Oh dear.
My heart overflows. I don't know how to express this feeling. I have never felt so wanted by people who don't have to love me. People that don't care about my faults and insecurities, my sins and my shortcomings. They are so unbridled in their love. I simply do not know what do say.
Right now, I am wearing a beautiful tan leather coat. I obviously don't have money to buy it. Last night at church, one of the men in the church was watching me sweep the floor and asked if I had a winter coat. I replied that yes, I did have one, the one I was wearing. He laughed and said that it was no where near being a winter coat and that I would freeze before the winter was over. He went immediately to his wife and told her that they needed to find a coat for me, and today, Chrissy came up to me and handed me this lovely coat.
I don't know how to accept it. I said that I would use it for now. But, I'm going to return it.
It's not a brand-new coat or anything. It's not like they went shopping and randomly picked up a coat for me. It's just an old coat that they don't have enough bodies to wear it, I guess. But my goodness, I have never felt so unworthy in my life. I think that's a lot of where my problems with Gary are coming from right now, I feel unworthy of anything. I have nothing to offer, why should I receive anything? I sat through three services today feeling worthless, needy, and ignorant. I know so little. I can do so little. How could God ever use me? How could there be any part of me worthy of His work?
I know that Jon Pafford struggled with this for a long time, so I think I'm going to give him a call. I was going to just wait till Christmas, but I don't know if my heart can stand to feel like this for 3 weeks. I don't know. I don't know. I just feel so unworthy of charity, of love. I'm a sinner, the chief of sinners. I can't even be grateful of the Lords provision. I doubt His providence, because I don't understand why He would want to provide for me. All I ever do for Him is spit on Him and mock Him and run away when He reaches for me.
My mind is so small.
Right now, I am wearing a beautiful tan leather coat. I obviously don't have money to buy it. Last night at church, one of the men in the church was watching me sweep the floor and asked if I had a winter coat. I replied that yes, I did have one, the one I was wearing. He laughed and said that it was no where near being a winter coat and that I would freeze before the winter was over. He went immediately to his wife and told her that they needed to find a coat for me, and today, Chrissy came up to me and handed me this lovely coat.
I don't know how to accept it. I said that I would use it for now. But, I'm going to return it.
It's not a brand-new coat or anything. It's not like they went shopping and randomly picked up a coat for me. It's just an old coat that they don't have enough bodies to wear it, I guess. But my goodness, I have never felt so unworthy in my life. I think that's a lot of where my problems with Gary are coming from right now, I feel unworthy of anything. I have nothing to offer, why should I receive anything? I sat through three services today feeling worthless, needy, and ignorant. I know so little. I can do so little. How could God ever use me? How could there be any part of me worthy of His work?
I know that Jon Pafford struggled with this for a long time, so I think I'm going to give him a call. I was going to just wait till Christmas, but I don't know if my heart can stand to feel like this for 3 weeks. I don't know. I don't know. I just feel so unworthy of charity, of love. I'm a sinner, the chief of sinners. I can't even be grateful of the Lords provision. I doubt His providence, because I don't understand why He would want to provide for me. All I ever do for Him is spit on Him and mock Him and run away when He reaches for me.
My mind is so small.