Graduation night madness.
**Preface. As some of these situations and events may be criminal the names have been changed to protect the identities of the stupid. And if you were involved in any of these situations I don’t mean to insult I’m just calling it as I see it.**
College has given me three interesting roommates all intent on killing each other. The first: Chewie is a giant of a man; he is 6’9 (three inches taller than me) semi-lanky and hairy. Mornings after heavily drinking (which is most nights) His acid reflux acts up the likes of which I have never seen. As far as we’ve been able to tell from outside the bathroom he throws up semi-trucks.
Second, is Barbeque (BBQ for short), An Ex New York firefighter from New Jersey. He stands tall at 6’8’’ BBQ is always weary of anything fun we ever do involving fire. Prude. He is one of the biggest movie fans I know and I respect him greatly for that. It is also a cause of great argument for him as he feels the irresponsible urge to see every movie ever. He has magnolia sitting right next to the naked mile on his DVD shelf. I just shake my head in shame.
And lastly, Nine foot turkey (NFT for short); the shortest of our clan at 5’11’’ he more than makes up for it with his mouth. NFT is in all respects, a story topper, It makes for a good conversation, however, for those that don’t have the patience for such things he wears people raw quick and thus people tend to get annoyed with him quickly, his other flaw is that he is inconsiderate of how his actions domino to effect other people. Most times though, at least in my experience, when questioned about it he will apologize without pause.
So, Chewie, Nine foot turkey, loud and I graduated yesterday. Typical stuff, did the whole walking ceremony, didn’t trip onstage, all and all it wasn’t as bad as I had feared.
After the ceremony my family, Chewie’s family and Nine Foot Turkey’s family (my roommates) all came back to our pad for the post-graduation meal which consisted of BBQ from Sonny’s and various types of alcohol. Our families seemed to mix rather nicely, I got to see my grandmother get tipsy and call her ex-husband’s (my grandfather’s) new wife a gypsy. Hilarity was abound. About 5 pm all of our respective families left with the exception of Chewie’s dad and one of his twin brothers. Then the serious drinking began.
I, as many of you know, am not a huge drinker, I prefer my other vices, but I indulged myself with a margarita, and holed away in my room for a little while for some smoke. It seemed like it was going to be a relatively tame night. As is the norm ever since we got this accursed home various people from school use our pad as a kind of hub (or terminal, if you will) in which they stop by, pre-game a bit, wait for someone else to show, and once all their party has arrived they pile back into their car and drive off again. It may sound annoying, but it’s all rather convenient; I don’t have all the patience in the world for people and this half hour tour of our house is usually the amount of time I want to hang out with most of these people so, it works out nicely.
After a good night of hanging out and revelry most of the party members leave in pursuit of stronger spirits leaving Loud, BBQ and myself alone on the back patio. Around 1:30 we were all slowing down from the rigours of the day. And personally I was planning to go to sleep very soon.
Then out of nowhere, this guy “Toddler Man” walks in. Here is some quick back story on toddler man, as told through bullet point.
• He is probably one of the stupidest people I have ever had to deal with.
• He is somewhere between thirty and thirty five years old.
• He hangs out with equal if not more stupid people than himself.
• On second thought, no he is the dumbest one of his crew.
• He acts like a two year old and looks like a tall, (5’6’’) hairy, bearded munchkin from OZ.
• When he gets pissed his face gets extremely red and with his receding hairline we’re never quite sure if possible, this time his head will actually * pop.
So, as Loud BBQ and I are sitting and reminiscing about school I see Toddler Man walking in our living room.
I say “Holy shit Toddler man is in our living room” At this Loud and BBQ snap to look at the window to confirm this oh-so unfunny joke.
It was no joke. Did I mention no one really likes to hang out with toddler man?
Toddler man was obviously drunk but a little too hyper to be just drunk but I let it go as he could have just been drinking a lot of red bull. I pondered for a moment about how he got to our house, he was definitely in no condition to drive and suddenly I had a vision of our mail box mowed down and my car rear-ended as this functioning retard tried to negotiate his car onto our lawn. So I inquired quite deftly.
“So, Toddler Man, how the fuck did you get here?”
“Other guy drove me. So d’you guys like to party? Are you cool?”
Us: “Um sure.”
“Congratulations on graduating guys. Are you excited?”
Us: “Yeah, It’s not bad”
At this other guy, fats McGee, and crazy bitch (apparently fats McGee’s girlfriend who looks to have been terminally beaten half retarded by the ugly stick) all stumble onto the patio as well.
