once again because I am a fierce and stubborn when I need to be, especially when "the bulimic bitch" as I like to call her, the voice that tells me that I am worthless, stupid, and unlovable, gets too much air-time and I need to silence her. She's been shut up. I kicked her ass...