Mo0 :/
I've been reading my old journal entries.
Conclusions:
-I'm not sure if I like what I've become right now.
-I matured much between 2003-2004, based on the vernacular in the entries.
-I don't think I really knew Ryan at the time. It was all just talk and image.
-I was smarter and more connected with myself in High School than I am now. There was much more to stimulate my mind. I wish I didn't take it all for granted.
-I think my life is falling into a state of stagnancy and degeneration.
-I really need to make a life change. Again.
-I was so idealistic in High School...
-I'm not sure I like what I've gotten myself into.
I don't like where I live. I don't feel safe walking outside alone, really. And I can't go out and just you know, walk for exercise or anything. It's so dusty and dirty. Plus, we're so far from where we go to school and work. This area is malignant to our health. I want out.
I have a feeling Ryan is getting tired of me and vice versa. Sometimes it feels like he really doesn't care about me, but then he tells me of dreams he's had where he's freaked out and scared of losing me. I sense much insecurity here, and not all of it connected to me. I suggested (without telling him these reasons, I said it was too hot down here in the summer) that I go up to WA for the summer without him, get a job, help my mom, lalala. But I got this job at the Library, so I don't know if that'd work out.
Ryan seems really excited about this Defcon trip he's trying to plan for the end of July. I don't really think it's going to work out, though. He can never seem to save his money, and if he stays at Long's he never will.
Sometimes I think I'm too tied/interwoven with Ryan and he's holding me back in some way. Like I need to stop worrying about stuff that only concerns him but he can't take the responsibility to do and let him learn his lesson if he doesn't do it.
I really really wish I could still act like a kid. I mean, we still do. . .but it's different. Way different. And I thought I was almost an adult Senior year. I think what's really making me feel like my mom is Ryan. I do too much babysitting with him, always reminding him of things or whatever cuz he's a lazyass. That's why I wanted to suggest the summer trip for me to go to WA.
Argh, I'm not sure about anything. I'm really emotionally confused right now, and I need to go to bed. I need to understand, I'm trying but not putting enough effort forth.
Night. :/
The brightness has worn off;
The shine of silver has given way to
a cloudy luster
of what was once there.
Conclusions:
-I'm not sure if I like what I've become right now.
-I matured much between 2003-2004, based on the vernacular in the entries.
-I don't think I really knew Ryan at the time. It was all just talk and image.
-I was smarter and more connected with myself in High School than I am now. There was much more to stimulate my mind. I wish I didn't take it all for granted.
-I think my life is falling into a state of stagnancy and degeneration.
-I really need to make a life change. Again.
-I was so idealistic in High School...
-I'm not sure I like what I've gotten myself into.
I don't like where I live. I don't feel safe walking outside alone, really. And I can't go out and just you know, walk for exercise or anything. It's so dusty and dirty. Plus, we're so far from where we go to school and work. This area is malignant to our health. I want out.
I have a feeling Ryan is getting tired of me and vice versa. Sometimes it feels like he really doesn't care about me, but then he tells me of dreams he's had where he's freaked out and scared of losing me. I sense much insecurity here, and not all of it connected to me. I suggested (without telling him these reasons, I said it was too hot down here in the summer) that I go up to WA for the summer without him, get a job, help my mom, lalala. But I got this job at the Library, so I don't know if that'd work out.
Ryan seems really excited about this Defcon trip he's trying to plan for the end of July. I don't really think it's going to work out, though. He can never seem to save his money, and if he stays at Long's he never will.
Sometimes I think I'm too tied/interwoven with Ryan and he's holding me back in some way. Like I need to stop worrying about stuff that only concerns him but he can't take the responsibility to do and let him learn his lesson if he doesn't do it.
I really really wish I could still act like a kid. I mean, we still do. . .but it's different. Way different. And I thought I was almost an adult Senior year. I think what's really making me feel like my mom is Ryan. I do too much babysitting with him, always reminding him of things or whatever cuz he's a lazyass. That's why I wanted to suggest the summer trip for me to go to WA.
Argh, I'm not sure about anything. I'm really emotionally confused right now, and I need to go to bed. I need to understand, I'm trying but not putting enough effort forth.
Night. :/
The brightness has worn off;
The shine of silver has given way to
a cloudy luster
of what was once there.