And that’s fine for about ten minutes. Everyone seems to be bullshitting. BBQ, Loud and I are all trying to make the best of being forced to hang out with these… denizens of our graduating class. After some quick small talk I found out how they found us. (We had taken greatest pains to ensure none of these people EVER got into our house in the first place)
Toddler man starts half yelling “Where’s that bish Chewie?” At this point he was slurring and apparently couldn’t pronounce the -tch- sound properly. “He was on the phone giving us directions. Where is he?”
Loud, BBQ and I look at each other thinking the same thing: “Fuck Chewie.”
Loud says: “He’s not here He went to the bar.”
Toddler man: “No where’s Chewie He was on the phone.”
Very slowly so as not to be misunderstood I say: “No man, he’s NOT here. He hasn’t been home for a while.”
Toddler man looked disappointed, like when you tell a kid that the tooth fairy is too poor to take his tooth this time. But was quickly distracted as that lame ass song Citizen Soldier by three doors down (god damn I hate that fucking song) came on the stereo and he began to dance much like when a two year old runs onto the dance floor and half throws his arms up and starts doing those little rabbit hops. That’s what it was like. With toddler man quelled for the time being I turned my attention to other guy and fats McGee and other guy to attempt some small talk. Simultaneously BBQ begins talking to that crazy bitch and is saying “My name is Nine foot turkey and I am gay!” This is making that drunk, ugly, crazy bitch excited and she is say thing like “Be proud” and other such gay pride slogans for yelling. Little does she realize that BBQ is lying and she is looking like a fool. But what else can drunk, ugly people expect?
Loud and I look at each other incredulously not really knowing what is going to happen next. Then Chewie came home and after the rounds of congratulations he sat down across from me. Everything was going as usual until the ugly bitch started to become wise to BBQ’s game. She had begun to doubt that BBQ was who he was claiming to be. (If you forgot he was saying he was Nine foot turkey and also saying that he was gay. And if you can’t put it together he was wanting nine foot turkey to come home and her in her inebriated state to think he was gay.) So she asked her boy friend, Fats McGee, if he was who he said he was. We both saw the funniness of the joke and he said yes and I butted in and agreed with him for validation. So for a little while she believed again but was skeptical. So as the conversations picked back up and out of nowhere Chewie blurts out to no one: “I’m gonna die alone.” Loud and I stop listening to everyone else and focus on him, but he doesn’t say anything more. Loud and I look at each other and shrug, the ramblings of a drunkard, did I mention that he had been at a bar for the last three hours?
To be continued...and It will only get better!
And now Ive almost drank a liter of bong vodka and I REFUSE to write anymore until tomorrow
-J
College has given me three interesting roommates all intent on killing each other. The first: Chewie is a giant of a man; he is 6’9 (three inches taller than me) semi-lanky and hairy. Mornings after heavily drinking (which is most nights) His acid reflux acts up the likes of which I have never seen. As far as we’ve been able to tell from outside the bathroom he throws up semi-trucks.
Second, is Barbeque (BBQ for short), An Ex New York firefighter from New Jersey. He stands tall at 6’8’’ BBQ is always weary of anything fun we ever do involving fire. Prude. He is one of the biggest movie fans I know and I respect him greatly for that. It is also a cause of great argument for him as he feels the irresponsible urge to see every movie ever. He has magnolia sitting right next to the naked mile on his DVD shelf. I just shake my head in shame.
And lastly, Nine foot turkey (NFT for short); the shortest of our clan at 5’11’’ he more than makes up for it with his mouth. NFT is in all respects, a story topper, It makes for a good conversation, however, for those that don’t have the patience for such things he wears people raw quick and thus people tend to get annoyed with him quickly, his other flaw is that he is inconsiderate of how his actions domino to effect other people. Most times though, at least in my experience, when questioned about it he will apologize without pause.
So, Chewie, Nine foot turkey, loud and I graduated yesterday. Typical stuff, did the whole walking ceremony, didn’t trip onstage, all and all it wasn’t as bad as I had feared.
After the ceremony my family, Chewie’s family and Nine Foot Turkey’s family (my roommates) all came back to our pad for the post-graduation meal which consisted of BBQ from Sonny’s and various types of alcohol. Our families seemed to mix rather nicely, I got to see my grandmother get tipsy and call her ex-husband’s (my grandfather’s) new wife a gypsy. Hilarity was abound. About 5 pm all of our respective families left with the exception of Chewie’s dad and one of his twin brothers. Then the serious drinking began.
I, as many of you know, am not a huge drinker, I prefer my other vices, but I indulged myself with a margarita, and holed away in my room for a little while for some smoke. It seemed like it was going to be a relatively tame night. As is the norm ever since we got this accursed home various people from school use our pad as a kind of hub (or terminal, if you will) in which they stop by, pre-game a bit, wait for someone else to show, and once all their party has arrived they pile back into their car and drive off again. It may sound annoying, but it’s all rather convenient; I don’t have all the patience in the world for people and this half hour tour of our house is usually the amount of time I want to hang out with most of these people so, it works out nicely.
