Too Much On My Mind
I have so much on my mind (when do I not?). I have not been sleeping well, which is most likely all thanks to the oodles of crap I have on the brain.
I try my best to tell myself that everything happens for a reason, and that everything works out for the best. That being said, this break-up with Joe, has me beating up on myself a lot. I always end up getting dumped... even by those who have done ME wrong. Why is that? Maybe I often see that the relationship isn't all that healthy, but I'm too chicken to break it off? Also, why is it that I end up with people who do me wrong? I've been cheated on twice. I've been emotionally abused. I've been dumped in so many weird ways. What is up with that? It makes me wonder if something is wrong with me. Why do I attract people like that? I was speaking with Jeanette the other day, and I said "there HAS to be something wrong with ME!" Then she turned the tables on me. If one of my friends said that to me, what would I say to them? That's different. My friends are all gorgeous and intelligent and funny, etc. I mean... I don't think that I am dumb, ugly, and lack wit by any means really. I've really started to like myself more than I have in ages. My ego still have plenty of room to grow, but it has gotten better. Where am I going with this? I have no idea. See? I'm terribly scattered! Should I just have agreed to move in with him? Was I being stupid?
My computer is dead, which means my photos and music are all gone, etc. You know how I am without music... essentially incomplete. Idealy, I would be able to get the new mac book (which is a "green" option) and I would take the one on one lessons, so they could teach me how to create my own website. I would love to do a website for my photography and possibly one for AT LARGE! Maybe just a kerimarcouillier dot com or something, where I could have my theatre stuff up, photography, and maybe a blog? I don't know. I wouldn't want it to be too much. I'm not sure I'm interesting enough for that anyway.
I really miss doing music related things. Basically, in an ideal world, I would meet a lovely young man who is kind to me, makes me laugh, and falls madly in love with me. He would play guitar and have a decent singing voice, and we could write songs together in our spare time, live in the woods, and travel for a few years until it was time to settle down and make beautiful babies? Hahaha. Oh well. A girl can dream. Yes, and I would take photos, and paint in my spare time (while the kids are sleeping?), and the walls of our cabin would be graced with my works of art. Sounds perfect.
Have I stopped living my life? These are things I think about. All of my friends are traveling, getting married, having children, have careers, etc. What have I done? Am I contributing? What can I contribute? Where has all of the time gone? I kind of want time to slow down. It's going by too quickly. I don't like that. 30 isn't that far away. That freaks me out! Ugh! So much to think about!
I also think I have a crush? Maybe? I don't know. I hate crushes. Haha. They make me feel like I'm 7 and they rarely lead to anything... except butterflies.
Sorry. None of this makes sense, and it is 5 years long.
I try my best to tell myself that everything happens for a reason, and that everything works out for the best. That being said, this break-up with Joe, has me beating up on myself a lot. I always end up getting dumped... even by those who have done ME wrong. Why is that? Maybe I often see that the relationship isn't all that healthy, but I'm too chicken to break it off? Also, why is it that I end up with people who do me wrong? I've been cheated on twice. I've been emotionally abused. I've been dumped in so many weird ways. What is up with that? It makes me wonder if something is wrong with me. Why do I attract people like that? I was speaking with Jeanette the other day, and I said "there HAS to be something wrong with ME!" Then she turned the tables on me. If one of my friends said that to me, what would I say to them? That's different. My friends are all gorgeous and intelligent and funny, etc. I mean... I don't think that I am dumb, ugly, and lack wit by any means really. I've really started to like myself more than I have in ages. My ego still have plenty of room to grow, but it has gotten better. Where am I going with this? I have no idea. See? I'm terribly scattered! Should I just have agreed to move in with him? Was I being stupid?
My computer is dead, which means my photos and music are all gone, etc. You know how I am without music... essentially incomplete. Idealy, I would be able to get the new mac book (which is a "green" option) and I would take the one on one lessons, so they could teach me how to create my own website. I would love to do a website for my photography and possibly one for AT LARGE! Maybe just a kerimarcouillier dot com or something, where I could have my theatre stuff up, photography, and maybe a blog? I don't know. I wouldn't want it to be too much. I'm not sure I'm interesting enough for that anyway.
I really miss doing music related things. Basically, in an ideal world, I would meet a lovely young man who is kind to me, makes me laugh, and falls madly in love with me. He would play guitar and have a decent singing voice, and we could write songs together in our spare time, live in the woods, and travel for a few years until it was time to settle down and make beautiful babies? Hahaha. Oh well. A girl can dream. Yes, and I would take photos, and paint in my spare time (while the kids are sleeping?), and the walls of our cabin would be graced with my works of art. Sounds perfect.
Have I stopped living my life? These are things I think about. All of my friends are traveling, getting married, having children, have careers, etc. What have I done? Am I contributing? What can I contribute? Where has all of the time gone? I kind of want time to slow down. It's going by too quickly. I don't like that. 30 isn't that far away. That freaks me out! Ugh! So much to think about!
I also think I have a crush? Maybe? I don't know. I hate crushes. Haha. They make me feel like I'm 7 and they rarely lead to anything... except butterflies.
Sorry. None of this makes sense, and it is 5 years long.