Hallucinations
As much as I make believe, you’re not really here with me.
Ian flopped down on his bed, a heavy sigh escaping his lips. This crush was getting out of hand. He could barely look at Anthony without wanting to slam him against the nearest wall or door (Or any surface at all, really) to press their lips together. Ian sighed frustratedly, closing his eyes to calm himself, only to find the image of Anthony still stuck in his mind. He couldn’t get that damn man out of his head - His beautiful brown eyes, his amazing smile, the way his hair hangs in his eyes in that carelessly sexy way, the way his clothes hug his slender frame as if they were crafted specifically for him to wear, the way his lips just look so soft and kissable…Ian shook his head furiously and opened his eyes, trying to clear all thoughts of Anthony out of his head. He turned to his side, hoping a change of position would help, but the minute his eyes landed on a certain something (more accurately, someone) standing right beside his bed, he froze.
The very man that was stuck in his every waking and sleeping moment with a force seemingly stronger than super glue was standing right in front of him.
“Anthony?” Ian whispered, his features contorting into a look of confusion. Anthony just smiled and grabbed Ian’s hand, pulling him out of the bed.
Ian was still confused, but he allowed himself to be pulled out of bed. Anthony put his hands on Ian’s waist, and he could feel the breath being sucked right out of his lungs. Anthony’s hands felt so nice and amazing on his waist, until Ian suddenly realized it barely felt like they were there at all. In fact, he had to glance down at the connection to make sure it was actually happening, because he honestly felt like he’d imagined the hands snaking down to his waist. To his great relief, they were there, resting right were his jeans ended and his shirt began.
Suddenly, there was music. Slow, beautiful music. His confusion only deepened. There was no sound system in his room. A quick glance around the room confirmed that the music had no place of origin. There were no speakers in his room, and his computer was turned off. He turned back to Anthony, giving him another confused look. He just smiled again, grabbing Ian’s arms and placing them around his neck before placing his hands back on Ian’s hips.
Ian decided he’d just go with what was happening, because he liked it quite a lot. He stepped closer to Anthony, his forehead automatically going to rest on the space where Anthony’s neck and shoulder met. He sighed contently and closed his eyes, not aware of the fact that it seemed like Anthony wasn’t even breathing. He focused on the fact that the thing he’d dreamed about the most was happening to him and he couldn’t think of anything at all in the world that was better than this feeling. There aren’t any words to describe how he was feeling. Feeling like he was floating would be a massive understatement. It felt like every dream he’d ever had about Anthony that wasn’t a nightmare was coming true all at once. He felt an overwhelming sense of euphoria, the happiest he’d ever felt in his entire life. Despite the large flurry of positive emotions he seemed to possess, he was calm and composed just because he was in Anthony’s arms and they were pressed close together and this is all he could ever ask for.
Much to Ian’s disappointment, the music started to fade, the song ending. He held back a sigh of discontent and started to pull away, only to be held in place by Anthony after barely pulling away at all. He looked up in confusion, only to be met, of course, with that cute smile that didn’t seem to fade away at all. He smiled back, staring into those endless brown eyes. He suddenly realized Anthony’s face was leaning closer to his and he felt his heart skip three beats before speeding up to three times its normal beats per minute. He swallowed nervously and started leaning forward as well. As their faces drew closer, he could feel the taller male’s breath fanning over his lips. A slight shiver ran down his spine, their lips nearly connected. Just a little closer. He thought. You’re almos-
There was a sudden, loud banging coming from his door, followed by a familiar voice calling his name. Anthony? But how could he be calling his name through the door, he was right-
When Ian turned back to who he thought still had his arms around him, he found that he had disappeared.
The sudden realization of what was happening hit Ian full force in the chest, as if someone with perfect aim had thrown a dagger right into the middle of his heart.
It was all just a daydream. A hallucination. His imagination had conjured up the image of his deepest affection and tricked him with it. He want to scream and cry and throw things. He wanted to curl up into a ball and sob until he died from the lack of water in his body. He felt as if his own mind had turned itself into a human, ripped his heart straight from his chest and stomped on it, stabbed it, spit on it, and any other painful thing he could ever imagine. He felt betrayed from his entire being.
And yet, at the same time, he felt numb. And indifferent. In the back of his mind, there sat a person, tied to a chair with duct tape over his mouth. That was his reason, his anxiety, his truth. The very thing that tried to warn him, tell him his mind was playing the cruelest trick it possibly could on him. The thing that told him he would get hurt, to just close his eyes before he was betrayed. And he’d beat the poor thing up and told it to shut the fuck up.
There was another, louder bang from the door and a worried “Ian?” floated into the room. He sighed and did the thing he’d seemed to get better and better at through the years. He put on that mask that hid every single affectionate emotion he’d ever harbored for Anthony, along with the depressed emotions that came with it, the ones that told him it would never happen. This mask only allowed the happy emotions to show through. The sometimes fake ones.
He opened the door, met with a relieved face from Anthony. “Thank god, I thought you’d died in there or something”
If by in there you mean inside of me, than yeah, I died die more than a little on the inside. “Nah man, I just didn’t hear you at first. Was kind of dozing off. You need something?”
“I was wondering if you wanted to go grab some pizza or something.”
Ian smiled “Of course, man! I love pizza”
Anthony grinned that stupid ass grin that Ian hated but loved at the same time. The one that lit up his whole face without even trying, as if there was little lights in his face that turned on as soon as the corners of his perfect damn mouth met his ears. “Awesome! Let’s go!”
As much as Ian tried to repress these damn feelings, he knew that no matter how hard he tried, as soon as he saw that stupid ass grin on that perfect ass face on that stupid head attached to that perfect ass body, all the affection he held for that one perfect man came flowing back in an almost drowning tsunami-like force.
He was barely keeping his head up in this red sea of affection, and he hated it.
But there was nothing that man could do that would make this damn affection go away.