After a good night of hanging out and revelry most of the party members leave in pursuit of stronger spirits leaving Loud, BBQ and myself alone on the back patio. Around 1:30 we were all slowing down from the rigours of the day. And personally I was planning to go to sleep very soon.
Then out of nowhere, this guy “Toddler Man” walks in. Here is some quick back story on toddler man, as told through bullet point.
• He is probably one of the stupidest people I have ever had to deal with.
• He is somewhere between thirty and thirty five years old.
• He hangs out with equal if not more stupid people than himself.
• On second thought, no he is the dumbest one of his crew.
• He acts like a two year old and looks like a tall, (5’6’’) hairy, bearded munchkin from OZ.
• When he gets pissed his face gets extremely red and with his receding hairline we’re never quite sure if possible, this time his head will actually * pop.
So, as Loud BBQ and I are sitting and reminiscing about school I see Toddler Man walking in our living room.
I say “Holy shit Toddler man is in our living room” At this Loud and BBQ snap to look at the window to confirm this oh-so unfunny joke.
It was no joke. Did I mention no one really likes to hang out with toddler man?
Toddler man was obviously drunk but a little too hyper to be just drunk but I let it go as he could have just been drinking a lot of red bull. I pondered for a moment about how he got to our house, he was definitely in no condition to drive and suddenly I had a vision of our mail box mowed down and my car rear-ended as this functioning retard tried to negotiate his car onto our lawn. So I inquired quite deftly.
“So, Toddler Man, how the fuck did you get here?”
“Other guy drove me. So d’you guys like to party? Are you cool?”
Us: “Um sure.”
“Congratulations on graduating guys. Are you excited?”
Us: “Yeah, It’s not bad”
At this other guy, fats McGee, and crazy bitch (apparently fats McGee’s girlfriend who looks to have been terminally beaten half retarded by the ugly stick) all stumble onto the patio as well.
And that’s fine for about ten minutes. Everyone seems to be bullshitting. BBQ, Loud and I are all trying to make the best of being forced to hang out with these… denizens of our graduating class. After some quick small talk I found out how they found us. (We had taken greatest pains to ensure none of these people EVER got into our house in the first place)
Toddler man starts half yelling “Where’s that bish Chewie?” At this point he was slurring and apparently couldn’t pronounce the -tch- sound properly. “He was on the phone giving us directions. Where is he?”
Loud, BBQ and I look at each other thinking the same thing: “Fuck Chewie.”
Loud says: “He’s not here He went to the bar.”
Toddler man: “No where’s Chewie He was on the phone.”
Very slowly so as not to be misunderstood I say: “No man, he’s NOT here. He hasn’t been home for a while.”
Toddler man looked disappointed, like when you tell a kid that the tooth fairy is too poor to take his tooth this time. But was quickly distracted as that lame ass song Citizen Soldier by three doors down (god damn I hate that fucking song) came on the stereo and he began to dance much like when a two year old runs onto the dance floor and half throws his arms up and starts doing those little rabbit hops. That’s what it was like. With toddler man quelled for the time being I turned my attention to other guy and fats McGee and other guy to attempt some small talk. Simultaneously BBQ begins talking to that crazy bitch and is saying “My name is Nine foot turkey and I am gay!” This is making that drunk, ugly, crazy bitch excited and she is say thing like “Be proud” and other such gay pride slogans for yelling. Little does she realize that BBQ is lying and she is looking like a fool. But what else can drunk, ugly people expect?
Loud and I look at each other incredulously not really knowing what is going to happen next. Then Chewie came home and after the rounds of congratulations he sat down across from me. Everything was going as usual until the ugly bitch started to become wise to BBQ’s game. She had begun to doubt that BBQ was who he was claiming to be. (If you forgot he was saying he was Nine foot turkey and also saying that he was gay. And if you can’t put it together he was wanting nine foot turkey to come home and her in her inebriated state to think he was gay.) So she asked her boy friend, Fats McGee, if he was who he said he was. We both saw the funniness of the joke and he said yes and I butted in and agreed with him for validation. So for a little while she believed again but was skeptical. So as the conversations picked back up and out of nowhere Chewie blurts out to no one: “I’m gonna die alone.” Loud and I stop listening to everyone else and focus on him, but he doesn’t say anything more. Loud and I look at each other and shrug, the ramblings of a drunkard, did I mention that he had been at a bar for the last three hours?
To be continued...and It will only get better!
And now Ive almost drank a liter of bong vodka and I REFUSE to write anymore until tomorrow
-J